


Fit For Dogs

by KittyGetsLoose



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Graphic Language, Humour, Inucest, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-01-14
Updated: 2011-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:52:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 42,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyGetsLoose/pseuds/KittyGetsLoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inu brothers have tick trouble - and other doggy problems! Rated M for rude language and incest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fit For Dogs

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, and make no money or profit from writing this fanfic; Rumiko Takahashi has all the rights to the original manga and anime and the characters in them.

He was one of their best customers. Always coming in and buying a load of dog food and doggy shampoo, packing the smaller items into his own environmentally-friendly, recyclable carrier bag, and arranging to have the heavier stuff delivered.

He paid cash without exception, and nearly always bought the same things – large packs of Solid Gold holistic kibble, Addiction Venison & Apples tinned food, and Muttz-rrr-ella cheese treats, along with several bottles of "Sparkling Bright" shampoo for long-coated white dogs. Sometimes he threw in a chew toy or two.

The pet store staff had never really spoken much to him before, as he had such a forbiddingly beautiful face – he had to be some sort of model or actor. But someone who loved his pooches enough to keep spending that much on them couldn't be too bad, could he? So one day, one of the staff manning the till worked up the courage to ask: "What kind of dogs do you have, sir?"

The man's striking amber eyes pierced the girl behind the counter, and for a moment she couldn't tell if he was angry or just thinking. Half a beat before she was ready to sink down under the counter to hide from his gaze, he answered: "Spitzes."

"Oh!" she gushed in relief that he had replied at all. "I love Spitzes! So beautiful and fluffy and white!"

"Hmm."

He took his purchases and left without another word.

***

Back in his apartment, he unloaded nearly everything onto the counter and pondered the girl's question.

Spitzes indeed. But he really didn't know. An inuyoukai was an inuyoukai. He had no idea what "breed" they were meant to be. Though that shampoo formulated especially for fluffy white dogs seemed to work flawlessly on his hair and Inuyasha's – much, much better than their last, disastrous, frightfully frizzy experiment with human shampoo – so maybe the answer he had given the girl had had something in it after all.

A Spitz he would have to be then, he thought, as he opened one Muttz-rrr-ella pack and nibbled on a bite-sized treat. His favourite. How had he survived on raw deer and cattle flesh all these millennia without a thought for dessert? If he had known then that humans would create such delicious doggy food in these times, he would have starved himself in anticipation of this era. No need even to hunt.

Inuyasha would be pleased when he came home to see the new packs of Solid Gold kibble. It was supposed to be his breakfast cereal, but he popped it into his mouth any time of the day or night, whenever he felt like a quick snack – not that it tasted _that_ fantastic, but apparently it helped keep his ridiculously high energy levels up. He'd better be happy with the Venison  & Apples wet food for lunch too, because he wasn't getting anything else after stuffing his face with all that super-pricey wagyu steak at the restaurant they went to yesterday. Good thing his big brother was a very rich Spitz, or he'd have eaten them out of house and home.

***

When the delivery guy sent by the pet store finally got past all the layers of security and rang the bell, the door of the fancy penthouse apartment was immediately opened by a tall, lean, silver-haired young man with otherworldly looks, who received the large packs of kibble and bottles of shampoo and signed something illegible on the delivery form.

Another young man, a shade shorter, but with the same silvery hair under a baseball cap, came forward and hauled the packs into the kitchen with an astonishing ease that belied his slim frame. Brothers, he supposed they must be. But where was the dog? No barking issued from inside the apartment, and no scratching sounds came from behind closed bedroom doors, unlike every other place he delivered doggy food to. Most odd. However, this was a very large penthouse, so maybe the pampered pooches were somewhere he couldn't hear them.

He thought he heard the other man in the background muttering "Where's my chew toy? You'd better not have got me the peppermint one – you know it makes me sick", as he rummaged through the bags, but surely he had misheard.

***

"Can I take off my cap yet?" Inuyasha asked, his head buried inside a large carrier bag, when Sesshomaru closed the door on the delivery man.

"No you can't, you look too cute in it."

"You're such an idiot."

"Takes one to live with one."

He moved over to another carrier, pulling off his cap as he went, and his fuzzy ears sprang up out of his hair. "Thank goodness I don't have to go anywhere else today – that stupid spell to hide my ears takes forever to work."

"Only because you're so hopeless with spells."

"So _you_ do it for me tomorrow when we have to go out," he said, biting down on the rubbery, bacon-flavoured chew toy which he had finally dug up from Sesshomaru's recyclable shopping bag, in which it had been hidden. These things were best for working his jaws on because chewing gum made him ill.

"What?" Sesshomaru demanded. "When I'll be busy with the spell to conceal my fur and markings? Hide your own ears!"

"Fine, just don't blame me if we arrive late for dinner at your mother's. What's she serving again?"

"Raw pickled dragon liver, I believe."

"Blech. Pass the kibble."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On FFnet, this story is split into "Fit For Dogs" and "Just Ticking Along". On AFF, it is entirely under the "Fit For Dogs" title, just as it is here.


	2. Just Ticking Along

"INUYASHA!!" Sesshomaru roared from the living room of their penthouse apartment.

"WHAT?!?" the half-demon yelled back from the kitchen, where he was sneaking strips of raw beef from the chiller drawer of their refrigerator.

"You've been playing with that damn dog from downstairs like I told you NOT to, haven't you?" the older of the two brothers demanded to know as he strode menacingly into the kitchen, holding something firmly yet gingerly between the pads of his index finger and his thumb.

Inuyasha froze in mid-gulp, staring intently at that hidden something gripped between Sesshomaru's long digits. "Wh- what's that?" he asked.

" _This_ was on my scalp. And I can assure you that it was not something _I_ picked up from outside."

Sesshomaru dropped a fat, rust-brown tick onto the marble kitchen counter and slapped a crystal drinking glass upside down over it, trapping it within the circumference of its rim.

"What makes you think it has anything to do with me and the dog downstairs?" Inuyasha asked nervously.

"Because that bloody German Shepherd Dog has ticks the size of grapes! And fleas! I've told you not to play with him because the damn things will only latch on to you, and you'll carry them home, and then they'll latch on to me! If we weren't youkai, we'd both be dead from tick fever by now!"

"But I'm the only one he can talk to and tell where the ticks are bothering him! His owner's half-blind – he can barely see the bloodsuckers!" Inuyasha protested.

"There _are_ modern medications that one can apply to one's pet monthly to kill these parasites on contact," Sesshomaru growled. "Doesn't his owner know about them?"

"Apparently not."

"Then let's arrange for the pet store to deliver some to him. I'm quite willing to pay for it if it only means that no more of these creatures will end up on my sofa! Now you'd better check to make sure there aren't any more of them in my hair."

"Okay, okay," Inuyasha muttered, hopping up onto the kitchen countertop so he could comb through Sesshomaru's silvery mane with his claws and inspect every inch of his scalp. He scrutinised his neck and the backs of his pointy ears too just to be sure. When he was certain that nothing undesirable was consuming the taiyoukai's precious blood, he said in a satisfied voice: "Done. You're clear."

"Your turn," Sesshomaru said sternly, making his little brother sit cross-legged on the counter while he raked through his thick hair to reveal portions of scalp a bit at a time, looked inside his fur-covered ear flaps and even beneath his claws.

"Anything?" Inuyasha queried as Sesshomaru's inspection tapered down to a general tidying of his crowning glory.

"No, but I'm not convinced there isn't something lurking elsewhere on you," he said, eyeing the rest of Inuyasha's body. "Maybe I should do a more thorough inspection in the bathroom."

Inuyasha stammered: "H-hey, if you want to join me in the shower on occasion that's fine, but I'm not being _'inspected'_ like a child with cooties!"

"As far as I'm concerned, with your careless and irresponsible ways, you might as well _be_ a child with cooties!"

With that, Sesshomaru threw a furious Inuyasha over his shoulder and carted him off cursing and swearing to the bathroom where a mighty struggle ensued as the taiyoukai attempted to remove the hanyou's T-shirt and sports trousers in order to check that his armpits and other hairy bits weren't infested with lice and the like. Which was a surprisingly difficult task despite the trouser waistband being fully elasticised and the T-shirt being baggy, because the half-demon fought like… well, like a demon.

If their fancy apartment hadn't been so huge and so isolated, not to mention well-soundproofed, their neighbours would undoubtedly have heard what sounded like the start of the Third World War on the top floor of the expensive block of private flats in this exclusive district:

"GET OUT OF MY TROUSERS, YOU PERVERT!!!"

"You're happy enough to have me in your trousers at ANY OTHER TIME, BRAT!! Now take them off!!"

"After FIVE HUNDRED fucking years you're still calling _me_ a brat when YOU'RE the one behaving like a snotty child with a stick up his high-bred ASS!! Get your hands OFF!" the last word being accompanied by the sound of the porcelain washbasin smashing into pieces.

"Obey me NOW or you'll be the one who'll have a big problem with his ass later tonight, you unruly pup! I'll rip that shirt off you if I have to!"

"Don't you dare – it's my favourite T-shirt!!"

"Inuyasha, it's a misshapen piece of ten-year-old TRASH – why the hell do you always have to walk around looking like I can't afford to buy you new clothes?!? In fact, don't you get big enough profits from our company to buy _yourself_ some new clothes? GET YOUR TEETH OUT OF MY HAND!"

The fifteen-foot-long bathroom mirror came to a sorry end at this point as two dog-demon bodies crashed into it. And if the neighbours had only been able to listen in clearly, they would next have heard the sound of a ripping T-shirt teamed with a stream of vulgarities from its owner, followed by louder and more colourful verbal explosions as Sesshomaru moved on to the trousers.

"Ow, ow, OW! That's your fucking CLAW you've got on my DICK, you sick BASTARD!! If you poison it and it dies you'll live to regret it – what the hell kind of sicko are you to grab my cock without my permission?!?"

"It's not like you expect me to ask your permission in the bedroom, you impossible tyke! STOP CLAWING AT MY HAND OR YOU'LL SLICE YOUR OWN BALLS OFF!!"

"Well they're MY balls to slice off, and I'm not giving you permission now to touch me!!! I'll have you charged with molest!!! Aaargh! AAARRRRGH!!! Let go of my butt! Hey – stop that, you overgrown BULLY – don't you DARE turn me upside-down – OWW!!!"

Here, the bathtub died a swift and horrible death, its demise immediately followed by the now-naked half-demon making his escape from the bathroom into the bedroom, Sesshomaru right on his heels. Some frantic scrabbling of hanyou hands and claws by the messier side of the bed resulted in Tetsusaiga's appearance, a quick unsheathing, and the bloodcurdling yell of "WIND SCA- mmmmffff… OW, OW!! If you've bloody broken my wrist you're not getting a handjob for a whole fucking YEAR!!"

Sesshomaru, sitting on Inuyasha's arm to subdue his attack, and ready to clamp a hand over his mouth again if he tried calling on any of the Tetsusaiga's destructive techniques, growled in his most threatening manner yet: "Inuyasha, if you destroy this whole apartment we'll have to move AGAIN – you DO remember that our beach house is still being rebuilt because SOMEBODY decided to 'Adamant Barrage' the whole damn place after getting pissed off over NOTHING?"

"You call fondling our gardener NOTHING?"

"For the hundredth and last time, I was not _fondling_ the man. I was trying to get him _off_ me without _killing_ him. And we fired him right afterwards so I don't know what the devil you're still going on about that for, especially since _you_ were the one who should have been fired from our company for destroying our home!"

"Well you always hated the layout of the place anyway! So you should be thanking me for tearing it down free of charge! And you can't fire me from the company as I'm your partner!"

Giving Inuyasha's wrist another firm squeeze and hard shake to force him to drop the Tetsusaiga, which he did at last, Sesshomaru got off his naked brother and lay down on the teak floor beside him, breathing a little faster than usual – which was as close to being out of breath as it was possible for him to be. It was only Inuyasha who was capable of challenging him to the point where he ever needed to exert this much effort, whether it was in the dojo, the boardroom or the bedroom.

"I don't know how we've both survived so long," the taiyoukai murmured, staring up at the ceiling.

"Neither do I," Inuyasha replied, panting from the fierce fight he'd put up all the way from the second he'd been hauled out of the kitchen.

"It's a good thing I own this whole building or we'd have some explaining to do to the management committee," said Sesshomaru.

"We'll have to use the bathroom in the guest bedroom for a while," Inuyasha mumbled.

"I'm charging the repairs to you."

"Hey, I'm not the one who wanted to molest me in the bathroom."

"And I'm not the one who brought the tick home."

"It was just _one_ tick."

"It was hardly the first."

"You're grumbling only because they seem to prefer the taste of _your_ blood."

"Let's not start another fight."

"Fine. So are you declaring me cootie-free?"

"Reluctantly, yes. I'll order the Frontline tomorrow. Squeeze it on between your four-legged friend's shoulder-blades. No more de-ticking by hand."

"Fine."

"I'm half-tempted to order some for myself, just to be safe. Heaven knows what else you'll bring home in future."

"In your full dog form, we'll need a fucking truckload of Frontline for it to have any effect. How about we just put some on mokomoko-sama?"

"Try putting any chemicals on my fur and I will have you in a flea collar so fast you won't have time to swear at me."

Inuyasha grinned. "Ooooh, you _like_ the idea of me in a collar, don't you, you closet pervert?"

"Don't tempt me, you little… _what the hell is that?!?_ "

"What the hell is _what?!_ "

" _That_. On the hilt of your Tetsusaiga where the fur is. Oh, kami, it's _another tick_. Do I have to disinfect everything you touch?!?"

"Uhh… heh… I, uhm, I'll go call the renovation and repair guys now. Talk to you later!" Inuyasha scooted out of the bedroom, grabbing a bedsheet on the way to cover himself with.

"INUYASHA!!!"


	3. Bow, Wow, Grr

"Stop that," Sesshomaru hissed at the Old English Sheepdog which, to his embarrassment, was bowing to him right in the heart of the busy city street.

Worse, the petite human the dog was attached to was attracting a lot of attention by huffing and puffing and doing her darnedest to pull her pooch away. However, the dog's butt seemed glued to the concrete, while its shaggy head hung down in Sesshomaru's direction.

"That's enough!" the taiyoukai hissed again in his inu tongue, under his breath.

It was useless. The dog remained in place, and the human was turning red in the face from her exertions as she leaned backwards at almost a forty-five-degree angle, the leash taut between her straining hands and the big dog's collar.

To Sessshomaru's relief, the light at the crossing changed at last, and he strode off quickly. Behind him, the dog got up suddenly to go on its way, a move that naturally left its owner sprawled on her backside.

"What is _wrong_ with you, Muffy?!?" the taiyoukai heard the woman rail at her pet in exasperation as she staggered back to her feet.

It didn't always happen – most dogs in cities were far too busy having their senses overwhelmed by a million scents and sounds, traffic fumes, countless passing feet and other metropolitan paraphernalia to notice every single thing. But once in while, he would encounter an alert one – and Muffy was obviously one of them.

Despite the magical and scientific technology that demons of the modern era had mastered to conceal their true appearance, scent and nature from one another and from humans, four-legged dogs seemed to have some primitive yet supremely powerful sixth sense that no concealment spells could confound.

Out on the roads, with all the stimuli bombarding them, he was relatively safe. But he had learnt long ago to avoid entering pet shops which had dogs for sale, or animal shelters. Those dogs had almost nothing to do, and were hyper-alert to every change in their surroundings.

Whenever he entered any room with a crowd of yapping pups on display, the place would immediately fall silent, and every creature of canine descent within poison-whipping distance would gaze up at him in awe. The looks on their absurdly appealing faces seemed to declare that they knew he was a Very Important Pooch, and that they would accord him the respect he deserved.

Five hundred years ago, it would have seemed only right. In these times, however, it was downright awkward. People would notice. People would talk. And what Sesshomaru had been trying to avoid, ever since villages turned into cities and humans learnt to fly in hideous metal machines, was unnecessary attention.

So he steered clear of such shops, and entered only those pet stores that strictly sold food and accessories, or had nothing smarter than bunnies on sale. Thus far, he had never encountered an attempt at a grovelling bow from a rabbit, hamster, guinea pig, canary, chinchilla or iguana, so he calculated that he was quite safe around these creatures. Cats were iffy, though. One could never tell if a kitty would run screaming from him, if it would hiss and spit, or make figures of eight round his ankles. He could only guess that cats were as smart as dogs in their own way, and that their reactions depended on the individual cat and its personal experiences with Very Important Pooches.

That was as far as his solo outings were concerned. But things got immensely more complicated when he walked down a street with Inuyasha. His half-demon brother loved all animal-creatures great and small, and they loved him back. No dogs bowed to him in awe, but they wanted to lick his face and plant their paws on his shoulders – and the large-breed, unneutered alpha males all wanted to sniff his butt.

Which made Sesshomaru ridiculously jealous, because Inuyasha's butt was his, damn it, and no great big slobbery mastiff had the right to come around slavering all over that perky little behind. He would show them what "great" and "big" really meant when he transformed into his other shape and crunched that office block right over there into crumbs under one paw – beat that, "large breeds" of the world!

With that thought, the taiyoukai entered the café and steakhouse in which he had arranged to have lunch with Inuyasha after his business meeting. His half-demon brother was at their usual table, slumped in his chair, reading the newspaper, with a half-empty cup of tea in front of him.

"At last!" Inuyasha growled, sitting up, closing his newspaper and folding it when Sesshomaru lowered himself elegantly into the empty seat across from him. "You're late."

"I'm sorry," Sesshomaru said. "The meeting took longer than expected."

"What? You didn't put your foot down with a mighty roar and demand that they end it immediately, on time, or you would lop off all their heads?" Inuyasha asked snarkily. "When did you turn into some corporate pussycat?"

They were both wearing their concealment spells, of course, and Sesshomaru's pointy ears, skin markings and massive length of fur were neither visible nor possible to touch, even if you put your hand right where the fur was supposed to be. However, the taiyoukai's hair remained silver, his eyes remained amber-gold, and the unimpressed glare he was able to shoot out at the world through them remained unaltered.

That glare was now aimed at Inuyasha. Fortunately for the half-demon, he had had five centuries to grow more or less immune to it, so he just stared back and stuck out his tongue.

"Watch that tongue of yours, Inuyasha, or I'll really make you put it to work tonight," Sesshomaru stated blandly.

Such warnings and threats still had some effect on the hanyou, so Inuyasha pulled his tongue back into his mouth at once as he turned to the café's menu and chewed on his lower lip to stop himself from grinning.

"The tenderloin steak, please – rare," Inuyasha gave his order to the waiter when he appeared by their table, seeing that the other member of the party had arrived.

"Same for me," Sesshomaru said. "And two glasses of iced still water, please. No lemon slices."

They returned the menus to the waiter and leaned back in their chairs, looking out through the wide glass front of the café at the world passing by. Just then, a very expensively dressed woman seated herself at one of the café's alfresco tables under the awning over the sidewalk, right on the other side of the glass from the dog-demon brothers.

Everything from her broad-brimmed hat and her too-matching rose-pink suit to her pink Christian Louboutin shoes and baby-blue Birkin handbag screamed "Fashion Victim Who's Too Rich For Her Own Good". She also toted a frill-edged, fluff-lined basket in which some little pet of hers was napping.

The brothers' steaks arrived just before the woman's cappuccino was served to her, and both parties minded their own business as they chewed and snootily sipped away, respectively.

Sesshomaru and Inuyasha were halfway through their steaks, and talking about what colour of tiles they wanted for their bathroom, which was undergoing repairs, when a tiny, growling sound reached their sharp demon ears.

The napping pet in the basket had woken up, and it had stuck its head past the frills and fluff to glare through the glass at the two brothers. It was curling back its upper lip, baring its tiny teeth, and appeared to be on the verge of hurling itself at the glass. It was such an unusual sight for Sesshomaru and Inuyasha to be faced by, considering how they nearly always met with universal respect or affection from all of dogdom.

"What _ever_ is wrong with you, poochie-woochie baby?" the lady cooed, lifting the little dog out of the basket and trying unsuccessfully to soothe it with her high-pitched voice.

The dog-demons were now able to see that the dog wore a glittery pink collar and a flouncy, shiny outfit of purple and gold. It was a Chinese Crested with a dark mop of hair, a thin tail and a little body almost naked of fur, quivering with rage under its fancy clothes.

Sesshomaru and Inuyasha stopped eating and stared back at the dog. There was something unpleasantly familiar about it – that dark mass of wild hair, that face wrinkled with fury, those evil eyes that were bleeding garnet-red, the hairs lashing like tentacles at the tip of its rigid tail… oh kami… it couldn't be… there was no way…

"Naraku?" the two brothers whispered together, in disbelief.

"Oh poochie darling sweetheart!!" the woman exclaimed in some distress. "What's the _matter_?? Are those two bad men scaring you?"

"Grrrrrrr… GRRRRR…" went the Chinese Crested in ever-greater rage, until its owner was forced to signal for the bill while glaring suspiciously at the silver-haired pair behind the glass.

"I don't _know_ what's got into Spider!" she protested helplessly to the waiter as she paid for her coffee with one hand while clamping the other round the muzzle of the dog, the bulk of whose body she had mostly stuffed back into the basket.

"Spider? A most unusual name for a dog, ma'am," the waiter remarked.

"Oh yes – when he was born, he had this marking on his back that looked so much like a spider – the nickname eventually stuck," she explained breathlessly, flustered from trying to keep her increasingly infuriated pet in its carrier. "I'd better go. I have no idea what's got into him – he's normally so calm! Bad Spider! No supper for you tonight!"

She secured the top of the basket so that the dog could only get half its head out at one end, and as she tripped away down the sidewalk, Sesshomaru and Inuyasha were left with a final glimpse of the creature from hell as it poked its muzzle out and shrieked out a crazed growl that was more like a scream, a much louder sound than something that size ought to have been able to muster.

They peered incredulously through the glass until the woman was out of view, then turned back to each other in a stunned silence that was finally broken when Inuyasha gasped: "Naraku was reincarnated as a _dog_?!"

"Granted, it's a very ugly dog," Sesshomaru said in something of a daze.

"A _dog_?! That's – that's –" Inuyasha spluttered.

"A complete and utter…" Sesshomaru began.

"Fucking insult…" Inuyasha added.

"To all dogs," Sesshomaru finished.

The ate the remainder of their steaks without conversing, until Inuyasha swallowed his last bite, took a swig of iced water, and said: "That dumb outfit's even right up his alley, ain't it?"

"Although it did look uncomfortable," Sesshomaru mused.

"And the collar looked too tight," Inuyasha stated.

"The basket is stupid."

"The lacy frills are impossible."

"The amount of grooming cologne we could smell even through the glass…"

"And that lady must be the mother of all fusspot dog owners."

"She'll smother him."

"He'll hate every minute of that shit."

"For the rest of his doggy life."

"Every day of it."

"Serves him right."

They paid up and left, Sesshomaru smirking and Inuyasha nearly choking on the mirth he tried to stifle as they made their way back to their apartment, stepping neatly around people to avoid dogs both worshipful and horny all the way home, where Inuyasha finally exploded in laughter once they had closed the front door on the world.

At the same time, somewhere on the other side of the city, a Chinese Crested howled in rage as it was doused in more smelly cologne, chided in a too-sharp, too-loud and too-high voice, told that it would be deprived of its supper, and dressed up in yet another ridiculous outfit.

The _worst_ outfit in the whole of its absurd wardrobe.

A garment it particularly _loathed_ because it was white and silky.

With red flowers on its edges.

 _Grrrr._


	4. In A Flap

"What on earth keeps happening to these locks?" the locksmith asked with a look of pure bafflement on his face, as he studied the hole in the door. "This is the third time you've called me in this month for the same problem. How can an entire reinforced steel lock just melt away into nothing?"

Behind the man – their regular locksmith and carpenter – Inuyasha scowled and glared across the living room at Sesshomaru. The taiyoukai was reading the newspapers on the sofa and pretending not to hear a single word.

"I can only imagine that _someone_ thinks it's a big joke to pump our front-door lock full of acid," the half-demon grumbled, pointedly directing his remark at his nonchalant brother.

"Well, I ain't never seen acid do anything as damaging as this," the locksmith pointed out, scratching his head. "It's as if the steel simply melted like ice in an oven and trickled its way down the door! I thought the security levels in this building were supposed to be among the highest in this area?"

"So can you fix it or not?" Inuyasha asked.

"We'll have to replace the whole door," the man replied. "Too much of the wood is gone."

"Replace the _whole door_ ," Inuyasha echoed, glaring meaningfully at Sesshomaru again, who appeared to be taking an unusually keen interest in the gossip pages.

"Yup. Pick out the design you want from this catalogue, and we'll deliver it tomorrow. We can't send anything over any earlier because our delivery trucks are booked up all day. I'll come by in the morning to install the door and the new lock. In the meantime, I'll put in a temporary latch so you can at least keep the door closed and reasonably secure. And I'll nail a strip of wood over the hole so no one can peer in – although seeing as you have the penthouse, it's not like anyone's just going to stroll past on the way to anywhere else, which is why I'm puzzled about who these vandals are!"

He got out his tools and materials and saw to the stopgap arrangements, then left, whistling to himself. These mysterious customers of his with the silver hair and amber eyes were certainly giving him lots of business.

Inuyasha shut the door, held it in place with the primitive latch that the locksmith had nailed to the remaining wood and frame, and folded his arms as he turned towards his brother. If he could have drilled a hole through his head with the piercing gaze he was shooting him, he would have. Sesshomaru, however, refused to look at him or even raise his eyes from the newspapers.

Only when Inuyasha marched up to the sofa and stood directly in front of his brother did the older dog demon look up from the same line he had been re-reading for the last half-hour and meet his fiery stare with a pair of cool, golden eyes.

"Yes, Inuyasha?" he asked smoothly.

"Bloody obstinate jackass," the hanyou growled, sounding for once like the more mature, responsible half of the pair. "Just because they've put up those new street-security cameras outside, and you can't fly in through our windows any more without being seen, you have to do this? Again and again? How many doors will we have to go through before you stop this nonsense?"

"I own this building," Sesshomaru declared arrogantly. "I don't see why I should have to _walk_ in and out of it like everyone else. And if I _am_ obliged to walk in and out of it, then at the very least I should not have to carry house keys around with me like some commoner. You were supposed to be in when I came home today. If you had been in, I wouldn't have had to melt the lock, as you would have opened the door for me."

"Oh, so it's _my_ fault now, is it, Your Royal Stubbornness?" Inuyasha flared up. "It's been a whole fucking geological age since we were in the feudal era, just in case you've been asleep all this time. You no longer have your ass-kissing, staff-carrying midget retainers scurrying about opening portals for you, so get used to the scary, jangling house keys, cos I'm not sitting at home all day waiting for 'master' to ring the doorbell. I swear, if you don't get your head out of your aristocratic butthole pronto, I'm moving to the guest-room – for the next five hundred years. And there will be _no_ visiting conjugal rights."

With that, he stomped off to the kitchen for a drink, leaving Sesshomaru looking after him with a seemingly unchanged expression on his face, save for the tiny gleam in his eyes that flashed the message: _I dare you_.

***

Two weeks after the new door had been installed and the door frame repaired, Sesshomaru came home from a headache-inducing business meeting to discover that the puppy was out somewhere again when he supposedly had no appointments for the day.

The taiyoukai was locked out once more. He knew that the simple step of taking his house keys with him whenever he left the apartment would solve the problem, and he also knew without a doubt that he was behaving in an uncharacteristically childish way. However, this issue had somehow or other mutated from a simple matter into a stand-off that his pride would not permit him to back down from, and he would be as childish as he pleased.

He remembered Inuyasha's threats, but he was quite sure he would find a way to prevent his little brother from carrying them out, so he went right ahead and did what he had done on three previous occasions. He melted down the door lock with the lethal poison he discharged from the tips of his elegantly long fingers, and let himself in once the bolt dissolved.

***

The enormous hole in their two-week-old door was the first sight to greet Inuyasha the moment he stepped out of the elevator in their private lobby area. The hanyou froze momentarily before striding stiffly up to the door and pushing it open. His sharp ears and nose picked up the sounds and scent of Sesshomaru soaking in the tub in their just-repaired bathroom.

Then his eyes flicked over to where their guest bedroom was – the room he had threatened to decamp to – and his jaw dropped while his ears rose.

Sesshomaru had boarded up the entire doorway to the guest bedroom with the remains of their last front door, which he had for some mysterious reason refused to let the locksmith-carpenter dispose of for them. Well, thought Inuyasha, the reason wasn't so mysterious any more.

He had even hammered in the strips of solid wood with such a thickly layered multitude of nails that if Inuyasha ripped them off, a large chunk of wall would come out with them – which would render the guest bedroom unsealable and unlockable, making it impossible for him to keep Sesshomaru out of it even if he moved in.

The half-demon narrowed his eyes, growled quietly to himself, and rang the locksmith again.

***

Neither brother mentioned the doors over dinner. Inuyasha acted as if nothing was wrong, and Sesshomaru followed suit.

"More steak?" Inuyasha asked coolly, pushing the platter across the table towards his brother.

"Thank you, I think I will have more," Sesshomaru replied equally calmly, helping himself to another medallion of rare filet mignon.

Privately, the taiyoukai wondered why the carpenter had not returned to put up a new door or any new locks although he had not heard him mention any problems regarding the prompt delivery of the required materials. Darkness had fallen, and yet, they still had only a makeshift latch and strip of wood over the hole.

He was, however, too proud to ask why. And he remained too proud to pose the question to his brother even when the main door stayed that way for another week. He and Inuyasha were still not speaking a word to each other about either the melted lock or the barred guest bedroom door despite the fact that neither of them had any meetings or appointments for the whole of that week, which meant that they were mostly either at home, or out together.

Inuyasha continued to sleep in their bed in the master bedroom, and was suspiciously submissive all week, literally allowing Sesshomaru to be top dog without any argument.

By the time Sesshomaru had another all-day business meeting to attend, he had almost allowed himself to think that things would simply stay that way at home. But he knew his half-demon brother far too well to believe that he would let matters lie. So it was with a buzz of expectation that he stepped out of the lift at the end of that long day of work during which he had had to make certain that all the land and property he owned was continuing to churn out a nice income for him and Inuyasha.

True enough, a brand-new door had been installed, though there was still a broad strip of opaque, garish yellow plastic taped over the bottom which had not been peeled off yet. Not unexpectedly, he rang the doorbell to find that Inuyasha was not at home.

Very well, if that was the way his brother wanted it, that was the way he would have it. Sesshomaru flexed his fingers and prepared to direct another bolt of venom at the new lock when, to his astonishment, the lock zapped him right back.

He stared at the door, leaned in for a cautious sniff, and recognised at once the signature of his own mother's considerable magical skills all over the powerful spell that now protected the lock and the rest of the door, as well as the door frame.

 _Clever boy,_ Sesshomaru thought. _So you got my mother on your side, did you?_

Then he sensed that a portion of the lower part of the door was not protected by the spell like the rest of it was.

 _Why would that be?_

Prickling with curiosity, Sesshomaru peeled away the plastic strip so that he could see what was behind it, and that was when he stiffened visibly.

The _brat_ – he _couldn't_ have. He wouldn't dare. He couldn't possibly have the _nerve_ …

But obviously he did, and he had.

Inuyasha had arranged to install a pet flap in the bottom half of the door. A _doggy_ door. A _Sesshomaru-sized_ doggy door – at least, it _would_ be Sesshomaru-sized if the taiyoukai got down on all fours and crawled through the flap like a good little dog.

Not on his life.

Furiously, Sesshomaru left the building and walked round the perimeter of the apartment block in the darkness of night, stealthily melted down one of the street security cameras, and took the big risk of exposure by taking flight right up to the penthouse.

Unfortunately, he got all the way up there only to find that his mother had placed powerful spells on the windows too, and all the curtains and blinds were drawn so that he could not even look inside.

With a snarl of anger, he returned to ground and stalked back into the building. He sat outside his front door and waited. And waited. And waited some more. But Inuyasha still wasn't home.

Finally, at four in the morning, a defeated Sesshomaru crawled through the doggy flap.

The first thing he saw was Inuyasha sitting pretty in the living room, watching him as he came in on his hands and knees. His mother – his own mother, the traitorous bitch! – had obviously shielded the hanyou's scent and presence with one of her spells too.

The half-demon gazed at the crawling Sesshomaru – half-in and half-out of the pet flap – with an insufferable look of total smugness and satisfaction on his face, and an intolerable perkiness to the set of his puppy ears, then rose to his feet and sashayed into the guest bedroom, which of course had also had its doorway freshly repaired and a new door put in place.

Complete with spells.

That would keep Sesshomaru out for ages.

The taiyoukai could only hope that it wouldn't be for the next five hundred years.


	5. Sit, Boy!

"Sit, boy!" the dog-trainer commanded his latest charge, a feisty but highly trainable Rottweiler pup.

A blinding flash of white five feet away in the park distracted both man and dog at that very moment, as they had a front-row view of the peculiar sight of a young fellow with long silver hair hitting the ground at top speed.

"Erm… are you all right?" the dog-trainer asked in concern, as the young bloke dragged himself upright with a groan and dusted his jeans off.

"I'm fine," the guy croaked in reply, giving him a shaky wave.

Another man, who had been sitting on a park bench nearby and who looked like the brother of the first one – for they both had hair and eyes of the same colour – strode quickly up to his sibling and muttered under his breath: "Why do you keep making a _fool_ of yourself?"

"Sorry – force of habit," the dog-trainer heard the first man reply sheepishly.

The taller brother with the shorter, very well-trimmed hair picked up the popsicle wrappers that his clumsy sibling had dropped when he fell, which he had obviously been about to discard in one of the park waste bins. He threw them into the bin, then took his younger brother's elbow and walked him back to the bench.

As they turned away, the trainer's ears only just caught the older, taller one saying something like: "Five hundred years and you're still hitting the ground every time any Tom, Dick or Harry says 'sit' – what's wrong with you? You're not even wearing those damned beads any more."

"Uh… reflex action…" were the few words the trainer could make out from the younger, longer-haired lad.

What a strange pair.

The trainer went back to his task of getting his new student in shape for his too-busy-to-train-him-ourselves owners, and made certain to reward the pup with praise and tiny treats for doing well. As puppies had short attention spans, he kept the session to fifteen minutes before stopping the training and taking the young fellow on a trot around the park.

He walked the pup for half-an-hour, brought him back to the same spot, and quickly ran him through some of the basic commands again to be sure he remembered them. When he proved to recall them all perfectly, the trainer gave him more praise and treats.

"How long have you been training dogs?" came a voice from beside him, making him jump, for he had not realised that anyone was standing that close to him. Even the dog looked surprised.

It was the older and taller of the two brothers he had seen earlier who had spoken; the younger one was hanging back slightly, looking sulky.

"Oh – I've been doing this for years!" the trainer replied. "Almost ten years now."

"So you would know how to handle a pup that refuses to cooperate with you?" the older brother asked.

"Cooperate how?" the trainer asked, slightly distracted by the fact that the Rottweiler pup seemed to be bowing to the tall man.

"Well, we have a dog at home…"

At these words from his older brother, the younger one who stood about a foot behind his sibling gave an open-mouthed stare that had: _We do??_ written all over it. But the trainer ignored this as the younger man was obviously defective in some way, and the elder brother surely had no reason to make up the existence of a dog.

"…and he doesn't seem to believe that I'm the boss. He sometimes refuses to let me touch him, doesn't come when he's called, and insists on having his own bedroom."

"Your dog… has his own bedroom…?" the trainer repeated just to clarify what he was hearing. Now _that_ was a new one.

"Yes. It _was_ a guest bedroom, but he seems to have claimed it for his own, and he won't let me into it. Any advice?"

"Wow. You've got a serious case there of a pet who thinks he's the alpha. He has probably decided that the bedroom is his den, and no one else is allowed in without his permission..."

The trainer could not help but notice that the younger brother was starting to look apoplectic with rage, turning red in the face and clenching his fists. Indeed, the second he paused in his speech, the lad blurted out: "Has it occurred to you that maybe the dog _needs_ his own space, to get away from the intrusive person who seems to think that just because he has alpha characteristics, he can do whatever the fuck he likes – to the dog and everyone else?!?"

"Ah, I see what the problem might be here," the trainer suggested gently. "The dog senses that his masters are at odds with each other, and is behaving the way he does because one of his humans is on his side, indulging him, while the other is trying to discipline him. He is using the one who is on his side, while challenging the other for top-dog position."

"So, as a highly experienced dog trainer, what would you recommend?" the older brother asked with a strange smile on his face. "By the way, I would be happy to pay you for the time you're taking to talk to us about it."

"Oh, don't worry about it – I'm not a _lawyer_ , you know – I won't bill you for a bit of chat, ha ha!" the trainer laughed. "It would be best, though, if I could see your dog and deal with him directly."

"He's really not friendly to strangers, which is why we don't usually have people over – not even dog trainers," the taller man said, drawing a scowl from his sibling.

"Well, if I were to offer some advice, I would start with asking the dog's human family to always present the dog with a united front," the trainer began. "That way the dog senses no discord and doesn't try to further upset the pecking order. Next, I would advise that the one being challenged by the dog – which would seem to be _you_ , sir – should always be the one to provide the dog with its food at meal times, and its treats too."

"Hey! The dog can feed himself!" the younger brother yelled angrily – but he was yelling at his sibling, and not at the trainer.

"You let your dog feed himself?" the trainer asked, puzzled. "What do you mean? Do you leave the kibble out so he can eat as and when he likes? Or do you have one of those nifty devices that lets the dog push a lever and drop some kibble into his bowl?"

"Let's just say he's a pretty smart dog," the older brother said calmly, with an indulgent gleam in his eye. "He knows how to get at his own food."

"That's a bad idea," the trainer murmured, shaking his head. "You should lock up the food where he can't access it, and give suitable portions to him only at fixed meal times. And you should do it yourself, sir. He should know that the food comes from you, and not from some machine. He needs to learn that you are the one who controls the resources."

"I _do_ control the resources," the silver-haired man said, smiling. "But what if he knows that and still refuses to acknowledge me as his alpha?"

"Hey, how about you behave so as to _earn_ the right to be his alpha?!" the younger brother snapped.

"You two _are_ brothers, right?" the trainer asked, rapidly feeling as if he was being sucked into a human counselling session. "Well, what makes you say that your brother behaves in ways that might communicate to the dog that he isn't the alpha?"

"The problem is that he _keeps communicating_ stridently and insistently that he's the alpha!" the young man complained. "The _dog_ doesn't like it! The dog would appreciate a little more _humility_."

"While that _is_ rare…" the trainer said patiently, "…I _have_ encountered cases where _very_ _sensitive_ dogs who were at the same time quite dominant in personality responded far more positively to kindness and patience than to dominant posturing on the part of the owner…"

"Hear that? Do you hear that?!?" the younger man jumped in, growling at his brother.

"I don't do _'posturing'_ ," the older brother said somewhat snootily. "I _am_ dominant."

"Well, in extreme cases where a dog who is as dominant as its owner refuses to acknowledge the human as the alpha, I sometimes recommend neutering."

"N-NEUTERING?!!?" the younger brother spluttered. "What kind of a _shitty_ recommendation is that?!?"

The trainer was now certain that something was seriously wrong with the younger brother. With the utmost gentleness and patience, he replied: "It is occasionally recommended by veterinarians whose clients are at the end of their tether dealing with an extremely headstrong male dog. Not _often_ recommended, but _sometimes_ , in bad cases…"

"Hmm," the older brother murmured, glancing at the younger. "Although we _do_ have a _problem case_ at home, neutering does seem most extreme. I very much prefer him, well, _intact_."

"Yeah, I would THINK you do!" the younger one snapped.

"In that case, you will have to be patient and go with gentler behavioural modification," the trainer said, rather grateful that this peculiar pair and their unbelievably difficult dog were not among his clients. Yet. "What kind of dog is he, anyway?"

"Part Spitz-type dog, part idiot," the older brother replied, with a smirk.

"That's part Spitz-type dog, part _genius_ , you moron," the younger countered.

"Ah… Spitz breeds," the trainer said, with a knowing smile. "Arctic dogs – smart, but very stubborn – often think that they know better than you. Would you know what type of Spitz, by the way? It's a fairly wide-ranging family, including notoriously independent and dominant breeds like the Siberian Husky, the Akita Inu, even the Chow Chow."

"Some Asian-type Spitz, that's for sure," the younger brother grumbled.

"Oh, those can be aloof," the trainer remarked. "Not that good with outsiders, but fiercely loyal to their family. Once you win him over, he's yours for life. How old is he, by the way?"

"We don't have his exact age," the older brother said. "He's physically mature, but he still behaves like a puppy, and he _acts_ as if he believes he's all grown up."

"Maybe he _is_ all grown up," the younger brother added with a growl.

"You must have adopted him, huh?" the trainer said. "A check with the vet would give you a better idea of his age – they can tell from the teeth. Judging by his behaviour and your description, I'd venture a guess that he's maybe about one year old. Dogs that age are physically mature, but still play like puppies sometimes. Just be patient with him, and give him lots of love, but don't let him have his way all the time. Be the one to give him his food and take him on walks – don't leave it to a hired dog-walker or to your brother – you have to show him _you're_ the one in charge. Look, it's been really interesting talking to you, but I have to get this little fella back to his owners round about now. Good luck with your dog. Here's my card – give me a ring if you want to book a training session."

"Thank you," the older brother said politely as he took his card, while the younger scowled once more.

To the trainer's surprise, the Rottweiler pup made a bowing motion again to the older brother before responding to the gentle tug of the leash and trotting off beside him.

As he turned away, he could hear the younger one snapping at his sibling: "'Part idiot'?"

And the older brother responding: "'Genius' is surely pushing it. Which part of 'genius' flings itself to the ground at every 'sit, boy'?"

"It's just a fucking old habit, okay?!? By the way, if you even _think_ the word 'neutering', I'll cut _your_ balls off first."

"Just you try that, puppy. Just you try that."

Those were the last words to reach his ears, before he walked too far away from them to hear any more. It occurred to him then that what they might need more than his name card was his therapist's contact number. Ah well, they would sort themselves out eventually, along with the dog.

What a weird pair.

No wonder the dog was screwed up too.


	6. Squeaking Good Time

Sesshomaru glared intently at the Jack Russell Terrier pup scampering around his living room like a super-turbo-powered machine on four legs. Up, down, over, under, back, forth, left and right it went – all over the apartment – never seeming to pause for even one moment. The taiyoukai could almost swear that if the damn thing could turn itself inside-out it would too.

It had initially been in awe of him when Inuyasha brought it home and set it down on the carpet in front of him, but it was quite young and silly and had rapidly lost its fear. It was now ignoring him as it chased a ball, worried the blinds, played tug of war with Inuyasha's jeans by latching onto them with its teeth and tugging backwards furiously, and barked at anything and everything, at top volume.

"When exactly did you say the owner of this… little beast… is coming by to pick it up?" Sesshomaru asked his brother, who seemed to be taking the extreme hyperactivity of the pup in his stride.

"At about four," Inuyasha replied casually, letting the dog clamp its jaws over his fingers and yank at them with such determination that even when the half-demon raised his arm right off the floor, the terrier went along with it and continued to cling to his hand, four little legs working frantically in the air.

"And _why_ exactly did you agree to babysit it?" the taiyoukai asked, feeling a rare headache blooming in his temples as the dog released Inuyasha's fingers, fell back to the carpet, scampered in circles around him in a frenzy, and barked sharply and loudly at the novelty of being dangled and dropped.

"Jenny had an emergency," Inuyasha murmured, grabbing the dog, pinching its cheeks, stretching its ears and scratching its back, which only got it even more excited. "Jenny – the girl from my acoustic drum class, remember? Her sister's ill, and she has to look after her kids until their other sister takes the next shift, and the dog and the kids just don't mix."

"I don't think the dog and I mix either," was Sesshomaru's deadpan comment.

"Oh, come on, you put up with Miss Chatterbox Rin for ages!" the half-demon countered.

"Whenever I told that child to shut up, she actually did. _This_ thing doesn't shut up, no matter what language is used to address it."

"He's only a pup!" Inuyasha sighed. "And he's a _Jack Russell_ pup. He doesn't know the meaning of 'shut up'."

"Nonetheless, would you please try to keep it quiet before I decide to get in touch with my cannibalistic side?"

"You _are_ in touch with your cannibalistic side," Inuyasha teased. "You love putting _me_ in your mouth…"

Sesshomaru, however, seemed to have lost his sense of humour, and only glared stonily at Inuyasha, making his brother's grin disappear swiftly.

"Fine, fine," Inuyasha muttered. "Jenny did give me a bag of his toys – let me see if there's anything in here that will keep him occupied."

At the sight of the drawstring bag, the pup leaped for joy and zoomed in on it, diving right inside with its stump of a tail quivering, and emerging with a toy – which unfortunately turned Sesshomaru's facial expression into one even more murderous than before, for the item the pup had seized was a hot-dog-shaped squeaky toy.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

"Oh, kami," the taiyoukai rumbled menacingly, getting up. But instead of killing the pup, he showed remarkable self-restraint by merely stalking off to his bedroom and shutting the door firmly after him.

Although the doors of the apartment were thick and the soundproofing excellent, Sesshomaru had very sharp ears, so the racket continued to hound him in the room.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

In the end, he had to resort to a pair of foam ear plugs, which did a reasonable job of muting the assault on his senses as he spent the afternoon going over his business and household accounts.

At five minutes to four, the squeaking was still going on intermittently, and Sesshomaru stared hard at the clock on his desk, willing the minute hand to move into a perfectly upright position. Once it did, he removed his ear plugs, opened his bedroom door to the sounds of more squeaking, and returned to the living room to stare pointedly at Inuyasha and the pup, who dropped the hot-dog squeaky toy and ran over to bite Sesshomaru's toes.

Inuyasha was on his mobile phone, talking to someone. At the taiyoukai's reappearance in the living room, he ended the call and said to his brother: "You'll be thrilled to know that Jenny is downstairs right at this moment. The pup is _going_. Now would you stop looking like you're about to kill someone?"

Scuffling and chaos followed as the half-demon tried to keep the squirming creature still long enough to put its little blue harness on and clip the pawprint-patterned leash to it, a development that only made the pup release another volley of high-pitched barks. Inuyasha scrambled out of the apartment with it, snatching up the bag of toys on the way to the door.

Sesshomaru could hear the pup continuing to bark noisily in the lobby, and even part of the way down as it rode the elevator to the ground floor with Inuyasha.

Silence at last.

The taiyoukai sat on his sofa and leaned back, immensely relieved that things were quiet and peaceful again. But as he rested his head against the back of the sofa and was about to close his eyes to soak in the pleasure of silence, he spotted something in bright and shiny shades of red, yellow, green and brown under the dining table.

It was the hot-dog squeaky toy, eye-catching with its rubbery yet glossy fake ketchup, fake mustard, fake lettuce and fake sausage in a sesame-seed bread roll. Sesshomaru groaned. That silly brother of his had left the toy behind in his hurry to get the dog out of the apartment. He rose and picked the toy up, then glanced out of the window at the pavement downstairs – only to see Inuyasha's friend, Jenny, getting into her car with the still-barking dog and driving away.

Too late.

As he watched the car disappear up the road, he saw Inuyasha getting drawn into a game of tug and fetch with the German Shepherd Dog who lived in the ground-floor duplex on the south side of their apartment complex.

Well, he would be at it for a while. At least _that_ damn dog didn't have ticks any more.

Sesshomaru tossed the squeaky toy onto the coffee table, so Inuyasha would see it when he came back up, and hopefully would remember to return it to his friend another time.

As he sat down on the sofa again and relaxed his limbs, however, he couldn't stop looking at the toy on the coffee table right before him. It looked so artificial, so shiny, so… _interesting_. Why did dogs like these things so much?

Out of curiosity, Sesshomaru picked up the toy again and gave it a sniff. It smelt of oily plastic and rubber and dyes and puppy drool, the last of which was not offensive to the dog-demon, but even a little bit appealing, despite the noisiness of the pup it had come from.

His curiosity extended a little further as he tentatively put one end of the toy into his mouth and bit on it.

Squeak.

Hmm. That was nowhere near the volume the pup had been able to generate. He moved his mouth closer to the middle of the toy and sank his teeth into the plump centre of the hot-dog, where most of the fake ketchup and mustard was.

SQUEAK!

Now that was more like it.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK!!

Ah, that was satisfying – it felt like he was biting the life out of some creature which ought to be honoured that he had chosen to make supper of it, without having to clean up the blood and guts and bits of skin that invariably stuck to one's back teeth.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK!! SQUEAK!!!

Ooh, that squealing creature was _so_ dying under his mighty jaws. Die, prey, die! SQUEAK!!! SQUEAK!!!! SQUEAK!!!!!

The sound of its screams of terror and pain sounded oh so good to the superior breed of predator he was. SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! Lord of the wilds, king of the forests, ruler of the world….

The front door opened and Sesshomaru dropped the toy like a hot potato.

Inuyasha came in, covered in German Shepherd Dog hair, and immediately spotted the toy on the coffee table.

"Damn! Did I leave that behind?" he grumbled. "I'll have to return it to Jenny tomorrow when I see her."

The half-demon walked up to the coffee table, picked up the toy, and was carrying it to the side-table near the door where he would be sure to see it the next time he left the apartment, when he stopped and sniffed at it.

He sniffed at it again. And again. And then turned slowly to stare at his brother.

"This totally smells of your drool!" Inuyasha said accusingly.

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Does not."

"It does too! You've been playing with it, haven't you, you big idiot?"

Inuyasha squeezed the toy to make it squeak.

"Stop that," Sesshomaru warned.

Inuyasha squeezed the toy again. "Oooh, you like it, don't you, you big fluffy softie of an overgrown puppy? Huh? Huh? Who's a goofy boy who loves his widdle squeaky toy?"

SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

"Inuyasha…" Sesshomaru growled as he stood up, but he was turning faintly pink under his scowl.

"If widdle poochie-woochie wants his widdle squeaky toy he's gonna have to come get it from me…" Inuyasha sang, dancing away with the hot-dog.

"I have no interest in that ridiculous toy."

"Oh, sure you don't – getting tooth marks and saliva all over it is a really strong sign of absence of interest, isn't it, now? Woo-hoo, I'm gonna _love_ telling wolf-boy and Shippo all about this!"

"If you dare suggest to our friends that I would lower myself so far as to bite on a squeaky toy, that backside of yours will be the next thing that squeaks," Sesshomaru threatened.

"Oh, will it now?" Inuyasha hooted. "So squeaking _does_ turn you on! Knew it! Bet you'll be more interested in salivating over the squeaky toy than my backside – maybe you'll try to spank me with it – double the fun, with extra sound effects too!"

"Inuyasha…" Sesshomaru's growl rose in volume until the half-demon heard the distinctly menacing tone in it, and fled into the guest room, where Sesshomaru could not get to him.

***

They called a truce at dinnertime, and ate together in relative peace, with Inuyasha refraining from smirking, and Sesshomaru holding back from growling.

But at some point between dinner and bedtime, Inuyasha must have slipped into the main bedroom without Sesshomaru's knowledge, for when the taiyoukai retired for the night, he lifted the covers to find that his brother had placed the squeaky toy on the side of the bed he normally slept on, and had dressed it in a doll's nightie, with two felt-pen marks on one end of it as eyes, and a slash of lipstick for a mouth, and a note that read: "I'll make you feel sooooo good, my widdle hot dog!"

"INUYASHA!" Sesshomaru roared, the depth and resonance of his snarl promising all kinds of retribution that would surely culminate in a half-demon's backside squeaking for mercy.

Inuyasha sprinted for the guest room.


	7. Toilet Humour

"What _are_ you doing?" Sesshomaru's deep, silky-smooth voice, tinged with an overtone of curiosity, came from the open doorway of the bathroom.

Inuyasha, caught in the act of drinking directly from the cascading spray of shower water, closed his mouth, drew his head back from the water, stared at the taiyoukai who was leaning casually against the door frame, and said a little defensively: "Taking a shower, of course. What does it look like? And I thought I _closed_ that door?"

Sesshomaru was tempted to launch into some partially poetic but mostly filthy descriptions of what his half-sibling looked like standing beautifully naked under rain-like droplets of falling water, behind the clear glass screen of the brand-new, spacious shower area they had built. It was an especially welcome sight because he had finally succeeded in luring Inuyasha out of the guest room and back into their bedroom only two days ago.

But he was marginally more intrigued at present by the drinking. "It looked like you were swallowing your shower water," he stated.

"Can't a half-demon do two things at the same time?" Inuyasha sighed. "In fact, can't a half-demon do _anything_ around here without being ogled?"

"Does the water taste different coming out of the shower head?"

"Uh, it still tastes just like tap water, only a lot warmer coming straight from the heater, and it sort of splatters in these firm little drops right onto your tongue… I dunno, it's fun drinking it that way sometimes, you know? Come on, don't tell me you've never stood under the shower and just tilted your head back and held your mouth open."

Sesshomaru had to admit that he had never done any such thing. When in his two-legged form, he was proper enough to drink strictly from cups and glasses, and occasionally from the narrow openings of bottles if there was no other sensible option. When in his dog form – an increasingly rare occurrence these days for lack of space and privacy – he liked to put his head down and lap from pools, streams and lakes.

But having seen with his own eyes how domestic dogs seemed to have a ball slurping up water from burst water pipes, running kitchen taps, leaking faucets, bathtubs, even toilet bowls, he wondered if there was something profoundly doggish about drinking water from inappropriate modern-day outlets that he was somehow missing.

So when it was his turn to step into the shower later that morning, he tilted his head back, opened his mouth, and let the fine pellets of liquid hit his tongue and the back of his mouth. He discovered that it was a rather enjoyable sensation. Not anywhere near as efficient and sensible as drinking from a cup, but certainly interesting, and _different_.

Hmm.

***

Sesshomaru might have been able to keep his shower-drinking experiment from Inuyasha by taking care to lock the door while he was in the bathroom, but he was caught lapping from the kitchen tap later that night, after dinner, when he was supposed to be doing the dishes.

"Ha! Couldn't resist that, could you?" Inuyasha snorted. "Come on, tell me it's a nice feeling to drink water that way."

"It's not bad," Sesshomaru said, in as dignified a way as he could with water dripping down his aristocratic chin.

Inuyasha stepped forward and bent his own head down towards the flow of water. As he drank, he commented: "The kitchen tap * _slurp_ * is nice * _slobber_ * because the faucet's * _lick, lick_ * set nice and high above the sink, so * _lap, lap_ * you can get at a whole long, thick stream of water * _slurp_ *."

Sesshomaru bent down again and joined him, their tongues tangling. He was obliged to confess that it was fun competing with his brother to see who could get more from the same stream of tap water.

They tried lapping water from the bathtub next, and from a fishbowl housing a single goldfish that Sesshomaru's mother had left with them while she was on holiday, and from the hose that they sometimes used when they wanted to wash the balcony, and from the watering can, and together in the shower again.

After being generally silly, almost giving the goldfish a heart attack, and wasting an awful lot of water, but having had more innocent fun together than they had enjoyed in a very long time, they were hyper-hydrated and at bursting point.

"I need to pee," Inuyasha announced as they stood in the shower.

"Well don't do it _here_ – we just cleaned the bathroom yesterday," Sesshomaru warned, although he himself was tempted to empty his extremely full bladder right where he stood. "Not with the toilet bowl just ten feet away, all right?"

As he said that, they looked at each other with an odd gleam in their eyes, turned off the shower, and went over together to peer into the toilet bowl.

Now _that_ , they hadn't tried drinking out of yet.

It did look tempting, however, a cream-hued porcelain basin half-filled with water that was all still and cool and inviting, and dogs _did_ love pee, and poopy smells, and…

Sesshomaru caught Inuyasha's eye again, and both brothers leaned back and away from the toilet bowl.

" _That_ might be going a _little_ too far," Inuyasha declared. He was half-human after all, and there was something about sticking his head into a toilet bowl for the purpose of lapping at the water in it that seriously revolted the human side of him, although the doggy half was inclined to be adventurous.

"Mmm… you could be right," Sesshomaru admitted. "Although it _does_ look nice…"

The brothers leaned forward again and looked at the water.

Inuyasha pulled back once more and said: "Eww. No, I can't."

"Just one little lap," Sesshomaru cajoled.

"Nope. This is where I draw the line."

"One lick."

"Yuck."

"All right, then, _I'll_ do it."

"Sesshomaru, if you stick your mouth in there I can tell you right here and now that you are _never_ kissing me, _ever again_ , for as long as we live, and I think you know that's going to be a _pretty_ long time."

"Come on, Yasha, just once, so we'll know what it's like," Sesshomaru said as seductively as it was possible for a dog demon to be while hovering over a loo.

"Sesshomaru, we don't _have_ to know what it's like. Uh-uh, don't you dare…"

"It's _only_ a toilet bowl."

"It's a _TOILET bowl_."

"You lick my butt sometimes."

"That's different. And this is where this debate ends. It's me or the toilet bowl."

"Well, when you put it like that…"

"I _do_ put it like that. And don't think you can get away with it while I'm asleep or out, because if you think I won't be able to smell toilet-bowl breath on you even when I'm totally unconscious, think again, Sesshomaru."

"Wimpy half-human."

"Filthy dog."

"Look who's talking dirty now."

"Filthy, _filthy_ dog…"


	8. Sick As A Dog

"You feel kind of hot," Inuyasha remarked as Sesshomaru curled up against him in bed with intent.

"Why, thank you," the taiyoukai replied.

"No, you idiot, I mean you _literally_ feel kind of hot – are you running a temperature?"

"I doubt that. I don't feel unwell. I never do, do I?"

"The world is a different place now, Sesshomaru. All sorts of weird bugs that never used to trouble anyone before are killing living creatures left, right and centre. Maybe you've got canine distemper – I'm pretty damn sure you were never vaccinated against it in all the one thousand, two hundred years of your life."

"Don't be ridiculous – I haven't got canine distemper," Sesshomaru stated, nuzzling his brother's neck.

"Seriously – you could be sick – where's the thermometer?"

Inuyasha groped about the bedside table's top drawer for the old-fashioned mercury thermometer they kept in there, and promptly stuck it into Sesshomaru's mouth.

"Don't you dare bite down, or we'll have mercury all over the bloody sheets."

Sesshomaru's stony glare was slightly less effective than usual, being somewhat marred by the glass tube with the neon-yellow temperature-chart strip encased in it, protruding from his mouth.

Three minutes of stony glaring later, Inuyasha pulled the thermometer out of the taiyoukai's mouth and jumped at the reading.

"39.7 degrees Celsius! A dog's normal upper limit is 39.2! And you're normally only about 38 degrees, even when you're all wrapped up in the mokomoko. You _do_ have a fever!"

"I do not," Sesshomaru said stiffly. "Dogs reach slightly higher temperatures when they are excited about something, and I hope I don't have to make it too plain to you exactly _what_ I'm excited about right now. Besides, I'm a dog _demon_. I've reached far higher temperatures before on a variety of occasions."

"Not while resting at home you haven't," Inuyasha stated firmly, picking up his mobile phone and ringing the vet.

When the receptionist picked up at the other end, Inuyasha asked to speak to the doctor, who very promptly took the call, for this exceedingly rich client of his, whom he knew only as Mr Keiji Souga, was always bringing in strays to be treated and lost pets to be looked over, paying up in cash without hesitation. He never failed either to write him generous cheques for phone consultations concerning dogs that for one reason or another could not be taken to the clinic.

"Hey Doc, I need your advice about this overgrown adult pooch I have here whose temperature is normally 38 degrees, but he's now at 39.7. Isn't anything above 39.2 considered a fever?" Inuyasha asked.

"Mr Souga! It is always good to hear from you! Is that another lucky stray you rescued off the street? Yes, you are quite right – anything above 39.2 is technically considered an elevated temperature for a dog. However, some dogs who are nervous or excited about something may reach 39.7 degrees with little ill effect. Is the dog agitated?"

"Yeah, he's getting more so by the minute," Inuyasha said, glancing at the taiyoukai.

"Try to calm him down – his temperature should return to normal once he's been settled and still for a while."

"Not much chance of that," Inuyasha replied, casting another wary glance at his brother.

"What is he excited about?" the vet inquired.

"He's seriously horny. In fact, he's humping my leg as we speak."

"Oh dear, that is certainly not going to calm him down. I suggest that you confine him to a quiet, cool and not-too-brightly-lit room to get him into a less excited state. If necessary, restrain him."

"I somehow doubt that's going to work," Inuyasha murmured vaguely as the extremely improbable mental image of a collared and chained Sesshomaru being told to quietly sit and stay flashed through his mind. "Just let me know how high his temperature should be allowed to go before I have to worry."

"39.72 is really about the maximum in an agitated state. If it goes beyond that, or stays elevated at the current reading, there may be another cause besides agitation. It could be heatstroke, which will be accompanied by heavy panting, vomiting, very red gums and tongue, and possible collapse – but that is unlikely in this cool weather. Or it could be an infection, which will almost certainly be accompanied by other signs of illness like loss of appetite, coughing or depression. However, it doesn't sound like the dog you have there is sick – not if it's humping your leg. It's probably just excited. If you do notice any other signs of illness, or the temperature goes up, or remains at 39.7 an hour after he has calmed down, ring me back at once and I will make a house call to examine him. What kind of thermometer are you using, anyway? A digital one for the ear?"

"No – a mercury one."

"How did you manage to take his temperature with it, considering that he's so restless?" the vet asked.

"I just stuck it in his mouth."

"Oh, no, no!" the vet exclaimed. "He could bite it and swallow the mercury and then you'd have a medical emergency on your hands! We normally do not recommend using mercury thermometers on animals at all, but if you _must_ use one, you're supposed to stick it into his rectum. You'll have to grasp the base of his tail to keep him still."

"Uh…" Inuyasha murmured, getting another mental image of his having to subdue Sesshomaru thoroughly enough to keep a fragile tube of glass shoved up his ass for at least two minutes. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Do not put it into his mouth again! Do you have a digital thermometer that you can put into his ear?"

"I'm sure I have one somewhere about," Inuyasha murmured, fumbling around in the middle drawer of the bedside table, and finally producing the digital pet-thermometer, still wrapped in its original packaging. "Here it is!"

"Good – use it, please!"

"Sure, doc. Thanks for the advice. I'll ring you back at once if I suspect he's sick."

"Any time, Mr Souga."

Inuyasha put the phone down and tried to ease Sesshomaru off his leg. "Hey, behave. Apparently your temperature is nothing to worry about yet. But if it stays like that, it could be a problem. You'd better _not_ be sick."

"Do I look sick to you?" Sesshomaru rumbled, pouncing on Inuyasha and pinning him to the bed.

"I dunno, with all that pale-as-death skin and feverish golden eyes, not to mention the rash-like skin markings, I often wonder…"

"And what about you?" Sesshomaru growled, flicking Inuyasha's ears and pulling his mouth open. "You with the weird symptoms of monthly white-hair-loss and instant black-hair regrowth, the mysterious disappearance and reappearance of your ears and fangs, and even changing your eye colour – perhaps we should get the vet to check _you_ out."

"Very fine words for someone who turns into a fluffy white dog the size of a T-Rex every now and again," Inuyasha snapped back. "Let's see what the _zoo_ has to say about that!"

"At least I would be a star exhibit – you would surely be consigned to the _petting_ zoo, where children would be allowed to pull your ears."

"It was obviously too kind of me to suggest that the zoo would take you – perhaps the taxidermist's would be a more appropriate destination, followed by the _un_ natural history museum!" Inuyasha snarled.

"Oh, really? What's _your_ temperature, then, little brother? Let's see whether this interesting specimen squirming under me is more animal than human…"

Holding Inuyasha down with the weight of his body, Sesshomaru snatched the digital pet-thermometer out of his hand, unwrapped it, checked that the batteries were still working and not leaking, then inserted the long end of it past one of the white-furred ear flaps and into the ear canal.

When the thermometer beeped, Sesshomaru read off the display: "38 exactly. Squarely within normal dog temperature range."

Then another thought occurred to Sesshomaru, and he grabbed the mercury thermometer this time. He shook the mercury level down with two firm flicks of his wrist, and jammed the bulb into Inuyasha's mouth.

"Don't bite down now," he warned his brother. "Half-demons who swallow mercury will probably need their stomachs pumped, whereas a _full_ demon would probably not even notice that he had swallowed any."

It was Inuyasha's turn to glare in silence for the next three minutes, at the end of which Sesshomaru whipped the glass thermometer out and peered at it. The taiyoukai snorted.

"What? What's so funny?" Inuyasha demanded.

With a smirk on his face, Sesshomaru said: "It reads 37 degrees Celsius. Perfectly normal human body temperature. Oh my, what a fascinating _laboratory_ specimen you would be, my little brother – truly a half-dog-demon – dog temperature in the ears, human temperature in the mouth… what a very peculiar creature you are. We should donate your body to science!"

"Ha ha ha, very funny," Inuyasha snapped. "Now get off me."

"Not a chance, little brother," said the taiyoukai with an evil grin. "Not before I've found out what reading we get when we put this thing up that tasty behind of yours… maybe it will be a _cat_ temperature or something…"

"Hey, don't you dare – Sesshomaru – I'm warning you – keep that thing away from my butt!"

"Oh no, I won't – isn't that exactly where the good veterinarian said it should be inserted? I could hear what he was saying, you know."

"Ow! Leave my ass alone! I'm calling in animal control to shoot you, I am! You probably have _rabies_ or something, you sick bastard!"

"Grrr…" Sesshomaru gave a mock-growl, and pretended to foam at the mouth.

"Bloody hell, stop that – you're drooling all over me, you mucky puppy!"

"Come on, wimpy little pup," Sesshomaru cajoled. "Let me put this thermometer where it needs to go."

"It needs to go up _YOUR_ ass, that's what it needs to do!" Inuyasha yelled. "It will probably show a reading of TOP-CLASS ASSHOLE, that's what it will show!"

With that, Inuyasha kicked out strongly and sent the mercury thermometer flying out of Sesshomaru's hand to break into pieces and send globs of shiny silver mercury all over the teak floor.

"Now look what you've done," Sesshomaru said. "It will take us forever to chase down every last drop of that mercury – we'll have to siphon it out from between the boards."

"Well, we're lucky that we _have_ got forever, aren't we?" Inuyasha said sarcastically.

"You were just scared to have a teeny stick of glass and metal up your butt," Sesshomaru huffed.

"Was not. If I were scared of something so small, then I'd definitely have cut your dick off centuries ago."

"Was that a compliment?"

"No."

"You were scared, weren't you, Scaredy-cat? I'll bet I _would_ have found a feline rectal temperature reading."

"Bullshit."

"Oh, so we're part bull too, are we?" Sesshomaru teased smoothly. "I wonder where I'd find _that_ reading."

"You'd find it up _your_ rectum, that's where you'd find it."

"Scaredy-cat..."

"Freak-show dog..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers who use only the Fahrenheit system may like to know that 100 degrees Fahrenheit is equal to approximately 37.7 degrees Celsius. Hope you had fun reading this chapter!


	9. Animal Abuse

"Hello, is that the SPCA?" a sharpish male voice came over the line.

"Yes, how can we help you?" asked the staff member manning one of the non-emergency hotline extensions.

"I'd like to report a possible case of dog abuse," the caller said, his voice sounding slightly strained. "But I'm not sure if it qualifies as abuse."

"Could you give me some details please?" prompted the SPCA worker.

"Well, is it considered abuse if the dog wants to go out, but his companion just wants to stay in and get cosy?"

"That depends on whether the dog is taken out regularly or not."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"I mean that if the dog's human guardian always walks it daily or almost daily, and misses an outing occasionally, it probably doesn't qualify as abuse. It _is_ abuse, however, if the dog is cooped up all the time and never gets to go out."

"Damn."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Nothing. Okay, what about if the dog hates getting its coat deticked and its claws filed – I mean really _hates_ it – and its guardian literally _sits_ on it to force it to be deticked and manicured?"

"Sir, deticking and claw-filing are routine grooming procedures, so unless the guardian is using excessive force on the dog or is otherwise injuring the dog, that does not sound like a problem. How large is the dog? Does its guardian injure it by putting his weight on it?"

"Well, the dog's pretty big. But its _guardian_ can get pretty damn heavy too."

"Does the dog get injured?"

"Uhm, noooo…"

"Then there probably isn't an issue. Are you calling us regarding your concerns about a neighbour's behaviour towards his dog that you've observed, sir?"

"Yeah, you could say that. I can't give too many details for various reasons, but essentially, I want to check what qualifies as abuse and what doesn't."

"So far, nothing seems terribly wrong."

"What about when the dog isn't in the mood for too much contact, but after sitting on it for its grooming sessions, its guardian won't get off it?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"He won't get off the dog. Starts kissing and rubbing and putting his tongue and his dick where they haven't been given permission to go."

"Erm… sir… are you telling me that the dog's guardian is _sexually abusing_ the dog?"

"Look, thing is, most of the time the dog doesn't mind – quite enjoys it, in fact. It's just that sometimes when he's not in the mood, and the guy gets randy, things start getting hairy around the house – they fight, stuff breaks…"

"Sir," said the SPCA worker in an urgent tone of voice, although she was keeping calm. " _No_ form of sexual contact between an animal and a human can _ever_ be considered consensual. _Any_ kind of sexual abuse of a dog is _definitely_ abuse! Whether the dog 'enjoys' it or not has nothing to do with the acceptability of the act!"

"Whaddaya mean it doesn't matter whether the dog enjoys it or not? Don't you care about the dog's feelings too? It's important that it be enjoyable at least some of the time! And it is! The guy's not bad, just that he goes on and on like a bloody Duracell rabbit."

Audibly drawing a deep breath and consciously maintaining her cool, the SPCA worker asked calmly: "Sir, would you please give me the location of the place where you have witnessed such abuse?"

"Uh… look… what if the guardian's also a dog…?"

"Is this a prank call?"

"No! No, it's not a prank call! I'm serious! What if the dog's guardian is a dog too, and they –"

"Sir, I am doing my best to give you the benefit of the doubt, so I am going to ask you now if you are reporting a case of abandoned dogs in your area. Are these dogs fending for themselves because they are not under the care of any humans?"

"Humans wouldn't know shit about caring for these dogs… well, maybe except for a few humans about five hundred years ago, who weren't half bad. But these days? Nah."

"So the dogs _are_ abandoned. Where are they? Where can we pick them up from?"

"Look, I'm not asking you to pick them up. They're looking after themselves fine. I just wanted to know the technicalities of when something is considered abuse."

"Sir, if there are two dogs out there sitting on each other, grooming each other and mounting each other, that really is their business – except for the fact that they are not being looked after by any humans, which _is_ a problem."

"Trust me, the absence of humans is not a problem. I don't suppose it makes any difference to the case if the two dogs are brothers?"

"This is not funny, and you have wasted more than enough of our time. I am going to have this call traced –"

"This is an untraceable line. Believe me, we've had centuries to perfect the art of being untraceable –"

*click*

"Bloody hell, she hung up on me!" the caller snapped into the line which had gone dead.

"So I'm not abusing you, am I?" a deep voice purred in the caller's furry left ear.

"Apparently not. But hang on – I haven't tried the Dog Welfare Society yet – maybe they'll have a different set of criteria for… arrrrgh, Sesshomaru! Hands off me! Don't start that again – I'm exhausted… ack!"

"Well, _I_ haven't even got started yet, little brother…"

"Hello? Hello? Dog Welfare Society? I need to check with you about…"

"Hang up now, puppy. I promise you're going to enjoy this…"

"Hello? Hello –"

*click*


	10. Going Walkies

The young man with the long silver hair strode into fanciest department store in town, headed for the men's section, and zoomed in on the belts at once. He swiftly narrowed his choices down to several belts, all of the finest quality, crafted from rich brown leather and buckled with polished brass, some finely plaited and others elaborately tooled.

His selection puzzled the salesperson who was attempting to help him, because every one of the belts he picked out was of a length designed for girths that were... _generous,_ to put it kindly.

The customer was hardly fat. In fact, he wasn't even plump. He was as fit and trim a specimen as anyone had ever seen, yet the belts he wanted were cut for waists of such impressive measurements that each of them would have comfortably gone at least three times around that perfectly toned midriff of his. What did such a physically perfect specimen want with such large belts?

"You appear to be looking for a gift for someone, sir. Can I help you in any way?" the salesperson asked, his practised eye quickly taking in the customer's bearing and attire. The young man wore his clothes with casual ease, although his garments were very well cut, and his walking shoes looked hand-made. Only someone who was rich enough not to care about the cost of what he was wearing would carry himself with such complete absence of self-consciousness while scrabbling inelegantly through designer belts that had been beautifully arranged to begin with, but which he had somehow managed to tangle up into a massive knot.

"Uhm, yeah," the customer replied distractedly, trying to undo the Gordian knot without having to cut through it. "These the biggest and widest you have?"

The salesperson took the unwieldy clump of pricey leather from him and struggled through the confusion of tags and labels before being able to answer: "Yes, sir. These are the longest and widest belts we have."

"Are they strong enough to withstand a lot of strain?" the customer asked.

"They are of the very best quality, and are designed to handle just about anything," the salesperson replied smoothly, although he was privately wondering just how big the belt's intended wearer had to be if his belly was going to further strain such massively long accessories.

"Then I guess they'll have to do," the young man decided. "I'll take two of them – erm, no – three."

"Are they all for the same person?" asked the salesperson with unconcealed curiosity, though he quickly managed to disguise it by following up with another question. "I mean, would you like to have them gift-wrapped separately or together?"

"Gift-wrapping won't be necessary."

"But they are a gift for someone, I take it?"

"Well, they're for someone all right, but I'm not sure I would call them a gift. So forget the wrapping."

"Very well, sir."

He had to swallow his mouthful of questions and be happy with the fact that he had made a reasonably big but easy sale, all paid for in cash too.

However, his curiosity was fired all over again when the customer asked: "You guys have a sports department here with a nautical section?"

"Yes, sir – our sports department has a wide range of sailing accessories and equipment – we can even order water craft for you. Let me show you the store map… it's on the fifth floor, in the furthest corner – shall I walk you there?"

"Nah – the map's just fine. I'll find it. Thanks."

He disappeared, and the salesperson made a mental note to ask one of his acquaintances from the sports department what the silver-haired customer's purchase was.

Later in the day, when he ran into the woman he knew from the sports section, he learnt that a young man with long, silver hair had indeed stopped by the fifth floor, and had paid in cash for a Tuffline winch rope with a safety hook affixed to one end.

"Did he say what he wanted it for?" the salesman inquired, quickly developing images in his head of the young man belting up and then towing a very obese friend out to sea.

"No, and I didn't ask. Wish I had, though. He was really cute," the woman said wistfully.

"Yeah, he was," came the equally wistful reply.

***

When he got home, Inuyasha showed the items to Sesshomaru, who pronounced himself satisfied with their quality and strength.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Inuyasha asked his brother doubtfully.

"Of course," Sesshomaru stated. "I want to find out, don't you?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

That afternoon, they hopped into a rented four-wheel drive – because Sesshomaru's Jaguar wouldn't do for this trip – and sped out of the city into the biggest and most remote forested area that could reasonably be reached after a few hours on and off the road.

By the time they got to a suitable spot, night had fallen. But with their demon eyes, they had no difficulty making their way on foot (with the occasional great leap and short flight) into an even deeper part of the wilderness. This was not camping or rock-climbing territory, so there were no humans around. Nonetheless, they knew of the dangers of night-vision technology, super-powered zoom lenses and powerful satellites circling the earth, so they made sure they had good tree cover and sniffed the air thoroughly to ascertain that no human being was in this part of the forest at all.

Then Sesshomaru transformed into his full dog shape, something he rarely did in this day and age. His gigantic canine frame filled the area they were in, but the trees around them were very tall, so his furry white head did not poke through the canopy.

"You should be able to lie down here," Inuyasha said, pointing out a decently sized patch of clear ground.

In his dog form, Sesshomaru could not speak human languages, but he could understand perfectly well, and could growl out well enough in his Inu tongue. _Is this all right for you?_ he asked his little brother, who was now scampering about like a kitten running around a shaggy Tibetan Mastiff.

"Yeah, should be no problem," Inuyasha called back, removing from his backpack the three coiled-up belts, which he had linked into one. With a graceful leap, he jumped lightly onto Sesshomaru's back, and carefully laid the length of belt over his dog-brother's neck so that the two ends reached the ground on either side. Then he jumped down, and Sesshomaru slowly raised his great head a little, allowing Inuyasha to run under his throat and secure the two belt ends around his neck.

It was a perfect collar for a larger-than-life dog.

That done, Inuyasha took out the winch rope and slipped the safety hook over the belt leather. He had knotted the other end of the winch rope into a loop, which he now put his hand through.

It was a perfect leash for a larger-than-life dog.

"Okay, we're ready," Inuyasha said to his dog-demon sibling.

Sesshomaru raised his massive shape nimbly off the ground, and began to walk. They walked around and around the forest under the cover of the trees and darkness, and walked some more.

"Well?" Inuyasha asked after some time.

_I don't get it,_ Sesshomaru stated.

"Maybe we're not doing this right. Try breaking into a trot."

So they increased the pace and tried a faster jog-walk round the forest.

"Anything?" Inuyasha enquired.

_I remain unimpressed,_ came Sesshomaru's reply.

"So it's not that big a deal?" Inuyasha asked.

_Not in my opinion._

"Dogs all over the world _go nuts_ over being walked. There's gotta be something in it!"

_I repeat: not in my opinion,_ his dog brother told him. _Maybe I should drag you around a bit, the way I see feistier animal-dogs tugging their weak human guardians and making them stagger all over the place._

"Drag?" Inuyasha gasped. "Uh, I'm not sure that's a – aaaAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH! No – OUCH – oof! You're swinging me into the TREES – watch that trunk! WHOA! SESSHOMARU! BAD DOG!"

With a splat, Inuyasha landed in the soft dirt at Sesshomaru's front paws, having been swung around in a rather ragged circle at the end of the leash-winch, the circuit broken by serial impact with a good number of tree trunks.

"Bloody dog," Inuyasha muttered, spitting soil out of his mouth. He still clutched the loop of the leash in his right hand.

Sesshomaru was standing over him, laughing softly at him in his doggy way, tongue hanging out, enormous head shaking in long, slow nods. He even drooled onto the top of Inuyasha's head.

_Now that, little brother, was fun,_ came Seshsomaru's amused statement.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll bet you enjoyed that," he grumbled, wiping the drool off his hair.

Sesshomaru transformed back into his two-legged form, a swift process that always left Inuyasha feeling envious, because his brother was so good at these magical transformations that every thread of his clothing was perfectly intact when he changed back.

"I still don't understand where your stuff _goes_ when you're a dog, and how it comes back, all properly in place when you change into your two-legged shape," Inuyasha grumbled. "I've seen other demons who aren't as good at it reappear in their human form totally naked! Even your backpack is still on!"

"Superiority is unfair, isn't it?" Sesshomaru asked smugly. The three belts were now in his hand, and he gave them to Inuyasha to roll up and put away.

Inuyasha stuffed the belts and winch rope into his own backpack, glancing at Sesshomaru's bag and commenting: "What have you got in there, anyway? As you're so _superior_ you ought to be lugging these things around instead of me."

"My pack contains what should make this the best part of the night for me," Sesshomaru said, shrugging it off his shoulders. He opened it and extracted its contents.

"Ohhhhhh no you don't…" Inuyasha said, backing away, when he saw what Sesshomaru was now holding in his hands.

A real doggy collar and a real leash from the pet store, complete with paw-print patterns.

"Oh yes I do," Sesshomaru answered, taking a step forward.

"No you DON'T!" Inuyasha repeated, turning and fleeing.

"Oh Inuyasha… you should know better than to run from a dog…"

With that, Sesshomaru leaped after his brother.

"Get away from me, you sick puppy! Bad dog! Back off!"

But the dog demon pounced on his brother and pinned him face-down to the ground.

"Ow! Stop that! Get off!"

"It will be fun," he cajoled, buckling the collar in place around Inuyasha's neck, and snapping the leash on.

"Yeah, for _you_!"

"Come on, Yasha – you've just led me round in circles at the end of a very long leash. My turn. It's only fair."

"You're such a pervert."

"Up on your hands and knees now. Round the forest."

Inuyasha scowled, then considered the alternatives and made a quick bargain: " _Once_ round the forest only, then we're done."

"Very well, just once."

Grumbling under his breath, but knowing that it would take less out of both of them if he complied, Inuyasha reluctantly shifted onto his hands and knees and started walking on all fours along the forest floor.

"Heel, boy," Sesshomaru teased.

"I'll bite your heel off, that's what I'll do."

"Come on, isn't it at least a little bit fun? Maybe I really shouldn't make you heel – when you're in front of me, your butt looks cute waggling like that."

"Oh shut up, sicko."

"It appears that the doggy needs to have his mouth washed out with soap."

"Pervy bastard."

"Where's that muzzle I put into the backpack?"

Inuyasha kept his mouth shut for the rest of the walk.

***

The next day, the salesman who had served Inuyasha happened to be taking some paperwork up to the sports department on the fifth floor, and was spending a few minutes talking to his friend there, when they spotted the silver-haired young man striding through the store, looking every bit as delectable as he had the day before.

Delighted to see him – especially since he had obviously not brought the belts or rope winch back for a refund – the two employees approached him at once.

"Welcome back, sir! I hope the belts were to the satisfaction of the friend you gave them to?" the first chirped.

"And I hope the Tuffline winch worked perfectly for whatever you needed it for," said the second.

"Oh, it's you two. Yeah, the winch was unbreakable. Unfortunately. And he loved the belts all right. A bit too much, even. Did you know they bloody hurt when they're used as whips across one's naked butt? Ah… never mind. I'm back for something else. Do you guys sell those kneepad thingies that rollerbladers wear?"

"Of course!" the salesgirl assured him, leading him over to the display shelves of inline-skating accessories while her colleague stumbled along, trying to recover from being left weak-kneed by the mental picture of the platinum-tressed lad's taut, bare bottom lashed by the very belts he had sold him yesterday.

"And cycling gloves," the customer was saying. "I also need a very well-padded pair of cycling gloves."

"Right this way, sir," said the girl, walking to the next section and helping him pick out an expensive but very well-made pair of cycling gloves, packed with gel and foam, that would have seen even a professional road rider tackling Paris Roubaix comfortably over hundreds of miles of wrist-spraining, nerve-rattling cobblestone torture.

"Terrific," the customer grinned in a paradoxically grim fashion as he paid up, muttering almost as much to himself as to his pair of rapt listeners. "These should take some of the discomfort out of it. The bastard's developed a freaking taste for it overnight, and it's hell on my hands and knees. So much for 'just once round the forest'. _And_ I still have no idea what those bloody mutts find so great about it!"

"Sir...?" the girl began uncertainly, unable to understand any part at all of his rant. "Is there anything else you would like for today?"

"No, I don't think so. Not unless your pharmaceutical section sells any sedatives that would knock out a creature the size of a family of woolly mammoths for several hours so he doesn't insist on going walkies?"

"Erm... I... don't think we would have anything of that description in our pharmacy."

"Didn't think so. Thanks anyway. I'll be back for more of these if they work well, cos I'm telling you they are gonna get _worn out_."

With that snarling declaration, he bagged his purchases and left.

"What was _that_ about?" the girl asked her co-worker.

"I can only speculate wildly, but the way he mentioned walkies and a large creature, it sounded like he was having dog-walking trouble," the man replied, still feeling soft in the knees.

"Oh, I'd love to go walkies with him, even if he is a bit strange," the girl sighed.

Sighing even more deeply, her colleague said: "I'd love to be his _dog_. But I guess the position's filled."

"Wouldn't you give your left arm to be his pooch, you closet masochist?"

"Yeah. Lucky dog."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inumaru101 drew a [picture](http://www.deviantart.com/art/Going-For-Walkies-373252084) of Sesshomaru going walkies.


	11. Notice, Notice!

"WHERE are all my T-shirts?" Inuyasha demanded, stomping out to the living room in a temper.

"Your T-shirts are neatly folded in a colour-coordinated stack on the middle shelf of your wardrobe," Sesshomaru replied, not looking up from his newspaper.

"I'm not referring to those absurdly new things so fresh from the shop that I can still smell the department store's air-conditioning on them," Inuyasha growled. "I'm talking about the T-shirts I like to lounge around the house in – the _comfortable_ ones."

"You mean the ones completely pulled out of shape, with holes in them, threadbare seams, overstretched necklines and discoloured fabric?" Sesshomaru asked. "I've sent those rags to the recycling centre – which found them almost beyond recycling, incidentally."

"WHAT?"

"They were pieces of junk. I will not have my brother lounging around in scraps fit for the garbage pile, even when he is at home. I've bought you some very nice replacements, so that you will look presentable at home whenever you are clothed. When you are _un_ clothed, of course, I never have complaints about your appearance."

"You had no right to give away my favourite clothes!" Inuyasha yelled.

"I have the right not to injure my eyes by having to look upon such aesthetically offensive clothing daily."

"I've had it with you!" the half-demon shouted before stomping back to the bedroom, where he selected a red T-shirt from the new pile and began stretching, pulling, stomping on and rolling about in it until he felt that it was reasonably subdued into his idea of what a T-shirt ought to feel like.

Even so, he was mightily displeased, and set about showing it.

***

Sesshomaru knew better than to think that all would be well, or that there would be no repercussions.

He imagined that Inuyasha might move back into the guest room, or perhaps to their waterfront property, whose rebuilding after being destroyed in a hailstorm of adamant shards was almost complete. Or that he would try to beat him up or shred his designer pyjamas in retaliation.

What his half-demon sibling really did, however, was nothing he had foreseen.

It started the very next day, with phone calls to his personal mobile phone from complete strangers asking odd questions about something "fluffy", with several of the callers ranting and raving, accusing him of all sorts of acts of abuse. He growled at every one of the callers and told them they had the wrong number, finally switching off the phone when the calls kept coming.

At the end of the day, he walked home. As his regular office was not far from their city apartment, he did not usually drive to or from the place where he oversaw his sprawling business empire under the name of Daitaro Souga. It was the latest in a chain of assumed identities, each of which willed everything he owned to the next identity on the line, after a decent interval within the space of a normal human lifespan.

So as usual, he strode along the street towards their apartment block that evening, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw exactly what Inuyasha had done.

The brat had put up a notice on just about every lamppost along that street, and even the next street, going by what Sesshomaru's dog-demon vision could see hundreds of metres away.

The notice read:

 **DOG FOR URGENT ADOPTION** **  
Name:** Fluffy  
 **Breed:** Probably Spitz-type, but mainly demonic in nature.  
 **Sex:** Male, though you wouldn't think it to see his pretty widdle face.  
 **Age:** Undetermined. But a really ancient dog with a stuffy character and bad attitude!  
 **Colour:** White  
 **Size:** Gigantic  
 **Vaccination details:** If you want to give him one, be my guest.  
 **Neutering status:** Clearly unneutered, thinks he's a real stud, but could do with having a ball or two cut off.  
 **Health:** Excessively fit and healthy. Won't die even if you feed him poison (I would know, I've tried). I also lamed him once in his left front leg, but he has fully recovered, the bastard.  
 **Reasons for giving up dog:** Where do I start? Let's see: destroys my wardrobe, melts down doors with venomous claws, constantly humps my leg (and a hell of a lot more), has no respect for bathroom space and privacy, is always horny, tries to make me drink out of the toilet, spent years trying to kill me, but now can't get enough of whipping my naked ass… is that a long enough list of reasons?  
 **Other important information:** This creature will kill at the slightest provocation. Highly unsuitable for regular families seeking a docile companion (but has a soft spot for little girls who've been half-eaten by wolves). An Alpha dog who will totally boss you around, and eat you up and spit you out if you don't do as he tells you.  
 **Contact details:** Anyone STUPID and SUICIDAL enough to adopt this hound from hell, call Mr Daitaro Souga any time of night or day at 9876543210.

The notice even included an unclear photograph of Sesshomaru in his full-dog form, but with the background photoshopped into a blur so that one had no point of reference for what size he really was, and printed out in black and white so you couldn't see that his blazing eyes were a glowing red.

Sesshomaru ripped the notice off the lamppost he had stopped at, and crumpled it into a ball in his fist. He stalked up and down two streets, ripping every one of those notices off every lamppost he passed.

He then stormed into their apartment building, glowered and growled all the way up in the lift, and threw open their penthouse front door to find that Inuyasha was out.

Well.

Fine.

If the overgrown child wanted to play this way, he could bite right back.

***

Inuyasha had anticipated that Sesshomaru might make a tit-for-tat move, and was ready with a host of smart comeback lines for any callers that might ring his phone asking to adopt him. But no calls came during the two days that he spent in a five-star hotel room, having a ball of a time with endless room service – all charged to his brother's platinum credit card – and grinding everyone into the dust at the gym.

Eventually, he stole back towards the apartment early on the third morning, keeping his eyes peeled for notices pasted up on lampposts – although such a hands-on, unsophisticated method was not really Sesshomaru's style.

Unless, of course, he had paid someone else to put up the notices for him.

No. Nothing. Not a flyer in sight.

As he walked up the road, however, his phone rang. Ah-ha. This had to be it.

Not bothering to check the caller's identity on the screen, since he was fully expecting it to be a stranger, Inuyasha flipped his phone open and answered with a cheery "Hello", only to be greeted by Shippo's familiar cackle – although it was now a grown-up version of the high-pitched shrieks of laughter that he had emitted as a child.

"Ha ha ha ha ha _HA_!" the fox demon roared. "You guys are a SCREAM!"

"Shippo?" he asked. "What are you cackling about?"

But all his foxy friend could manage was a "Hehehehe _he_!" before ending the call.

"All right, what's he done?" Inuyasha muttered aloud to himself.

Before he could get halfway down the street, his phone rang again. This time, he checked the screen and saw that it was Koga.

"What?" he snapped by way of answering the call.

"AhahahahahaHA!" Koga laughed. "The two of you kill me. You really kill me! So can I have the beef? I'd love the beef!"

"HUH?" Inuyasha demanded. "What are you going on about, you hollow-skulled moron?"

Koga wouldn't tell him either, and Inuyasha was starting to worry.

By the time he was almost at the main entrance to their apartment complex, another call came in.

"Yes, Jinenji?" Inuyasha sighed with resignation, pretty much expecting what was coming.

The enormous, gentle half-demon, who would have had nothing but a lonely life to look forward to from the time his human mother had died, had been taken into Inuyasha's circle and protected over the centuries. As the times moved on, and humans completely dominated the earth, life became easier for him once he learnt from Sesshomaru's mother spells that would disguise him as a human being whenever he was out in public – albeit with a rather hulking and Neanderthalish appearance. He was no less gentle now, and no less inarticulate, but even _he_ was ringing Inuyasha up with a deep, soft "Heh heh heh heh heh".

"Jinenji, if you have ever treasured our friendship, you will tell me _now_ what that asshole brother of mine has done!" Inuyasha growled.

And Jinenji was nice enough to drop a big hint in his kind voice: "Have you opened a newspaper today? _Any_ newspaper."

Scowling deeply and whipping around in the middle of the street to head for the nearest newsstand, Inuyasha was almost at the shops when yet another call came in.

"Yes, _Mother_?" he said weakly. That was what Sesshomaru's mother had encouraged Inuyasha to call her ever since she had decided a few centuries ago that he was a darling and a more than good enough partner for her son.

"Oh Inuyasha," came her tinkling, silky tones over the line. "Have you two had _another_ fight?"

"Yes, Mother. And yes, I know I really should open a newspaper right now."

"You certainly should," she replied lightly, signing off with a "Goodbye" that turned into what sounded suspiciously like a giggle.

Inuyasha reached the newsstand, bought the broadsheet that Sesshomaru normally read, and flipped through it until he found what he was supposed to be looking for. His face reddened, and his magic spell to conceal his ears almost dissipated under the force of his growing fury and embarrassment, till he had to control himself before those furry triangles popped out of his hair.

That bloody Sesshomaru had spent tens of thousands of dollars taking out a full-page, full-colour advertisement dominated by a large picture of Inuyasha shot from the back, and only from the head up, so that all one could see was the silky mane of silver hair capped by that prominent pair of dog ears. It looked for all the world like the head of a real dog, viewed from behind.

The large headline and the rest of the copy read:

  
 **HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DOG?**  
 **Answers to the name:** Inuyasha  
 **Sex:** Male, unneutered.  
I am, however, seriously considering changing his sterilisation status.

 **Age:** He will always be a puppy to me.  
Let no one make the mistake of misreading that as an expression of affection. At present, I am in no mood to express affection to him. I state that he will always be a puppy to me because he ought to know by now who his alpha is, and who outranks whom.

 **Breed:** Mixed.  
Though at this point in time, I am more inclined to term him a mongrel.  
Should you be puzzled by the odd picture, please know that it is a perfectly accurate picture, as a rear view is normally all that one gets to see of him whenever he loses his temper and flounces out of the home.

 **If you have seen him:  
** But no, of course you won't have seen him.  
If he wanted to be found, he would have shown up by now, the rebellious brat.  
Nonetheless, if those of our circle have seen him, I request that they ring the usual number to inform any one of the puppy's three alter-egos that he is somewhat missed, and that if he does not wish to be my _bitch_ for the remainder of his long life, he had better haul his still-male puppy-ass back to my side without my having to whistle for him, sniff him out or track him down. A good dog should come even before he is called.

 **Final note:  
** There will be no reward for his return, as none is warranted.  
However, if anyone has stolen him and is keeping him against his will, be assured that you will be hunted down and slaughtered by inches.  
If Inuyasha comes back today, he can have his favourite chilled wagyu beef, which is waiting for him in the refrigerator.  
If he does not, the beef gets shipped to Koga.

***

Inuyasha's phone rang once he had finished reading the ad, crushed up the newspaper and stomped up and down on the sheets on the pavement.

"Well?" came a deep, silky smooth voice over the phone.

"Bastard," he snapped.

"Your juvenile idea of revenge was just as cheeky."

"I don't know why I bother with you."

"Neither do I. I'm already doing the equivalent of whistling for you, so what is it to be?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"While you're thinking, you may wish to know that I didn't throw away _all_ your T-shirts."

"Oh?"

"The one with the blue kitty pawprints all over it is still concealed in a location I will reveal to you if you come back at once."

"No neutering."

"No neutering."

"Koga gets no beef."

"Koga gets no beef. It's all yours."

"And you won't cut off my balls even though I shredded your new Brooks Brothers suit after I collected it from the dry cleaner's last evening."

There was a silence over the line, finally broken after a few tense seconds by a low growl: "Inuyasha…"

"Oooh, I should have mentioned that _after_ I ate the beef, shouldn't I? So… ooooo-kay… erm… I guess it's bye for now! Be back in another century or so…"

The line went dead, and the missing puppy hot-footed it up the street, already feeling the breath of the designer-clad hound from hell on the hairs of his neck.

 


	12. Barking Orders

Dear Woman Who Always Wears the Hideous Organic Cotton Floral-print Nighties,

Your dog has brought it to our attention that you have been feeding him a purely vegetarian diet. We don't know if you are totally evil or merely ignorant, but for the sake of all that is sacred in the canine universe, have some sense.

Dogs eat meat, okay? M – E – A – T. Never mind what those companies that manufacture vegetarian dog food say – your pooch needs to sink its teeth into some flesh, and it's starting to look hungrily at your chubby thighs.

If you want to stuff your belly with tofu, mushrooms, beans and greens, that's your prerogative. But trying to do the same to your dog is the most idiotic thing you could do. (I tried "going veg" with Kagome once and nearly fainted from hunger after two weeks.)

So stop trying to save the animals and save the earth and think about saving the actual animal living in your house right now, dammit.

Yours Meatily,  
Chief Steak Consumer of The Dog Defence Force

***

Dear Man with the Bad Breath,

Your bitch has informed us that you have plans to mate it to a hideous dog for the express purpose of making puppies you can show and sell.

Dude, humans don't know shit about what makes a dog attractive, okay? Leave it to the dogs themselves to determine such matters.

Let your bitch choose, or we'll dog-nap her and let her pick her own boyfriend. How would _you_ like to be told whom you're allowed to have sex with, you selfish creep? Hey, come to think of it, that's a great idea – here's the deal: if you allow this horrendous act of sanctioned rape to go ahead, we will abduct you and lock you in a spell-reinforced room with one of Ryukotsusei's nookie-deprived great-great-granddaughters for the next 100 years.

Trust us when we say that good looks and sanity do _NOT_ run in that scaly family.

Yours Angrily,  
Hottest Stud of The Dog Defence Force

***

Dear Stinky Schoolboy,

STOP USING YOUR DOBERMANN AS A MANNEQUIN.

He hates the stupid bikinis, sunglasses and nail polish, and thinks it is humiliating that you are putting the pictures you take of him dressed like that up on the Internet.

This is your only and final warning, before we pick you up in our clawed hands and stuff you into a corset, high heels and my mate's mother's lacy panties (you're two sizes bigger than her but the knickers WILL fit), tie you to the lamppost in front of your school on Seventh Street (yes, we know where you go to school), and leave you there till the bell rings in the morning so all your classmates can get a good look at you.

We'd love to see the pics and vids they'll post online.

Catch you later,  
Superhero of The Dog Defence Force

***

Yo, Miss Airhead,

Your Chihuahua hates the stench of your handbag. It makes her want to pass out every time you put her in it. She says it stinks of stale make-up, traces of pepper spray, spilt perfume and the battery fluid that leaked from your ten-year-old Rampant Rabbit vibrator. Bloody hell, a mix like that probably smells worse than Naraku's toilet.

Listen, she doesn't mind being put into a handbag as much as she minds the smells. She suggests using the old black-leather one you put away two winters ago and never used again – apparently it doesn't stink so bad because you only ever used it on your pet-store runs.

Spare the little one's nose, okay?

Yours Sniffily,  
The Brains and Nose of The Dog Defence Force

***

Dear Grandmotherly-type Lady with the Purple Shoes,

To answer the questions you ask your dog every day:

Yes, he knows he is the cutest poochie-woochie in the whole wide world.

No, he doesn't think you look fat in that yellow dress (although he's not absolutely certain that it isn't green, as he doesn't see colours the same way you do).

No, he doesn't mind eating lamb every Saturday, but he'd like beef more often if you can manage it.

Yes, he hates your perfume.

And yes, he ate the budgie. He wants you to know that he's really sorry and feels truly guilty about it now, but he couldn't resist at the time. He hopes you won't hold it against him, and so do we (those damn birds are so bloody tasty, you can't just leave them lying around and expect us not to gobble them up, you know).

Yours Sincerely,  
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Dog Defence Force

***

Dear Person Who Constantly Smells of Hamburgers,

We do not normally issue communiqués on behalf of cats, but we are making a rare exception as the cat in question is a good friend of Buyo's, and an acquaintance of one of our fire-neko companions.

Your cat wants us to tell you that its true name, bestowed upon it by its parents, is He Who Sings To The Night Sky, and not "Kitchee-Kitten-Boy".

Please address it with the proper title and all due respect, or it will call for our buddy Kirara to visit you in her full-sized form.

Believe us, you won't like that.

Yours Sympathetically,  
Cat Befriender of The Dog Defence Force

***

Memo to the Second-in-Command of the Dog Defence Force:

Stop terrorising the neighbourhood with semi-anonymous letters signed off with absurdly self-aggrandising titles and get your ass home now, before I bundle you into a parcel and mail you back down the well to the Feudal Era.

Don't think I can't track your whereabouts through the liberal use you are making of my platinum credit card.

Signed,  
The Dog General


	13. Tail Of A Time

Inuyasha curled up in the mokomoko, on the sofa, watching a television documentary about pond life, which made him feel bored and sleepy. As he dozed off, he was vaguely aware of Sesshomaru quietly getting up and leaving the sitting room to take a business call on his mobile phone. But he didn't need his mokomoko around him just to take a phone call, so Inuyasha only shifted into a more comfortable position and kept his eyes closed.

He was jolly well going to keep hogging the luxuriant fur on this dreary winter afternoon. The taiyoukai had been very accommodating ever since he had agreed to return home after staying well away during their last two spats, and part of the pampering had involved letting him nap with the mokomoko wrapped around him whenever he liked.

The fur was so comfortable, and _so_ perfect…

But the pond documentary had ended, and the hanyou's ears soon flicked as they picked up the commentary for the next show. It was about wolves. He listened to the sounds of the howling and to the description of the family of wolves featured. His eyelids opened a crack when the programme began to show a hunt in progress, and those wide golden eyes were fully open by the time the final kill came, as the pack brought a reindeer down.

Yum. It was making him feel hungry. He groped for a tin of biscuits on the side table and started munching. Not quite the same as pouncing on a reindeer, but it would do for now.

This next segment of the documentary was also interesting, with the presenter going into some detail about how dogs and wolves were very similar, with a few differences in the frequency of certain behaviours, and the age at which such behaviours might stop in one species and continue in another.

Dogs, the presenter was saying, retained puppyish characteristics all through life, while wolves grew out of them. Hah. Right. As if Koga would ever grow more mature than Sesshomaru even if you gave him three thousand more years. Such rubbish.

Some behaviours were apparently more commonly observed in adult dogs than in adult wolves, like tail-chasing. A sequence showing a Border Collie whirling round and round in mad circles after its own tail came onto the screen, and Inuyasha watched, fascinated.

Mmm. Tail-chasing. Of course he'd seen dogs do it before, but it looked particularly good on the television screen, and an activity like that would probably be fun on a day such as this.

Except that Inuyasha didn't have a tail.

Sesshomaru did, in his dog shape, but the hanyou didn't remember ever seeing his brother chase his own tail. Damn. If only he had a tail.

Ahhh… but he _did_ have the mokomoko…

With that idea fresh in his head, Inuyasha sprang to his feet, curled his brother's fur round and round and round himself until he looked like a puffy yeti, leaving only about two feet of one end trailing. Then, with a bit of difficulty because the rolls of fur made him feel so fat, he got down on all fours and started jumping around in a tight circle, picking up momentum till the mokomoko's loose end started to fly towards his face.

Snap! Snap! Bite! Snap! Nip! Crunch!

Ooh! Just managed to get a tiny mouthful of fur! Spit! Spit!

Snap! Bite!

A little more fur! *ptooi!* Cough, cough, spit!

Gee, this was fun!

Snap! Bite! Snap!

***

Sesshomaru ended the call at last, feeling rather annoyed about having taken it at all. Such a small matter it turned out to be in the end. Was it really necessary to bother him with it, and take him away for half-an-hour from Inuyasha, who looked so cuddly when he was sleeping curled up in his alpha's fur?

The lad had only just agreed to come home a week ago, after more than ten days on the run as a consequence of their last two spats. To lure him home, Sesshomaru had promised to grow a sense of humour, and had in turn extracted from Inuyasha a promise to behave in a slightly more grown-up way.

Hmm, but the boy did look so perfectly, childishly _cute_ while asleep.

Sesshomaru moved quietly towards the living area, carefully opening the door leading out from the room he used as an office at home, hoping not to wake Inuyasha up. But when he opened the door a crack, he saw that Inuyasha was already wide awake. In fact, he was _more_ than wide awake. He was prancing on all fours in a circle. Snapping. At. The. Mokomoko.

 _SNAPPING_ at MOKOMOKO-SAMA.

Sesshomaru threw the door open and stood in the doorway, glaring at Inuyasha, who spotted him mid-turn and froze there on the floor like a giant snowball, with one end of the mokomoko in his jaws.

"Ohflook I'f caughffft ift atf laft!" was the triumphant, incomprehensible babble from the hanyou's fur-filled mouth – an excited cry which only left more drool on the mokomoko.

"What in the name of all the kami still in existence are you doing with my fur?" Sesshomaru demanded.

" _Pthooi!_ " was what Inuyasha said next as he spat the fur out in a hurry so that he could talk properly. "Uhm… I was… chasing it…?"

"With your mouth?" Sesshomaru asked. "Snapping at my fur and biting it and leaving saliva all over it and then spitting it out?"

"Well, I…" Inuyasha began, ears drooping. "I was… trying to find out what it was like to have a tail to chase."

The hanyou looked so pouty, and his ears went down so much, that Sesshomaru relented in record time. He walked up to Inuyasha, sniffed at the drool-slathered end of his fur, and remarked: "I suppose you _would_ wonder about that, as you've never taken a full dog form."

"It's not fair," Inuyasha grumbled. "You get to be a dog, tail and all, whenever you like."

"Mmm," Sesshomaru considered the matter. "Maybe I could put one of those dildos up you with a horse tail attached to it or something…"

"Hey, no more weird stuff up my butt!" Inuyasha objected. "Remember the devil of a time we had getting that bloody sake bottle out of my arse back in 1890?"

"All right, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru sighed. "I'll let you use the mokomoko whenever you feel an urge to chase a fake tail, although why you would ever feel that urge baffles me."

"Haven't you ever chased your tail?" Inuyasha asked curiously, unwrapping the fur.

"Of course not. What an undignified thing to do."

"Not even when you were a puppy?"

"No."

"But if you've never tried it, how would you know?" Inuyasha persisted.

"It simply isn't the kind of thing that would appeal to me."

"But you've never _tried!_ "

"There's no need for me to try kissing Koga's ass for me to be very sure that I won't like it."

"Well that goes without saying – we're talking about _Koga's_ butt here. Blech. Tail-chasing's something else. Come on, give it a bash. Right here. The living room's just about big enough for you to make a tight circle if we move the furniture out of the way."

"Hmm, it might _just_ hold my dog form."

"Okay, we're on! Let's shift the furniture into the rooms!"

They lifted the coffee table, sofa, armchairs, television set, sound system, the massive boulder which sat in the corner ostensibly as a conversation piece but which was actually their claw-sharpener, the expensive ornaments, the bookshelves, the spare dining table set and all the other breakable furnishings into the bedrooms with ease as their demon strength made it a breeze. Then they put strong magic spells on the walls, windows and doors so that Sesshomaru's whirling around wouldn't blow the penthouse to pieces like a shack torn apart by a hurricane.

Sesshomaru took his fur back from Inuyasha and draped it around his shoulders, and the mokomoko transformed into the ruff that adorned his enormous neck when he morphed into his dog shape. In that form, he was a massive thing larger than any other furry living mammal that still walked the face of the earth.

"Go on, try it!" Inuyasha called up to him from a safe corner of the room.

 _Very well, but I'm sure I won't like it,_ came Sesshomaru's growly reply in his inu tongue.

The great white dog started to turn, and turn, and turn, till his feathery tail was flying in the breeze, then he began in earnest to try and catch it. But try and try as he might, the tip of that fluffy appendage remained maddeningly just out of reach.

He stopped abruptly, huffed, and stated: _This is stupid._

"Ha! You don't like it only because you can't do it, can you?" Inuyasha snorted. "Catching your tail while prancing around isn't quite the same as lying down and nibbling it while grooming, huh?"

 _Of course I can do it,_ Sesshomaru growled stiffly.

"Go on, then!"

"Grrrr," came the reply, followed by another round of such determined tail-chasing that it felt like a tornado was being whipped up right there on the spot.

SNAP! BITE! SNAP! LUNGE! went the taiyoukai, while the tail danced away tantalisingly, inches from his nose.

"Come on!" Inuyasha cheered him on. "You just need to master the technique!"

SNAP! BITE! SNAP! LUNGE! Sesshomaru went again, but the elusive tail refused to be caught.

When Inuyasha started getting giddy from watching him spin, and breathless at the same time from trying not to kill himself laughing, he finally gasped: "Okay, okay, stop already! Just accept that you can't do it!"

 _I – refuse – to – give – up – because – there – is – nothing – I – cannot – do!_ Sesshomaru panted back in a temper, without losing his focus on the tail.

"Look, some dogs never succeed in catching their tails, so give it up!" Inuyasha called, laughing so hard at the ridiculous sight before him that his stomach hurt.

 _No._

"Oh, come on – maybe your tail's just too short, or your body's too short, or… look, maybe I can get a better feel of it if I'm chasing it with you. Just keep going – I'll jump up onto your head."

Inuyasha took a carefully timed leap and sprang into the top of Sesshomaru's head while he continued to whirl round and round. Crawling so that he was stretched out over the top of his great head and his muzzle, Inuyasha began snapping at the tail himself.

"Arch your body a bit more – you're obviously getting too fat in these comfortable times to be flexible – come on, come on – almost there! One more lunge!"

SNAP!

With a determined curve of his great body, Sesshomaru finally closed his mouth over the tip of his tail, taking care not to bite down hard. At the same moment, Inuyasha also chomped down on a mouthful of tail hairs.

"Fwoopee! Fyou fdid if!" the hanyou said gleefully.

 _Very well, but now what?_ Sesshomaru growled.

"What do you mean now what?" Inuyasha asked, releasing the mouthful of hair.

 _Now what that I've caught my tail?_

"Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure what dogs are supposed to do after they've caught their tails."

Sesshomaru transformed so quickly back into his two-legged shape that Inuyasha was left to fall through empty air onto the floor, landing on his backside with a thump.

"Hey! Ouch! Did you have to do that?" he protested, rubbing his bum.

"All that chasing, and you didn't know what I was supposed to do after catching the tail?" Sesshomaru demanded.

"Well, the documentary said that it's mostly juveniles who chase tails, and adults don't usually do it unless they're just playing, so there's no serious aim to it."

"I went through all that for no serious purpose?"

"No, no! There was some stuff I read a while back about the serious side of tail-chasing… uhm… oh yeah, now I remember! It was some news article saying that when adult dogs chase their tails obsessively, it could be a sign of emotional problems like anxiety or frustration –"

"I am neither anxious nor frustrated, which undoubtedly explains why I have never felt the need to chase my own tail before this."

"Or that they feel confined or trapped."

"I do not feel confined or trapped. We have obviously carried out this exercise to no end as it is clearly not a reflection of my mental and emotional state."

"It wasn't just about mental and emotional states. Adults who keep chasing their tails may also have fleas –"

"Which I do _not_ ," Sesshomaru stated irritably.

"– or they may have itchy anal glands, or high cholesterol levels… hey… maybe that's it – your sudden and newfound determination to catch your tail may be a sign of blocked anal glands, cos you can be really anal retentive at times – and the high cholesterol level makes sense too, after all that pickled dragon liver your mother's been feeding you. I mean, come on, you were obviously too plump to make a nice tight circle to really nip the tip of that fluffy tail. Getting a bit chubby round the ribs, huh?" Inuyasha guffawed.

"I am _not_ getting chubby. _You_ were the one who started me on that tail-chasing nonsense, not my cholesterol level, anal glands, or fleas!" Sesshomaru barked.

"Oh, stop glaring at me like that! You promised to grow a sense of humour!"

"How about if I grow a sense of humour while you grow your own tail, little brother?" the taiyoukai said with an evil smile.

"Erm… hey… just chill, Sesshomaru," Inuyasha murmured, backing away as he realised that it was time to prepare for another all-out battle to literally save his ass.

"You should have a _delicious_ tail to go with those puppy ears of yours," Sesshomaru remarked.

"Hands off me, you fat, anal-retentive, flea-bitten dog!" Inuyasha yelped. "There will be NO fake tails jammed into _this_ ass!"

"Where did we put that old sake bottle now…?"

Inuyasha turned tail and fled.


	14. Beware Of Dog

"Let's not go in there," Inuyasha muttered, as Sesshomaru was about to step into their usual grocery store.

"This is where we always shop," Sesshomaru stated logically.

"Look at that new sign up. It says 'No Dogs Allowed'," the half-demon scowled.

"It's not directed at _us_ ," the older brother reasoned. "No one in there knows we aren't human."

"I still don't like it. I avoid shops which put up signs like that. Either that, or I deliberately go in and scare them by barking at the managers if I'm in a prickly mood."

"You're always in a prickly mood."

"Yup, so I bark at a lot of managers. But I'm just pissed off with it today."

"Yasha, such signs only show that humans are so weak, they'll fall ill if they consume anything that a beast has so much as brushed against. They can't have dogs wandering around a grocery store licking the fruit. Others possibly put up those signs simply because they don't like dogs, or have customers who don't."

"It isn't nice," Inuyasha grumbled. "People shouldn't discriminate against other species."

"It's just a sign," Sesshomaru said.

"It's not _just_ a sign," Inuyasha responded. "It makes me feel unwelcome."

"Ignore it," Sesshomaru ordered, before walking into the store.

Inuyasha flipped a finger at the shiny new notice before following his brother in.

***

It was a sign of things of come. Literally a sign.

Sesshomaru sighed when he spotted the decal pasted inside the rear windscreen of his car the next morning. It read: "Dog On Board".

A sticky post-it note under the decal read in his brother's familiar scrawl: "It's just a sign."

It offended Sesshomaru's aesthetic sense to have a tacky decal on his sleek, black, spotless Jaguar, but Inuyasha was making a point by putting it up, and he, Sesshomaru, would make a point right back by ignoring it.

It was only a stupid sign, after all.

That was the way he saw it until he reached his company's headquarters, and found a bold aluminium plate with red lettering nailed onto the wooden door of his private office, complete with a hideous line-drawing of a jowly, drooling bulldog.

"BEWARE OF DOG", it read.

Sesshomaru growled under his breath before turning with deliberate calmness to his personal assistant, Mio.

"Ms Yamaguchi, was my brother here this morning?" he inquired.

"Oh yes, Mr Souga," she breathed nervously, knowing that the brothers were very close, but often had spectacular fights. She fervently hoped she wasn't in the crossfire of another war. "The younger Mr Souga came in very early today, to my surprise. He _never_ comes in. He hammered that into your door, then left. I thought he must have a private reason for doing it, and I didn't dare question him as he seemed to be in one of his moods..."

Sesshomaru glared at the sign. Did the lad really have to damage his exquisite office door with those nails? And of all the items Inuyasha could have chosen, he had to pick the tackiest, most badly made product, all uneven edges and cheap tooling poorly riveted to a rough block of wood – with a drawing of a dog that looked nothing like him. A bulldog? What an insult. He, Sesshomaru, was far more beautiful than a bulldog, or any dog.

But it was just a sign, wasn't it?

He huffed, entered his office, and shut the door firmly behind him.

Despite his outward dismissal of it, however, the sign irked him all day, every time he had to step out of and back into his room. He thought his tolerance of it commendable, and that he had done a very good job of proving that a sign was just a sign. Until it was time to go home.

As he was leaving his headquarters in the late afternoon, he spied another sign glued up on the main glass door leading to the lobby of the building.

"Guard Dog On Patrol", it said, with a snapshot of Sesshomaru's face pasted beside the lettering.

"Mr Keiji put that up about two hours ago, sir," the security officer said apologetically. "I asked him why he was doing it as we have no guard dogs here, but he said to mind my own business and not to bother you with it either."

Sesshomaru growled in a manner that the security officer thought extremely dog-like, as he tore the notice off the glass. It obviously did not improve the boss' temper to find the glass now stained by an unsightly smear of brown, half-dried glue where the poster had previously been.

"Get someone to clean that off," Sesshomaru ordered before stalking off to his car.

He dropped the sticky sign onto the floorboard of the passenger seat, turned to glare at the "Dog On Board" decal at the back, growled again, and drove off.

But there was to be no rest for him at home either, as he discovered when he stepped out of the elevator and saw the carved steel sign hung up on their apartment's front door.

This time, it said: "Caution! Dog On Premises!"

Sesshomaru pushed the door open and sniffed the air. His nose told him that Inuyasha was in, so he yelled: "Inuyasha!"

"What?" returned his brother calmly, strolling out of the kitchen with a beef-flavoured biscuit in his hand.

"How dare you hammer nails into my office door, and our front door, and leave ugly glue stains all over the glass front of our headquarters?"

"Oh... should I have hammered the nails into the glass and used glue on the wood instead?" Inuyasha asked, widening his eyes innocently. "I'm sorry. I'll remember to do that next time."

"There will be no next time!" Sesshomaru told him.

But Inuyasha only sauntered into the spare room and shut the door in Sesshomaru's face. Of course this door too had yet another sign on it: "Trespassers Will Be Eaten".

The taiyoukai's golden eyes narrowed, but he could tell that his brother was "in a mood", as Ms Yamaguchi had said, so he swung around and went off to the master bedroom – which mercifully had no sign on its door. As yet.

His temper held until he went to the bathroom, whereupon the sign that screamed out at him in loud lettering over the toilet read: "NO-DOG-POOP ZONE".

And it was _superglued_ to their nice new tiles.

"Inuyasha!" Sesshomaru roared.

Upon marching through the living room and throwing open the door of the spare room, he discovered that Inuyasha had slipped out of the apartment and gone off to goodness only knew where – probably to buy more signs.

The taiyoukai decided that there were only two things to do about this matter, and he was going to see to them immediately.

He picked up his house keys – as Inuyasha had trained him to do – and left the apartment.

***

Inuyasha tiptoed home very late in the night, prepared for war. But no sharp claws or poison whips awaited him. All that his nose told him was that Sesshomaru was in their bedroom, resting.

Not wanting to wake him, he slipped into the guest room and saw only one thing out of place in there: a sign lying on the middle of his bed, which read: "I HEART MY DOG".

He froze.

The taiyoukai was good at this. Really good. Because this was freaking him out.

The _complete_ and _utter_ weirdness of Sesshomaru "heart"-ing anything left Inuyasha sufficiently unnerved to decide that it would be best for them all if he simply removed the signs he had put up.

***

When Sesshomaru rose in the morning and left for work, all the signs that Inuyasha had been able to access were gone. Their apartment door, the guest-room door, his car, and his private office door were clear of what they had sported the day before.

He allowed himself a little smile. At least his first move had had some results. Naturally, neither brother said a word about the signs to the other when the elder got home later that day, and life seemed to go back to normal.

A day later, they went grocery shopping again, and Inuyasha was surprised to see that the "No Dogs Allowed" notice had been removed from the shop front.

"I agree that a sign is not always just a sign," Sesshomaru admitted.

"Oh?" Inuyasha asked suspiciously, wondering why Sesshomaru was being so humble about it.

"Yes. Are you pleased with the removal of the sign?"

"Uhm... are you saying that you got them to remove it? How the hell did you do that?"

"It was easy. I bought the store."

"You _what_?"

"You heard me."

"You bought the whole bloody grocery store just so you could tell them to remove the sign?"

"It's our favourite grocery store, isn't it? We like it because it sells the best produce, so I consider this a good business deal."

"You're nuts, you know that?" Inuyasha demanded.

"Well, a sign isn't just a sign, is it?" Sesshomaru remarked, leading his brother into their new shop to get the groceries they would need for the next few days before heading home.

It was only at home, after Inuyasha had finished unpacking the groceries, that he walked into the master bedroom to find the signs he had removed from the doors scattered all over the room. Sesshomaru was sitting on the edge of the big bed, with the "Dog On Board" decal on his lap.

"Uhm... what's this...?... aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" Inuyasha yelled as Sesshomaru unfurled his mokomoko at him in a lightning-fast move, trapped him in a neat coil of the fur, and yanked him smartly over his lap.

"You are now on board for a spanking, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru growled.

"Hey! You admitted you were wrong, you bastard! You said a sign wasn't just a sign!" Inuyasha howled.

"It's true – a sign isn't just a sign, and you were right about that, and I admit it. I apologise for my insensitivity. But THIS is for something different. THIS is for the fact that you've left NAIL HOLES in my VERY expensive office door _and_ our front door and guestroom door, and the cheap glue you used on the glass front of our headquarters WON'T COME OFF!"

"H-h-hey... I'll fill the holes in with putty..." he spluttered, struggling futilely against the mokomoko and the strength of his brother's left arm holding him down.

"Putty isn't wood," Sesshomaru stated flatly. "Now, Yasha, we will see how a sign isn't just a sign in more ways than one."

So saying, Sesshomaru picked up the hard, heavy "BEWARE OF DOG" sign, and spanked Inuyasha hard with it.

"OW!" the half-demon yelled. "That fucking hurts, you arrogant creep!"

"As well it should, as it's so bloody cheap, and the bulldog on it is so damned ugly," Sesshomaru growled, swinging the sign down again.

"AAAAGH! Bastard! I thought you said you 'heart' me!"

"I do, but I can STILL whip the hide off your puppy ass whenever you do something asinine like disfigure my custom-made oakwood door!" the taiyoukai responded, along with another blow.

"UGH! _You're_ the ass here!"

"I don't think so – it certainly isn't my ass on show right now."

"You're such a creep!"

"Hmm, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru purred, staying his hand for a moment. "You should have known, shouldn't you? _You_ were the one who put up the sign, so you ought to know very well to 'Beware Of Dog'. Especially _this_ dog!"

Inuyasha's rear end got acquainted with the "BEWARE OF DOG" notice in another crashing encounter.

"Well?" Sesshomaru asked when he was done. "Have I 'beaten the shit' out of you yet, to quote one of your favourite phrases?"

"Bastard," Inuyasha snapped, scrambling off his brother's lap, his butt as sore as it had ever been in this modern age.

"I'll take that as a yes. Now go plant your backside on this and cool it off."

Sesshomaru reached down to where he had placed an ice bucket beside the bed. He had stashed one of the signs in the ice, and now tossed the chilled piece of metal to Inuyasha. The half-demon caught it and stared at it.

"Very funny," he snarled at the taiyoukai.

Of course Sesshomaru had to choose _this_ one, after beating the _shit_ out of him.

It was the "NO-DOG-POOP ZONE" sign.

"You're a scream, you know that?" Inuyasha scowled.

"No shit," returned Sesshomaru, deadpan.

Inuyasha wisely shut up and cooled his ass on the cold metal.

He had seen the sign.


	15. Snow Dogs

"It's snowing, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru announced early in the morning.

"Really?" Inuyasha mumbled from under the covers, where he was feeling all comfortable and toasty.

In the old days, the half-demon had not liked winter much. The cold had made life miserable for his human friends, and even his own bare feet sometimes felt the chill when he had to be outdoors for days. Although the modern age had made things better, thanks to good footwear, indoor living and central heating, he still had no particular appreciation for winter.

"It looks like it will be coming down for a while," Sesshomaru observed, looking up into the sky. "By tonight, there should be quite a lot of snow on the ground."

"That's nice," Inuyasha muttered uninterestedly.

"Come on, Inuyasha, don't you like the snow?"

"Well... maybe we can make a snow dog again this year," Inuyasha suggested, perking up a bit, when he remembered the fun in the snow last Christmas.

"Why bother making one when you have one right here already?" Sesshomaru remarked, wrapping his snowy white limbs, mokomoko and hair all around Inuyasha.

"Because when I try to pummel _you_ into shape, you hit back," Inuyasha replied.

"So you'd rather pummel the snow instead?" Sesshomaru murmured. "Well, I suppose we can make a snow dog, especially with this much white stuff pouring from the sky," Sesshomaru said.

***

By evening, there was at least a foot of snow on the ground, and more was coming down. A few children with their parents, and some young couples, were already outdoors, building all kinds of snow-things within the garden-compound of the apartment complex. Some were even working on snowmen on the pedestrian sidewalks around the complex.

"Let's go!" Inuyasha said, heading out the door, only to be called back by Sesshomaru.

"Scarf, Yasha. And gloves," the elder brother reminded him.

"We don't need... oh."

"Yes – 'oh'," Sesshomaru echoed him. "We don't want to stick out too much, remember? We should try not to look too alien to the shivering humans we live among."

So they wrapped up sensibly in coats, scarves, woolly hats and gloves before going downstairs.

"Here's a free spot," Inuyasha called out to Sesshomaru, leading the way to one end of the garden. "Should be big enough for our snow dog."

"How big a dog are you planning to build?" Sesshomaru asked, casting an eye around the generous space they had.

"Oh, nothing too big – just your regular snowman-sized snow dog."

"What breed will we be doing this year? Last year's Afghan Hound didn't look that great."

"Let's try a Rottweiler this time," Inuyasha chirped. "One with a big snarl on its face."

"That's not very Christmassy," Sesshomaru remarked.

"Neither was the Afghan Hound frothing at the mouth. You and I don't celebrate Christmas anyway, so what's the big deal?"

"Hmm. All right."

So they started building their snow dog, first packing the slushier snow tight to form the torso, for they had agreed that a Rottweiler lying down Sphinx-like would be a better project than the overly challenging one of a standing dog.

"The torso's too long already," Sesshomaru said, standing back for a better look. "That's either going to be one enormous snow-Rottweiler, or we'll have to turn it into a Dachshund."

"We'll make it enormous," Inuyasha replied, continuing to pack the snow on tightly.

"I'll do the front legs," Sesshomaru offered, packing his handfuls of snow into two hard ridges that extended straight out from the enormous torso.

"Eh... the legs are too thin..." Inuyasha commented, stepping away from the snow dog for perspective. "It looks more like a headless, overweight, oversized Whippet."

"I'll make them bigger," Sesshomaru answered, packing on so much snow onto the ridges that Inuyasha frowned.

"The two legs have turned into a fat uni-leg," the younger brother complained.

"If you think you can do better, do it yourself. I'll shape the hind legs," Sesshomaru grumbled.

So Inuyasha set about dividing up the two ridges while Sesshomaru fashioned the thighs and hind paws of the dog.

After a few minutes, they both stepped back for a better look.

"Inuyasha, those things don't even look like legs any more," the taiyoukai said critically. "It looks like a headless dog impaled by two poles."

"And your hind legs look like something off a barbecued turkey."

They glared at each other before returning to the dog to scale down or size up whatever needed correcting.

"Who's going to work on the head?" Inuyasha asked after a while.

"You do it. I did the Afghan Hound's last year and you complained that it looked like a self-portrait – which it did _not_ – so I'm not making the head this year," Sesshomaru answered tersely.

"Fine. But you do the neck."

While Sesshomaru moulded some snow over one end of the torso to make a beefy, muscular neck, Inuyasha gathered a large lump of snow and packed the centre hard. After that, he rolled it about in the snow on the ground to increase its size. The half-demon then positioned the ball on the neck before carefully sculpting it to form the dog's facial features and ears.

Once every few minutes, he would glance doubtfully at Sesshomaru's work on the hindquarters and the stump of a tail.

When they both felt satisfied with their respective ends, they stood up and stepped back again. A few moments of tense silence were followed by Sesshomaru's tactless remark: "Inuyasha, it looks like a skewered snow pig."

"Does not," was Inuyasha's instinctive response.

"It does too."

"If you're so good at it, you fix it," Inuyasha snapped.

Sesshomaru promptly decapitated the pig, and started work afresh on another head, which he placed on the neck and shaped till he was happy with it.

"There you go," the taiyoukai pronounced. "Rottweiler."

"You've got to be kidding. That's not the head of a Rottweiler. That's the head of an orang utan wearing ear muffs."

"It is not an orang utan," Sesshomaru replied, offended.

"Well it looks like one from where I'm standing."

"Maybe you should stand somewhere else."

"Okay," said Inuyasha, changing position. "Oh, you're right – it doesn't look like an orang utan from here any more – now it looks like a tuskless walrus with headphones on."

Maybe we should each work on our own snow dog and see which one turns out better," Sesshomaru growled.

"Fine with me," Inuyasha snapped. "You go shape your own torso over there. I made _this_ one."

"Very well. I wouldn't want any of your unaesthetic features on my dog anyway."

"And I don't want yours on mine," Inuyasha declared, beheading the walrus-orang-utan hybrid and plonking the intact head down on the ground near where Sesshomaru was starting to build his own snow dog's torso. "You can reuse that, but I'm axing your turkey legs from my dog."

As Inuyasha retrieved the decapitated pig's head and worked on recycling it for use atop his snow torso, he noticed that Sesshomaru was building a particularly large base for his snow dog. To his annoyance, Sesshomaru's dog began to tower over his own even though both were lying down.

"Hey, keep your dog out of my dog's airspace," the half-demon growled.

"It's not my problem if your dog is stunted," Sesshomaru snapped.

"Stunted? Really?" Inuyasha snarled. "Well, watch this!"

It meant pinching off the pig's head again and sacrificing the front legs they had built earlier, but he now had the chance to alter the whole scale of his project. Soon, his dog's torso was as massive as Sesshomaru, and the two still-headless snow dogs were well positioned for confrontation, their torsos pointing towards each other.

With their demon strength and speed, the brothers packed on snow and yet more snow so solidly that the torsos of the two figures began to feel more like solid ice, and started to assume the scale of Ancient Egyptian mega-statuary.

Forgetting that they did not want to attract too much attention or stand out from the humans they were disguised as, their competition escalated until the rest of the people in the compound stopped work on their own snowball fights, snowmen and snow castles to stare in disbelief at the two massive figures taking shape at the bottom of the garden.

The heads of the pig and the orang utan-walrus cross were now too disproportionately small to be used on the gigantic torsos, so they were put aside on the ground like the remains of sacrificial offerings to the hulking dog gods hunkering over them.

The new heads soon went atop the new necks of the snow statues, with their makers having to leap onto the backs of their snow beasts to position the boulder-sized snowballs.

Chip, chip. Mould, mould. Hack, hack. Melt-and-shape, melt-and-shape. So went the contest, and before long, something that looked rather like a one-headed Cerberus was snarling into the face of what looked like Anubis gone rabid.

"See?" declared Inuyasha triumphantly. " _That's_ a Rottweiler! Yours looks nothing like one!"

"Yours does not look like a Rottweiler. It still looks like a demented pig. _I_ didn't like the idea of a Rottweiler to begin with, so I've built a statue of _myself_. This time it truly _is_ a self-portrait," Sesshomaru growled.

"Bullshit," Inuyasha snapped, glaring at the jackal-like creature. "It looks nothing like you. It looks like a prehistoric armadillo."

"Nonsense. I do not look like a prehistoric armadillo."

"Well, how about we ask the folk here to judge the snow dog and snow armadillo, huh?" Inuyasha said angrily. "Hey, you people – yeah, all of you staring with your mouths open – you tell us which one looks more like a dog!"

The people were starting to back away, for most of them were familiar with the prickly characters of the two notorious penthouse residents-cum-complex-owners, and dreaded their tantrums and fights.

"Uhm... I really couldn't say..." one woman was forced to mumble, after being cornered by Inuyasha.

"I'm not a very good judge of snow figures," said another person.

"I, er, know nothing about dogs."

"Well, I guess they both look rather like dogs... after a fashion..." someone ventured haltingly.

Inuyasha pounced on the man who had said that, and pressed him for more. "Come on," said the half-demon. "You can do better than that. Let's have an honest opinion."

"Honestly?" the man said, with a quaver in his voice.

"Yes, _honestly_ ," Sesshomaru said threateningly.

"I... uh... well, I think... they're really unbelievably _big_..."

" _And?_ " Inuyasha prompted.

"And they really... you know... it's just that they... well, they're really just..."

"Just what?" Sesshomaru asked.

"They're really just... kind of... scary."

An icy silence fell over all the people gathered in the garden.

"They're scary?" Inuyasha finally asked.

"Um, yes, in my opinion," whispered the man, before sidling away, accompanied by everyone else scurrying after him before fire and brimstone hailed down on them all.

Left alone in their corner of the garden, the two brothers walked up to their masterpieces and stared up at them.

"Isn't scary good?" Inuyasha mused aloud.

"I would think so," Sesshomaru agreed. "Scary helps you survive like nothing else does."

"Though yours still looks like an armadillo on steroids."

"And yours still looks like a crazed pig."

"It is _not a pig_ ," Inuyasha said emphatically, scooping up a handful of snow and mashing it onto the top of Sesshomaru's head.

Sesshomaru replied by also scooping up a handful of snow, packing it tight, and sending it whizzing at Inuyasha.

"Missed!" Inuyasha shouted gleefully, dancing under his own snow dog, until his brother's second snowball smashed right into his face.

The snowball fight then went into full swing, but finally, Sesshomaru lost his temper, strode menacingly through the hailstorm of chilly missiles, picked up the smaller pig's head from the first snow-dog round, and dumped it over Inuyasha's head.

Inuyasha retaliated by doing the same to him with the bowling ball-sized walrus-orang-utan head.

"You miserable, overgrown..." Inuyasha began to growl, only to taper off as he and Sesshomaru heard an ominous creak above them.

They looked up just as the great heads of the two snow beasts they had built, creaking under their own weight and poorly balanced on the misshapen necks under them, cracked at their bases and smashed right over both of them.

Inuyasha gasped as the boulder of snow shattered over him, and when it was over, he muttered a quiet "Ow".

Sesshomaru was too dignified to say "Ow" from beneath the remains of his own boulder-sized head, but he found the experience as unpleasant as his brother did.

They both growled at the snow and at each other, then stomped back to their apartment, taking two separate routes and meeting again at the front door.

***

The frosty silence thawed a little over dinner, mostly because one of the many companies that considered them their best clients had sent over a massive hunk of roast prime rib as a Christmas present.

They ate two thick slices of it in a fairly peaceable silence, rose from the table when they were done, and went about their own after-dinner routines. As Sesshomaru settled down in the living room with a good book, Inuyasha came out of the kitchen bearing spoons and a dish of something.

"This is dessert," the half-demon stated.

When he placed it on the coffee table, it proved to be a perfectly round ball of snow from downstairs, decorated with adzuki beans and chocolate fudge to make a face, complete with eyes, ears, nose and whiskers.

"Now _that's_ a Rottweiler," Inuyasha declared defiantly.

Sesshomaru's hackles rose for a second, before the sensible part of his nature thought better of starting yet another fight. He calmed himself, then simply picked up his spoon quietly at the same time as Inuyasha picked his up, and replied: "Yes, it is."

They ate the snow dog, and went to bed.


	16. Roll Over, Sesshomaru

It was one of Sesshomaru's deep-sleep nights, which he sank into once a week on average. On other nights, he either slept very lightly, or did not sleep at all, choosing to lie in bed and enjoy being close to his half-demon brother, who invariably slumbered soundly.

On deep-sleep nights, however, he rested as thoroughly as Inuyasha did.

Thus, he was barely conscious when Inuyasha settled in beside him after a trip to the loo, and he felt a tug at the blanket trapped under his body.

"Roll over, Sesshomaru," Inuyasha whispered into the taiyoukai's ear, the hint of a smile in his voice.

Somewhere in the back of the dog demon's sleepy mind, he found Inuyasha's choice of words odd, but he thought little of it as he moved over to make more room for the half-demon.

***

By the time they woke up in the morning, he had almost forgotten it. He would have put it away for good if Inuyasha had not done something else odd at breakfast. The half-demon was already seated at the table they used for their morning meals, and Sesshomaru was just about to slide into his seat when Inuyasha said: "Sit."

"That is exactly what I was about to do, Inuyasha," the taiyoukai remarked, giving the lad a suspicious look.

"Oh, good, so we agree."

"Hmm," he murmured as he buttered his toast, choosing to focus on breakfast instead of thinking too much about yet another aspect of his sibling's occasionally peculiar behaviour.

***

At mid-morning, when the intercom buzzed as they were expecting a delivery of dog food, Inuyasha sprang to his feet to open the door, telling Sesshomaru: "Stay."

The taiyoukai held his tongue while the pet-store delivery guy unloaded the packs into their apartment. But once the man was gone, he rumbled: "Inuyasha, just what are you playing at?"

"Playing at? Whatever do you mean?" the hanyou asked innocently as he pulled off the cap he had used to hide his ears from the man, and hauled the bags into the kitchen.

"You are addressing me in a most bizarre fashion."

"Am I? Why do you say that?"

"Do you imagine that I cannot tell you are speaking to me as you would a dog?"

"Well, we are dogs, aren't we?" Inuyasha said cheerfully. "Come on, big puppy, don't be hypersensitive. We're brothers, mates and friends. Let's shake hands."

Sesshomaru glowered at Inuyasha. "We have always bowed to each other. We do not shake hands."

"Oh, come on, you shake hands with your foreign business associates."

"Whom I see as little of as possible."

"You'll shake hands with them but not with me?" Inuyasha asked, making his ears droop.

Sesshomaru relented and extended a hand reluctantly.

They shook.

***

"I'll be in the bathroom," Sesshomaru announced, rising from the sofa and disappearing into the master bedroom. He entered the bathroom, but did not fully lock the door. He undressed and stepped into the shower, where he turned the flow of water on. However, he did not stand under the falling water. Instead, he waited until he heard Inuyasha tiptoe up to the door, listen for a while and tiptoe away.

Then, leaving the hot water running, Sesshomaru slipped on a bathrobe and soundlessly pulled the unlocked bathroom door open. His sharp ears could already pick up Inuyasha's muffled voice even above the sound of falling water – the lad was obviously speaking to someone over the phone, in the living room.

"It's safe to talk now – he's in the shower," Inuyasha was saying.

Sesshomaru continued moving in complete silence through the master bedroom and the passageway outside it, until he was standing just beyond the living room, just out of Inuyasha's sight, with his scent and aura concealed.

" _So,_ Koga, as I was saying," Inuyasha continued smugly into his mobile. "I win the bet."

Some frustrated wolf-sounds came through the phone which Sesshomaru did not care to decipher.

Inuyasha replied to the jumbled noises by saying: "Oh _yes_ , I did. You bet that I couldn't, but so far I've already got him to roll over, sit, stay and shake hands. So you lose, I win, and you are paying me fifty bucks for that. All I have to do now to win the further bonus of lunch on you for a week is to get him to beg and play dead."

Something that sounded like _"You bloody mangy mutt..."_ came over the line, but Sesshomaru did not wait to hear what Inuyasha would say in response. The taiyoukai simply stepped out into the living room and glared at Inuyasha through eyes that glinted menacingly.

"Oh, shit," Inuyasha mumbled, blanching. "Shit, he's here... um, Koga, it may be a while before you hear from me again."

And the next thing that Koga heard from his end of the phone connection was a series of loud noises which suggested large pieces of furniture being knocked over, and a host of growls, yelps and yells, not least of which was Inuyasha howling: "No, no, no... don't come any closer... Sessh, if you want a piece of this ass ever again, you'd better not – hey, hey don't you... AAAAAAGH! Are you trying to KILL me? No – down boy, down – BLOODY HELL, you're really going to have to BEG me for nookie after this... no – keep away – KEEP AWAY – back off, boy – play dead – BANG! I said BANG! Just lie down and roll over... no... no... no teeth, DAMN IT –"

At that point, the line went dead, and Koga could do little more than put his phone back into his pocket and laugh his head off. Losing the bet, paying Inuyasha a fifty, and even buying him lunch for a week despite his not completing that part of the bargain would be _well_ worth it, after all that entertainment.

He only hoped the hanyou would live to reap the rewards of winning the bet.

After all, going by the chaotic sounds that had come over the line, it was clear that Sesshomaru was a very badly trained dog.


	17. Old Dog, Old Tricks

"Your progress leaves much to be desired," Inuyasha said sternly, looking up from the folder he held before him.

He sat along one side of the dining table, directly across from Sesshomaru, who looked for all the world as if he was attending a job interview – impressive and dignified, but hardly in a position of command and control.

The taiyoukai said nothing, so the half-demon continued: "Your attempts to grow a sense of humour have failed dismally despite your assurances to me in November that you would develop one. It's spring now, and I see little improvement in your constitution."

Sesshomaru glowered at being thus spoken to, but he was really in the doghouse, for Inuyasha had threatened again to move out of their home after their last spat some weeks ago. If there was one thing in his long life that Sesshomaru had learnt to treasure, it was his mate and brother's constant companionship.

So he took a breath and said in as dignified a manner as he could: "It is difficult to develop a ready sense of humour after having lived so many hundreds of years with the need to present a stoic face to the world."

"The world, yeah. But to me as well?" Inuyasha asked.

"I am trying, little brother."

"Going full-dog and stuffing my entire head and neck into your jaws just because of my little joke with Koga did _not_ look like you were trying. By the way, your breath doesn't smell too great when you're a dog and I'm inside your mouth. You do still have that chicken-flavoured canine toothpaste, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," Sesshomaru replied, colouring again to be addressed like a naughty child. "And I _am_ trying. It may not look like it to you, but I am."

"Oooo-kay," Inuyasha said doubtfully. "So you promise not to lose your temper the next time I do anything that the stuffy old side of you would normally think of as 'inane', 'juvenile', 'ridiculous' or 'stupid'?"

"I shall do my best. Although, as the head of our pack, I shall certainly put an immediate end to any stupid, inane or juvenile behaviour that endangers us, damages our reputation or humiliates us."

"Uhm, were you doing the 'royal we' thing there?" the younger brother asked suspiciously. "Does 'us' just mean you?"

"No, it means you and me and our pack."

"That takes us back to square one, because you consider everything an affront to your dignity."

"Not 'everything' – I am never affronted when dogs and demons worship me."

"You know what, Sesshomaru?" Inuyasha growled, snapping shut the file in which the taiyoukai's spectacular attacks on him were listed. "You're just a stuffy old pooch who refuses to learn new ways. It really is true what humans say, isn't it, that you can't teach an old dog new tricks?"

"I am not old," Sesshomaru declared indignantly. "At only one thousand and two hundred years of age, I am perfectly young for a taiyoukai."

"Maybe we should match this to dog years, so we can determine whether you're still capable of picking up new ways or not!" Inuyasha responded, getting to his feet and pushing the dining chair back. "Where's that book on dog care I bought at Christmas? It had a chapter about geriatric canines."

"I am not geriatric!" Sesshomaru rumbled.

Inuyasha, ignoring him, was already at the shelves, rifling through the hundreds of volumes of books they had accumulated over the years. "Ah-ha! Here it is!" As he flipped through the pages to get to the chart, Inuyasha murmured: "We've pretty much agreed that at your age – 1,200, you're approximately equivalent to a 37-year-old human, right? So in dog years, according to this dog-human age-conversion chart, that would make you about four-and-a-half... wait a minute, that's not right – you are way too stiff and stuffy to be at the same level as a four-and-a-half-year-old dog!"

"I beg your pardon?" Sesshomaru asked, standing up, a distinctly growly undertone in his voice.

Leaping backwards and pointing a finger at him, Inuyasha spluttered: "There you go – right there again – getting totally mad when you're offended over the least little thing!"

"In what way is calling your alpha, elder and mate 'stiff and stuffy' the 'least little thing'?" the taiyoukai demanded.

"It is when he IS stiff and stuffy!" Inuyasha fired back.

Swallowing his indignation, Sesshomaru calmly sat back down again and declared: "I do not consider myself stuffy."

"No stuffy person ever does," the half-demon muttered. "Anyway, the chart probably doesn't work with triple conversions – we should draw up a demon-dog age-conversion table one of these days. If I had to guess, I'd put you at about 17 in dog years."

"Most dogs are _dead_ before 17," Sesshomaru stated icily.

"That is true. Maybe there's something in that..."

"Are you suggesting that I am a walking corpse?"

"Well, I did say you were stiff... heh heh..." Inuyasha chuckled, bending his head back to the book but watching Sesshomaru out of the corner of one eye to note the tightening jawline and the rigidity of his fingers, which usually presaged a loss of temper to some degree.

But the jawline and knuckles gradually relaxed with some effort on the part of the demon they were attached to, so Inuyasha returned to the dining table and put the book down, leaving it open at the age-conversion chart. "Maybe we've been getting the human-demon age comparisons wrong all along, huh?" Inuyasha remarked lightly. "Maybe at 1,200 years old, you're not 37 but actually much younger? Lots of humans in these modern times are still like teenagers at 30 or 40 anyway, refusing to grow up. Maybe you'll outgrow your temper the way kids outgrow their acne."

"I _am_ grown up," said Sesshomaru with dignity. "I grew up a long time ago."

"So you _are_ old, and you're stuck this way," Inuyasha sighed dramatically. "Oh dear."

"You are deliberately trying to provoke me," Sesshomaru observed.

"Clever dog. Now the question is, are you smart enough not to rise to the bait? Age shouldn't have eroded your _intelligence_ , at least."

Cool golden eyes gazed levelly back at him.

"Let's have a look at this section of the book about old dogs, shall we?" Inuyasha forged ahead cheerfully. "Hmm... where's the part about teaching new tricks... oh, here we are – umm... it says that old dogs may be slower to learn new routines and new tricks, but it is not impossible to teach them. It just takes more time and patience."

"Why would an old dog need to learn new tricks, when he has survived very well for so long knowing exactly what he needs to know, no more and no less?" Sesshomaru asked calmly.

"Hey, this is a fast-changing world. If you don't adapt, you turn into a dinosaur – and look where _they_ ended up," the younger brother said, looking up briefly before returning to the book. "This part also says that trainers have to be understanding when trying to teach aged dogs new things. They may not only be less flexible mentally, but may be literally less flexible in body, so we shouldn't expect tricks that will strain their old joints and muscles... ahhh, is _that_ why you found it so hard to catch your tail that time?"

Before Inuyasha could read on, he was knocked over backwards, right out of his chair, by a blinding white flash of sheer muscle power as Sesshomaru flew over the table and pinned him to the floor.

Inuyasha yelped, but the alpha dog had his wrists under his powerful hands, and his iron-like legs trapped his feet beneath them. The book had skidded away, face down, to somewhere under one of the armchairs.

"Look what you're doing!" the half-demon yelled. "You're losing it again, you humourless mutt! Can't stand the least bit of teasing, can you?"

"On the contrary, little brother," Sesshomaru said, smooth as warm honey. "I am very, _very_ calm, and have not lost my temper at all."

"So why are you fucking sitting on me?" Inuyasha demanded angrily. "This is definitely going into your lack-of-progress report!"

"How precisely does it fit into such a report when I am not losing my cool in any way?" the taiyoukai asked.

"It fits because you're attacking me, dammit!"

"You think this is an attack?"

"If it's not, then I don't know what it is!" Inuyasha grunted, struggling against his brother, who had the advantage of greater height and weight, and gravity on his side to boot.

"Ah, Inuyasha," said Sesshomaru with a knowing smile. "I see that it is time for the old dog to remind the young one of some things he ought to have learnt by now, but refuses to. You _do_ know how old dogs enjoy asserting their authority over young punks who think they can get away with anything, don't you?"

Inuyasha gulped as his pack leader's intentions made themselves clear from the manner in which he was now mounting him.

"HEY! Watch where you're putting that massive _thing_ – are you bloody trying to punch a hole through my balls? I am SO starting a new report on your ridiculous testosterone levels! We're getting your hormones checked by the vet tomorrow! You're so fucking domineering there's got to be something out of whack somewh–" was about all the half-demon managed to howl out furiously before he was smothered by the mokomoko.

"Don't forget old dogs also have some very good _old_ tricks," Sesshomaru purred.

Inuyasha squirmed and twisted his face away from mokomoko-sama to spit out: "I'm bloody trading you in for a younger mate, you horny, ancient quadruped... EWWWWW! If you have to put your tongue in my ear would you please not drool INTO it!"

"You're not trading me in for _anything_ , Inuyasha," Sesshomaru growled into the wet and furry flap with a smile, for he was long accustomed to the younger one's spitfire threats which were much more bark than bite. "Not when you see what new tricks this old dog can teach you..."

"I am MOVING OUT FOR GOOD, I tell you! You'll never see me again! Oooowwww! You bastard!"

"Really, now? If you want to leave, you'll first have to get away from me, and I don't see how you're going to manage that when I have no intention of getting _out_ of you for the next two weeks, if you know what I mean – I'm sure you know that old dogs are stiff in more ways than one, and I won't be budging for a while until my old bones are nice and ready, puppy..." Sesshomaru promised.

Inuyasha yowled and groaned, as those old bones and the old boner seemed very happy to remain where they were for a long time to come.

Because if there was one thing the old dog certainly didn't lack, it was stamina.


	18. Knot Good

Inuyasha groaned when the white phone mounted on the wall by the light switch rang. The extension was used only when the receptionists in the lobby called to inform them that they had visitors who were waiting for them downstairs, or going up to their apartment.

"Dammit," he swore. "Move, Sesshomaru."

The elder of the two obeyed at once, and the pair shuffled towards the phone to answer the call.

"What is it?" Inuyasha grumbled into the receiver.

"Mr Souga?" came the friendly voice of the junior receptionist. "There's a courier here from Ookami Corporation with a parcel for the elder Mr Souga that needs to be signed for."

"You sign for it, then," the hanyou told her.

"I'm afraid I can't, sir," came the apologetic reply. "It seems to be one of those confidential packages that must be delivered directly into the hands of the recipient. I hope Mr Daitaro is in?"

"Yeah, he's _in_ all right."

"Would he prefer to come downstairs to sign for the package, or shall I send the courier upstairs?"

"We can't go downstairs right now," Inuyasha grunted. "Send the courier up."

"Yes, sir."

Inuyasha slapped the phone back onto its cradle and turned his head to glare at Sesshomaru the best he could. "Idiot. You and your bloody inu instincts."

"And what fine instincts they are," Sesshomaru murmured into one furry ear.

"Sick bastard."

"Let's keep moving."

But they were only halfway across the living room by the time the buzzer on the intercom sounded.

Inuyasha moaned again, then roared out to the man on the other side of the door: "All right, coming!"

***

The worker from Ookami Corporation thought his big boss Koga and his collection of cronies were weird, with their peculiarly territorial behaviour, tendency to growl like dogs when annoyed with someone, and their suspiciously secretive and pack-like behaviour when they were together, away from the lower-hierarchy employees.

But this was a lot weirder.

Mr Daitaro Souga, the intended recipient of the package he had been instructed to deliver, was now signing for it – while peering awkwardly round the front door of the penthouse, and resting the clipboard on the head of the younger Mr Souga, who was also peering awkwardly round the door, albeit from lower down.

"Is everything all right, sirs?" the courier asked. "Koga-san did also ask me to give you his regards."

"We're fine," the younger of the two infamous Souga brothers grunted. "We're just – doing – uhm... yoga. Very advanced yoga."

"Of course," said the man. "I shall let Koga-san know. Good day."

The door closed in his face, and he left, racking his brains for suitable words to describe the oddness of the brothers' behaviour, if Koga-san should happen to ask him later.

***

"You prick. It's all your fault. Now he's going to tell Koga what he saw, and Koga's going to _know_ what happened!"

"You don't think he was convinced by your 'advanced yoga' excuse?"

"NOTHING in advanced yoga looks like someone fucking someone else in the rear and GETTING STUCK!" Inuyasha howled.

"This is not 'getting stuck', you inexperienced tyke. This is knotting. It's what dogs do."

"It's not what dog DEMONS do, you screwed-up moron!"

"Apparently, I am highly unusual," Sesshomaru gloated, kissing Inuyasha's back.

"Bloody hell, Sesshomaru, we've been stuck for one whole day!" the hanyou snapped, trying to jerk his upper body away from the taiyoukai's lips.

"I promised you two weeks of this, remember?"

"Two weeks? _Someone's_ asking to have his dick cut off with a bloody steak knife," Inuyasha growled, dragging Sesshomaru towards the kitchen.

Sesshomaru hauled him back by the waist. "We are _not_ going near any steak knives," he stated.

"No? I'll settle for a fucking _butter_ knife at this point!" Inuyasha hollered, dragging his brother towards the kitchen again. "Let's see how you like me slowly sawing through that damn tool millimetre by millimetre–"

"I'm much too _hard_ to be cut through with a butter knife, or even a steak knife, Yasha, and you know it," Sesshomaru grunted, dragging him again in the opposite direction.

"Then I'm getting the bloody _cleaver_!" Inuyasha snarled, tugging towards the kitchen once more.

To his surprise, Sesshomaru went along this time.

"Do you really want to go into the kitchen so badly, little brother?" Sesshomaru asked. "Very well, I shall permit that, especially since I am a little hungry after all my exertions, and would not mind frying an omelette for a snack."

"W-w-wait, why – ouch – why the hell are we going to the _gas_ stove?" Inuyasha yelped. "The convection one's working just fine –"

Inuyasha almost jumped out of his skin when Sesshomaru turned the gas on and clicked the lighter gun against the ring, making the circle of flames leap to life.

"Hey – watch where you're pushing my head down to – bloody hell, Sesshomaru! The flames are too close – _ow_! _Hot!_ My ears! My ears!"

"Ah, so you _don't_ want to be in the kitchen now, do you?" the taiyoukai asked facetiously. "Very well, I don't need to eat eggs at the moment. We can always have them later."

"I am SO cutting your prick off!" Inuyasha yelled, swiping frantically at the block of knives on the counter, only to be steered away from them by Sesshomaru.

"None of those knives will do it, Yasha, and you know it," Sesshomaru grunted, dragging him out of the kitchen. "You'll need Tetsusaiga to slice through me, but I'm not leaving you any room to slip that oversized blade between your delectable bottom and my hips."

With that, Sesshomaru pushed even further in.

" _Damn you, Sessh...!_ " Inuyasha hissed.

"You can't push me out, Yasha."

The hanyou was gripping the edge of the dining table now, gritting his teeth, and realising that he could not indeed push Sesshomaru out. But maybe... just maybe... His grimace turned into a grin as he turned his head partially to look at the taiyoukai.

"So you're staying in?" he demanded.

"I've knotted. There is little I can do about that right now, which is perfectly fine with me," the dog demon replied.

"Fine. Then stay in. And _enjoy_ yourself. I've decided that there's nothing else for it but to give you a really good, _snug_ time."

With that, the hanyou started clenching his butt muscles, slowly increasing the pressure at first, but soon tightening up so much with his half-demon strength that Sesshomaru's pleasure turned to mild discomfort. The younger one wasn't done, though. He had never squeezed so hard before, but he kept going, until he received the satisfaction of a grunt, then something very like a gasp, from the demon behind him. And even then, he continued crushing the invasive part of the taiyoukai's anatomy until the mirror on the wall behind the dining table reflected Sesshomaru's face, turning a shade red.

"You want in? You _got_ in!" Inuyasha growled, upping the pressure another notch.

"Damn it, Inuyasha – stop!" were the words that finally exploded from Sesshomaru's mouth.

"Stop? Oh no, no way. I'm fucking castrating you right here and right now by squeezing your dick paper-thin, you prick!" Inuyasha grunted, applying more muscle power.

"I said stop!" Sesshomaru growled.

"Not till you've bloody unknotted!"

"It's not as if I can just reach inside and untie something, you fool!"

"Then I'm squeezing that bloody knot _flat!_ "

"Inuyasha – don't – ahhhh – all right, all right – it's going down!"

"It better be, or I'm _closing_ this hole to a pinprick."

"It's going _down,_ I said!" Sesshomau hissed.

"Hurry it up."

"This is not macramé. I can speed things up only so far."

"Fine," Inuyasha grumbled, as he loosened up a bit.

"Patience," Sesshomaru snapped.

"Right, right," Inuyasha muttered, tapping his fingers on the dining table during the tense silence of the next three minutes, before eventually deciding to distract himself by asking about the object resting on that table. "What did Koga send you, anyway?"

"He did say he would be sending me some confidential documents about the joint venture," Sesshomaru said tightly, distracting himself from the physical discomfort by reaching for the parcel and slicing the tape open with a claw.

What he saw inside was not documents, however, but an assortment of stationery.

"That empty-headed ookami has sent us the wrong package," the taiyoukai bit out. "His skull is obviously full of styrofoam."

Inuyasha was about to agree, when Sesshomaru unknotted at last, and slid free. The half-demon winced at the soreness in his behind, but when he turned around, he managed to raise a grin because he could see Sesshomaru doing his dignified best not to clutch at his privates, which surely had to be in agony.

"So? Is it flat yet?" Inuyasha asked wickedly, trying to raise the hem of Sesshomaru's shirt to see if what was under it was well and truly crushed.

"Don't touch me," Sesshomaru growled.

"Oooh, so it _is_ flat, huh?" Inuyasha taunted, reaching into Koga's box and pulling out a stapler. "Looks like Styrofoam Brain's stationery is gonna come in useful after all, because I am going to put that flattened thing well and truly away by stapling it to your balls!"

"Keep that thing away from me."

"Don't like the idea? How about I tie it into a _real_ knot instead, big brother? I don't just cuss like a sailor – I can fucking knot things like one too..."

"Inuyasha, don't you dare."

"...though I daresay it won't look as pretty in a reef knot as it will in a simple bow. How about that, Sesshomaru? Just hand over that flat little rope now..."

"Inuyasha..."

"Oh, wait a minute – we can't tie any cute bows unless I have both ends free – which means I'll have to CUT the bloody thing off first, which should solve ALL my problems!" Inuyasha roared, lunging at Sesshomaru with a wild-eyed look which gave even the taiyoukai a turn.

For once in his life, the elder of the two dog demons decided that discretion was the better part of valour. He flew into the bedroom, where he scooped up both the Bakusaiga and the Tetsusaiga and shoved them into the wardrobe, which he prepared himself to defend with his life. Inuyasha could wave the Tenseiga about all he pleased, he didn't care. But either of the two offensive weapons now in the closet could potentially hack off parts of his anatomy.

Everything currently attached to his body was staying put.

Nothing was to be cut off.

Because he would be damned if he was going to spend the next few years regrowing assorted bits and pieces of flesh and bone – and, of course, boners.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone has been wondering if the aliases used by the characters in this fic have any particular significance, well yes, they do, although at least one of them is ironic.
> 
> "Souga", the surname adopted by the brothers in this modern age, means "twin fangs" (I think all Inuyasha fans know what that alludes to); "Daitaro", Sesshomaru's alias, means "Great First Son" (no self-esteem issues there); and "Keiji", Inuyasha's alias, means "Respectful Second Son" (no prizes for guessing that as the ironic one!).


	19. Of Alphas And Adamant

Inuyasha lay on the big bed in the master bedroom. He was curled up under the covers although he did not feel particularly cold, and was hugging Sesshomaru's pillow to his chest, burying his nose in its feather-filled depths to get as much of the taiyoukai's scent as he could.

Sesshomaru had been gone for _days_. He had _never_ disappeared like this before in modern times. This was a first, and very unsettling for the half-demon who was accustomed to being the one to take off without telling anyone where he was going. Now that he was on the receiving end, it didn't feel good.

It would be no use trying to sniff him out – their pack all used spells whenever they were outside their homes to avoid being accosted by demons of other packs. Not that any demons wanted to draw unnecessary attention to themselves these days by starting superhuman fights in the streets; rather, they concealed their scents and auras as a means of protecting their privacy.

So there would be no easy way for him to track Sesshomaru.

Ringing up their friends and family wouldn't do much good either. It would only announce to everyone that they had had yet another spat. And Inuyasha had not even known that this latest spat was any different from all their other quarrels and fights over the centuries. He'd thought everything would be normal again by the next morning.

But then he had never crushed Sesshomaru's dick through his sheer butt-power before. So maybe this wasn't like other fights.

Maybe he had crossed a line and broken pack rules.

Maybe Sesshomaru wasn't coming back.

Inuyasha thought of himself as independent. He rather liked being left alone sometimes. And the gods knew how many years he had spent out in the world on his own. But things had changed. He had first grown close to Kikyo, then met Kagome, acquired so many other close friends, and after that had come to a whole new understanding with Sesshomaru.

Damn it, but he had gotten used to being part of a pack, and all his solo excursions to wherever he felt like going were possible only because he had the anchor of his mate and his family and their circle to give him all the security he needed.

He was a half-dog-demon, after all, and dogs were pack creatures, needing their friends and their alphas near them.

However, he had almost castrated his alpha, and Sesshomaru had been gone since Monday. It was already the Monday after, and there was no sign of him. The taiyoukai may have done plenty of wandering back in the feudal era, but in this era, he had unfailingly come home after work, and was dependable enough never to vanish without prior warning. He had not darkened their door in eight days. Something was terribly wrong.

Inuyasha sat up in bed, looked around the bedroom, which felt utterly empty, and did something he had not done in decades.

He started sniffling.

***

Sesshomaru paused before he unlocked the door with the house keys he had finally been trained to carry, and stepped into the penthouse. There was no telling what kind of mood Inuyasha was in, and if he ought to tiptoe around him for the next few months, or risk having his privates sliced off via some ghastly manoeuvre like the Adamant Barrage. Marvellous. Amputation with bling.

The hanyou probably wasn't even in. He must have taken himself off somewhere, sulking as usual, refusing to return until he was good and ready... ah, no, he wasn't, as Sesshomaru's nose told him once he sniffed the air of the apartment. He was certainly in – but what was that scent?

Tears. His half-brother and mate was crying.

Instantly alert to the possibility that Inuyasha was hurt or in trouble, Sesshomaru sped through the apartment and quietly opened the door of the master bedroom, only to see him sitting up in the middle of their bed, the duvet cover pooled around him, his triangular ears drooping, and his huge golden eyes overflowing with glistening tears.

He looked beautiful, tragic, goofy and utterly adorable all at the same time.

Until he launched himself at Sesshomaru with a wail and knocked him backwards onto the floor.

***

"I thought you weren't coming back, you inconsiderate bastard!" Inuyasha snapped, sniffling and wiping away his snot and tears with the back of his hand while sitting on top of Sesshomaru.

"If you are planning to wipe your hand clean on my clothing or my fur, I must request that you refrain from doing so," the taiyoukai said dryly from under him.

"Why didn't you say how long you would be gone?" the hanyou demanded.

"I didn't think you would want to hear from me. Besides, you never tell me how long _you_ will be gone whenever you run away from home."

"That's different. I'm supposed to be the petulant younger brother and you're supposed to be the sensible older one," Inuyasha sniffed.

"Is that so, now?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Indeed?"

"Yeah. So are you just back to collect your things, or are you back _back_?"

"My home is with you. Of course I am back. I refuse to echo your ungrammatical word repetition."

"I'm really sorry I crushed your dick."

"Perhaps I shouldn't have knotted in you without your permission. Although I did not know at the time that I was actually capable of it."

"You didn't?"

"No."

"Oh."

"So..."

"So where did you go? Were you mad with me?"

"Haven't we fought often enough for me not to remain angry with you for long?"

"I suppose. So where _did_ you go?"

"I went to pay a visit to Hosenki's son."

"The jewel demon who told me he'd need about a hundred years to make another black pearl that could lead to Father's grave?"

"Yes, that one."

"What for?"

"That is none of your business," Sesshomaru stated, starting to sound slightly huffy. "I have returned, so be happy about not being mateless and packless, foolish inu."

The taiyoukai got to his feet, lifting Inuyasha up along with him, and was about to head for the bathroom when his half-brother said, thoughtfully: "Wait a sec. Hosenki Junior isn't just a master jeweller. I remember that he has some healing skills too... but if you needed healing, you could have just gone to your mother, right? Unless..."

"Unless _nothing_ ," Sesshomaru said shortly, trying to turn away again only to be held back by Inuyasha.

"Oh, oh, oh – yup, I remember!" Inuyasha piped up excitedly. "His healing specialities involve reinforcement and reconstruction... say, you didn't go to him for some, um, reconstructive therapy, did you?"

Inuyasha glanced pointedly in the direction of Sesshomaru's crotch.

Glaring at him, the taiyoukai snipped: "If you had not reacted so violently to my knotting, the visit would not have been necessary."

"Oh. My. God. What kind of reconstruction did you need? Did I _really_ kill it?"

"No."

"What did you have him do? Dip it in diamond dust to harden it?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Uh-huh," Inuyasha said, nodding eagerly, ears still softly lowered in an unusually submissive manner. His puppyish nature seemed to have surfaced in a big way thanks to his relief that his mate and big brother had not abandoned him for real.

"Well, I'm not telling you," Sesshomaru stated, heading for the bathroom.

"Did he coat it in molten rubies?" Inuyasha asked, tagging along, never taking his eyes off Sesshomaru's face.

"What a preposterous idea."

"You studded it with sapphires, didn't you?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Then what?"

Sesshomaru turned slowly around in the doorway of the bathroom. "Perhaps..." he began. "Just perhaps, I had him implant a diamond rod into a certain part of my anatomy so that you wouldn't be able to _flatten_ it again..."

Inuyasha gulped.

"Or perhaps..." Sesshomaru continued. "I had him custom-make ruby studs the shade of your fire rat robe, just for you, to chain one stud through your member to one through your tongue so you'll think twice about sounding off and hurling a torrent of vulgarities at me every time we fight."

"Hey..." Inuyasha started, his ears pricking right up.

"Wouldn't you like that, little brother? Your pack instincts are declaring how much you need your alpha around, and you would do _anything_ to keep him here, am I right?" Sesshomaru asked, in a rather sinister fashion.

"Hey," Inuyasha stated more assertively, ears going right up and eyes looking distinctly less huge and puppyish. "Just because I was _worried_ about you going missing, it does not mean that I'm suddenly your wimpy puppy now, you creep."

"Worried? You were drowning in a pool of tears when I came home," Sesshomaru said.

"I was _concerned_ about you, you perverted bastard. Obviously I shouldn't have been!" the hanyou barked, whipping around and stalking halfway across the bedroom before Sesshomaru sprang over and caught him by his long mane of hair.

"What the hell?" Inuyasha yelled, wincing as he was pulled backwards. "Going into troglodyte mode now, are we? What are you going to do? Whack me over the head with your oversized diamond-studded club and drag me by the hair back to your dusty old cave?"

Sesshomaru turned Inuyasha around quickly before he went into full-blown fighting mode and kissed him hard on the mouth.

"That's better," said the taiyoukai, releasing his hair. "Now you're yourself again."

"What do you mean?" Inuyasha grumbled, although he was slightly mollified by the kiss.

"I hate to see you upset and sad – although your huge puppy eyes are most appealing, I hate to see your ears down. We're family, and the heads of our pack. I won't be walking out on you any time soon. Unless you make dick-crushing a part of our routine interaction, that is."

"I _could_ do it if that sort of thing turns you on," Inuyasha teased.

"So you _wish_."

"Well, I _could_."

"I won't _let_ you."

"So what _did_ Hosenki the Second do?" Inuyasha asked again, but in his usual cheeky manner this time. "Show me."

He groped for Sesshomaru's fly, but the taiyoukai slapped his hand away and headed again for the bathroom. "Hands off. You're not touching it for a while, you crazed dick destroyer."

"Lemme see."

"No."

"Come on – is it in bandages or what?"

"No. Stop trying to molest me."

"Oh that's really hilarious coming from you. Out with it. Unzip."

"No. Stop swiping at my crotch. If you damage it again I'm amputating yours and transplanting it onto myself."

"Sure you will. Like _you_ would want a dick that turns human once a month. Drop your trousers now."

"Having _you_ frantically try to get into _my_ pants is a highly unusual situation," Sesshomaru remarked.

"It wouldn't be so unusual if you didn't ask for it all the time."

"It is normal in healthy packs for the alpha to claim his mate regularly to cover his partner with his scent and reinforce bonding."

"Except that sometimes the 'bonding' becomes pretty literal, and I can't get unstuck," Inuyasha fired back.

"Let's come to an agreement. I will work on my sense of humour, you will work on your violent overreactions to everything I do, and we will both work on a more... shall we say... balanced bonding routine."

"Like that's gonna last. I'm sure we've tried these 'agreements' at least five times in the last five hundred years."

"If it lasts even a year I'll be grateful."

"Fine."

"Do you want to know what I went to see Hosenki for?"

"Like I haven't been asking since you walked in the door."

"I went to him to have him make this." Sesshomaru produced a ring of pure diamond from his pocket. It was not a ring of precious metal with a stone set in it; instead, the entire ring itself was formed from diamond, lightly faceted on its outer surface and perfectly smooth on its inner circumference, crafted in a manner that only the most skilled of jewel demons could pull off.

"That's... wow." Words failed the hanyou.

"My peace offering to you. Although seeing the waterfall of tears down your face earlier, I have a suspicion it wasn't needed."

"It was _not_ a waterfall," Inuyasha growled, lifting the ring from Sesshomaru's hand before he changed his mind about giving it to him.

"Do you like it?"

"Love it, you stupid dog."

"You obviously do, if you're verbally abusing me like that."

"So this is what you went to see him for? Not to put emerald piercings in your dick?"

"Of course not."

"Are you ever going to unzip your fly? We could have a bit of bonding fun right here and now..."

"Not now. It's still sore."

"Seriously? Ooh, this will be fun – I am _so_ getting it on with you and making you howl in pain."

"Hands off me."

"Uh-uh. Time to get hot, Sess!"

"No, Inuyasha, it's not ready for that."

"It's gonna be ready whether you're ready or not!" the hanyou grinned gleefully, pouncing on the taiyoukai.

"Get off me, Inuyasha!"

"Nope."

"INUYASHA!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **17 Mar 2011 note:** This story won the Inuyasha Fanguild award for "Best Comedy" for the fourth quarter of 2010. Many thanks to jdbbrz for nominating it, Snowfall for seconding, and ajj7sunhawk and other readers for voting. Thank you all for continuing to read this.
> 
> I've deliberately made this chapter both bittersweet and naughty, because I want to dedicate it to the memory of aleabeth, who regularly expressed her enjoyment of this series – complete with all its naughty and irreverent bits. Wherever you are in the universe, aleabeth, I hope this continues to bring some amusement to you.


	20. Oh, What A Howl

A long, deep howl sailed through the skies over the city on the night of the full moon. For one second, there was deadly silence from every dog within listening range. Then masses of canine noises erupted as it seemed that almost every pooch in the city that did not live behind double-glazed windows and soundproofed walls began to howl furiously in response.

***

"Oh, _that's_ a good way to start," Inuyasha chuckled gleefully to Sesshomaru, who lounged in the wicker chair beside his.

They were in their roof garden, basking in the light of the moon, and looking out over the sparkling city skyline as they enjoyed the response to Sesshomaru insulting every dog for miles around by howling out that they were poncy brats who ate all their food minced because they had no teeth and had forgotten how to hunt.

The taiyoukai smiled smugly back at his mate, and said: "Your turn."

***

As another, coarser, howl tore through the night, dog owners throughout the city saw their pets freeze, hackles raised, then launch into furious barking sprees and angry returning howls.

Some of the dogs, especially the small-breed ones, were apoplectic with rage. But not a single one of their human companions had any idea what had just happened.

Naturally, it was not within human linguistic capabilities to grasp the fact that someone out there had just said something rather offensive in inu, to put it mildly.

***

" _Very_ creative," Sesshomaru conceded, after Inuyasha declared all pooches below beagle size the offspring of cuckolded mastiffs whose bitches had mated with cats while the fat and lazy males were asleep in front of the television set.

It even got the cats going, as several angry felines with a rudimentary understanding of the inu tongue yowled and hissed back that mating with bitches was beneath the dignity of any cat.

Of course, it did not stop Inuyasha from adding in another long, sing-song howl that the bitches had actually preferred the sexy cats.

It kept the cats reasonably quiet and mollified, but provoked another furious round of dog howls that spread all over the city.

***

"Whose bloody dogs are doing that?" one agitated man asked as he pulled open the door of his house and craned his neck this way and that in his front yard after several failed attempts to stop his Alaskan Malamute from yodelling its head off.

"No idea," said his neighbour, who was also scanning the area while clamping his hand over the muzzle of his squirming, enraged Chihuahua. "I've been out here for a while, but I can't pinpoint the source of the initial howls which all the other dogs seem to be replying to."

"Damn it. What the hell are they _saying_ to one another?"

"Hey, if I knew, I'd also know how to tell this fellow to stop peeing on the carpet, but I don't."

***

"You think we've disguised our voices and location well enough?" Inuyasha asked Sesshomaru.

"I would think so. With the echoes we've built into our howls, and the way we've altered the quality of our voices, none of the dogs we've insulted are going to recognise that it was us the next time they hear us speak in inu."

"I feel kinda bad, though. You know I'm really fond of lots of the dogs out there. Maybe I should howl out something that exempts my favourites from the insults."

"Let's see how that goes."

***

Several households across the city were next astonished to see some of their howling dogs growling resentfully at their other dogs; while canines who had lived next door peacefully to one another for years began charging angrily at the fence, or snootily stalking off with their noses in the air, as Inuyasha sang out that with the exception of certain excellent dogs whose true dog names he announced in a long list, all the other dogs had lost the plot and needed to get their act together because the rats in the sewers were growing a lot smarter than they were.

***

"That was much too kind, little brother," Sesshomaru scoffed. "Your soft-heartedness is showing. The truth is that every domesticated dog has lost the plot. They are fully dependent on human mercy when they ought to be ruling the world instead."

"I think the cats have first dibs on that attitude," Inuyasha replied.

"At least they have the attitude. Dogs have forgotten what it was like when they stood side by side with their wolf brothers and terrorised the world."

Someone else out there certainly had the same idea, for they soon heard a loud howl from across the city which said: _If wimpy dogs were studly, gorgeous wolves, their bitches would never dream of mating with cats!_

Inuyasha bristled. "Dammit. That's Koga. You've got to say something back."

Sesshomaru lifted his face to the moon and sent a rich song back across the sky: _If scruffy, ignorant wolves knew anything at all, they would know that they are even half of what they are today because their mothers had the good sense to copulate with wild inu while the wimpy he-wolves were screwing the cats who then birthed the sewer rats._

Total silence fell over the city for five seconds. Not a single dog, cat, rat or wolf – or canine demon – said a word. The five seconds of relative peace, in which only traffic noises were heard, were then shattered by an overwhelming chorus of rage from almost every four-legged animal in the city, including the zoo wolves.

Pet owners throughout the city tore their hair out in bewilderment. What was going on?

Suddenly, a commanding and surprisingly terrifying howl ripped through the night skies, breaching even soundproofed walls and city limits, and everyone who had ears to hear froze as the message came out loud and clear from a ferocious alpha-female voice rich with the depths of age and experience and undeniable power:

 _If the two misbegotten whelps who started this chaotic argument which has disturbed my beauty sleep, and who think they are so clever and witty, do not SHUT UP THIS VERY INSTANT, they will wish THEY had been sired by rats and birthed by cats, because I, THEIR MOTHER, will fly across the city NOW and cast on them a spell that will pound them into creatures the size of hamsters and shove them into mouse holes for the rest of their lives!_

Inuyasha jumped out of his wicker chair and fled the roof garden, hauling an indignant Sesshomaru along with him, slamming the sliding, sound-proofed, double-glazed glass door behind them, then casting on all the doors and windows every spell he could think of to keep Mother out.

After some silent consideration, Sesshomaru thought better of challenging the bitch who had birthed him, and joined his half-brother in shoring up their penthouse with defensive spells.

So it was that no further rude howls were heard in the city for the rest of that month.


	21. Shampoo Shopping

The pet store manager was attending to a customer when two silver-haired young men walked in and headed for the grooming-products aisle. He had never seen them before. However, this area was popular with holidaymakers, so most of the people who patronised the shops around here weren't regulars.

While helping the first customer, an elderly lady, get several packs of bird feed down from the top shelf, he could hear the two men in the other aisle.

One was saying snappishly: "I thought _you'd_ packed the shampoo."

"No, I distinctly remember saying that I would pack the _snacks_ , because I did not want you to eat them all long before we arrived at our destination," returned a deeper voice.

"Maybe we can do without the shampoo. It's only for the weekend."

"Ordinarily, a weekend without shampoo would not be a problem – but the sea air here makes everything feel tacky."

"I don't see the brand we use..."

"Maybe they don't carry it."

"Why would any shop not carry 'Sparkling Bright'?" went the impatient voice. "It's mild, unscented, and has no artificial chemicals in it."

By this time, the manager was keying in the bird-feed purchase, and he could still hear the two men discussing various shampoos down the aisle.

"Here's a tester bottle for this one, which says 'organic'," proposed the deeper-voiced one.

A moment's silence, during which the other male presumably sniffed the contents of the tester bottle, was followed by an explosive: "Eeeewwww! 'Organic' my ass! There are at least eight totally artificial ingredients in there. And it stinks!"

"What about this? It has proper organic certification on it."

Another moment of silence and another sniff, followed by a disbelieving: " _Lavender?_ You're kidding, right?"

"Just because _you_ don't like a scent..."

" _This_ one smells decent."

"We tried it before, and it tangled everything up, don't you remember?" the deeper voice asked.

"Oh yeah..."

"That one, then?"

"That one tastes disgusting," came the snappish voice.

"If you would stop drinking the shower water, you wouldn't swallow the shampoo," said the other sensibly. "How about this?"

"Yuck."

"Hmm, it is rather vile."

The manager, done with the bird lady, peered round the end of the aisle. The two silver-haired customers were still sniffing one shampoo after the other, and rejecting each one for some peculiar reason or other that seemed to have nothing to do with what their pooches might require.

"Hi," he greeted them. "Can I help you with anything?"

Two silver heads whipped around, and two pairs of golden eyes pierced him keenly, before the shorter, more muscular male wearing a baseball cap asked: "Do you have 'Sparkling Bright' shampoo here?"

"No, we don't carry that range, I'm afraid. Could I recommend an alternative?"

"Not really. We've sniffed almost all of them and we don't like any of them."

"So it's the scents that you find objectionable?"

"It's also the effect some of them have on hair," said the taller man. "Tangling and snagging are very unpleasant, so is frizzing."

"Right," the manager said as he scrutinised the shelves, although as far as he knew, the shampoos they stocked didn't tangle or frizz dog hair. " _This_ one is formulated to detangle, and it is supposed to be scentless."

"No, we've tried that before," the taller male replied, glancing at his companion. "It leaves an odd film on each strand."

"What about this one with no artificial preservatives or additives?"

"It has the consistency of glue," said the taller one.

"We appreciate your trying to help, but we'll just take our time going through the tester bottles and follow our noses," the cap-wearing one sighed.

"Sure. I'll be right over there – just holler if you need any assistance, okay?" the manager said pleasantly.

He returned to the counter, but could not help listening to their conversation, for the shop was not that big, and every sound was quite clear.

"Ugh. This one always used to leave gooey bits trapped under our claws – I mean _nails_ – so it's out."

A sniff was followed by a disapproving grunt: "This smells worse than Naraku's miasma."

"Phew! Don't stick _that_ right under my nose!"

"This says 'Rose Garden'."

"Why would any self-respecting dog want to smell like a rose garden? The soil under the roses, maybe. Look – here's a dry shampoo. Maybe it'll do for the weekend."

"Not for dealing with sea air. And don't forget the fuss you created the last time you inhaled dry shampoo," the deeper voice said.

"I wouldn't have inhaled it if you hadn't tossed it in my face," the other went in response.

"I was aiming for your ears."

"Then you have really shitty aim."

"Here's a brand we've used before. It wasn't wonderful, but neither was it bad."

"You sure have a crappy memory. I didn't mind using it all that much, but _you_ said you didn't like the way it smelt on my hair after it dried."

"Only because it hid your natural scent too much, and you know how much I like that."

"Oh, sure. And also because it hid the natural scent of your own hair from yourself, and we know how much you like _that_."

"Yes, yes, of course. You think me an egomaniac. What about this other one, then? It's also something we've used before."

"It turned my hair green."

"Maybe because you rolled in the grass before it dried."

"It was winter. The grass was _brown_. And I was rolling in it only because you pushed me into the snow."

The manager could no longer resist peering round into the aisle again, a little more cautiously this time, and saying: "Erm... you guys _do_ know that those shampoos are for _dogs_ , right?"

Once again, he was pierced by two pairs of sharp golden eyes. The men stared at him in silence for a moment, before they both answered: "Yes, we know."

"Cos it sounds like you've been using them on yourselves," he risked a further comment.

"What's wrong with sharing shampoo with dogs?" the shorter customer asked.

The manager shrugged: "Well, if it floats your boat, I've nothing to say – it just seems like an expensive alternative to human shampoo."

"It works fine on both us and the dogs," replied the taller male.

"Really? Maybe I should try it some time. What sort of dogs do you have, anyway?"

"Japanese Spitzes," came the flat reply from both the customers in unison, like a rehearsed answer.

"And I take it they're as picky about their shampoo as you two are."

"Really picky."

"So you've got to please both them _and_ yourselves. Well... I do have something which may meet all your requirements, except in one department – but why don't you just sniff it first?" the manager said as he picked out a bottle from the shelf. "It's made from rice extracts, and supposed to be very gentle, with no artificial colouring or chemicals."

He unscrewed the pump-dispenser top and offered the bottle to them to sniff.

"That's not too bad," said the shorter male.

"It smells inoffensive," agreed the taller.

"Yes. The only thing is..." the store manager said hesitantly. "It's a cat shampoo."

The two sets of golden eyes stared at him. The rounder pair blinked once. The narrower pair just stared.

" _Cat_ shampoo," the owner of the narrower pair repeated stiffly.

"It's really safe to use on dogs, though, as it's unmedicated, and cats are more sensitive to or could even be poisoned by some things that don't affect dogs, so it won't do any harm."

The two customers looked at the bottle, and at the manager, then said to him: "Give us a moment, please."

They walked away from the counter and held a whispered discussion which, of course, was fairly easy to overhear.

"The last time I accidentally applied a cat grooming product, Kirara tried to mount me."

"Pure coincidence. Besides, Kirara's not with us this weekend."

"That's true. How long do you think it'll take to wear off, just to be safe?"

"I'm not sure. But we shouldn't visit her for at least a week after that."

" _No one_ hears about this, okay?" the shorter one with the bigger eyes snapped. "We'll be the laughing stocks of the canine world if this gets out."

"Of course."

They walked back up to the counter, and the taller of the two said: "Very well, we'll take it."

Following his instincts with this oddly doggish pair, the manager pointed out a box full of bacon-flavoured chew treats that was sitting right there on the counter, and suggested: "How about some of these for your Spitzes? They're a brand-new product, and going at a special price of three for five dollars now."

"Looks yummy," the shorter one in the baseball cap said, a hungry look in his golden eyes.

"Give us three of those then," said the other indulgently.

They paid up and left the shop. The manager wandered over to the store entrance and stood there watching them curiously as they headed for a sleek, black Lexus. Their voices carried back on the breeze as they walked.

"What shall we do with the remainder of the shampoo after this weekend?"

"Rebottle it and give it to Jaken as a wash. Maybe Kirara will try mounting _him_."

A snicker floated over from the car park, dissipating as the men got into the car and slammed the doors. The sunlight was reflecting off the windshield of the Lexus, so the manager didn't have a great view, but he could see the shorter male removing and readjusting his baseball cap while the other started the engine – and he could almost swear that he saw a perfect pair of dog ears springing up from his hair before the cap went down over them again. He shook his head and stared, but the car was already pulling out.

 _No,_ he thought as he walked back into the shop. _Surely it was just a trick of the light._

 _Then again..._


	22. Game, Set, Catch

"You've never played tennis?" Inuyasha asked Sesshomaru disbelievingly as they lounged on the terrace of their room in the holiday resort they were staying at. "I mean, I've never _seen_ you play it in all these years, but you've really never played before?"

They had a beautiful view of the sea, and far off to their left, they could see the tennis courts, and the little green balls flying back and forth over the net.

"No, I haven't."

"Why not? The game's been around for hundreds of years and you've _never_ tried it?"

"I've never seen the point," Sesshomaru stated.

"It's a sport to those who take it seriously, and it's fun for everyone else. There isn't a _point_ , unless you're aiming to go professional, or something. Otherwise, it's just enjoyable."

"I see nothing enjoyable in swinging a dull weapon at a fuzz-covered ball," Sesshomaru murmured. "I would rather swing a sharp blade at a few hundred heads."

"Of course you would," Inuyasha replied slowly, in his most patronising tone of voice, the one he used when he was talking to anyone he regarded as an idiot.

"Don't use that voice on me," the taiyoukai grumbled, closing his eyes and listening to the roar of the waves.

"Come on, we're at a holiday resort. The tennis courts are waiting to be used by learners like you. Let's go!"

Sesshomaru growled and protested, but Inuyasha's enthusiasm was not to be dampened, so he let himself be dragged into it. They changed into T-shirts and shorts, rented racquets from the sports centre at the resort, and engaged one of the coaches for a couple of hours.

"We don't need a coach," Sesshomaru sighed. "Just run the rules by me, whack the ball at me, and I'll smash it back. How complicated can it be?"

Inuyasha was not to be deterred from going about this the right way, however. So the coach got down to work, starting by spending some time checking out Sesshomaru's swing – which he quickly judged as excellent for a total beginner, except that he was hitting much too hard, because at least four balls were smashed open, and the racquet strings broke twice.

"Connect firmly with the ball and follow through," the coach said patiently, despite his surprise at the slender man's incredible strength. "Don't attack the ball itself as if you were trying to kill it. The aim is to send the ball back across the net, not annihilate the ball."

"Hmm," was Sesshomaru's reply as he tried to work out how to bash something without trying to kill it. He did a little better when he imagined Inuyasha's head in place of the tennis balls, complete with fuzzy white ears. There, that was easier – he was quite used to engaging in all-out battles with his brother and mate without ever actually killing him.

"That's very, _very_ much better, Mr Souga," the coach praised him as he watched the rapid improvement. "I think we might be ready for you to start a proper game with your brother, and I will guide you along the way."

"Give it all you've got," Inuyasha grinned at the taiyoukai as he stepped onto the court. He laughed at the look on Sesshomaru's face as the coach began giving him a quick rundown about scoring, foot placement, serving from different sides of the court for each point, and changing over. The taiyoukai wore a vague expression of irritation, and a _What's The Point?_ look written all over his face. Even disguised as a human, with no crescent-moon or stripy markings, he still looked every inch the supercilious bad sport that he really was.

As they began to play, and to attack each other with a ferocity that the coach had never seen in all his years of teaching holidaymakers at resorts like this, Sesshomaru gradually began to get it, and to enjoy himself just a bit. However, he continued to be annoyed by the little rules, especially when the coach pointed out his foot faults, reminded him which side he had to serve from, and stopped him a couple of times from continuing to serve because he had lost track of the score and forgot that it was Inuyasha's turn.

His hanyou brother was quietly laughing his head off – Sesshomaru could almost swear he could see those doggy ears waggling with hilarity even though he had put on the spell to hide them from view.

After an hour, he huffed in a fit of irritation at the rules, because all he wanted to do was to hit the ball back and forth for the exercise and satisfaction of thumping _something_ , inanimate or not.

"You two play," the taiyoukai growled, leaving the court to Inuyasha and the coach. "I'm done."

The coach observed with curiosity that although the brothers had been working so hard that they had seemed to be engaged in a life-and-death duel, neither of them had so much as broken a sweat. Their platinum hair was as fluffy as ever, and their skin looked cool and clean. Most odd. But he was soon caught up in a challenging battle with the younger of the brothers, and had no time to ponder such small matters. As they played – and the younger brother was an excellent player, he had to admit – the older one watched from the side of the court.

As a spectator, Sesshomaru was at first not all that interested, except to note approvingly that Inuyasha was holding back his strength so as not to completely destroy the coach, and he moved beautifully and looked spectacular. Oh, what he would like to do to that delicious body once he got him back inside their room...

But after a while, the taiyoukai began to grow fascinated by the sight of the ball itself soaring and flying back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It became quite a hypnotic spectacle, disrupted only whenever one party won a point.

How fascinating that little green thing was, bouncing and whizzing and floating in great lobs overhead... he simply could not take his sharp golden eyes off it.

It started to annoy him that both Inuyasha and the coach were such good and precise players that the rallies were short, and the points fast, with aces and smashes coming thick and fast, so the ball wasn't in motion as long as it could be. The hanyou was definitely holding back his more-than-human speed and strength, and was challenging himself purely on technique and accuracy, or else the equipment would have been pulverised, and the coach thoroughly crushed. But still, he was playing superbly, and the coach was keeping up.

Soon, however, Inuyasha began to get much more interested in the technique and placement of his shots, and noticeably slowed down as he tried to perfect his strokes. The rallies became longer and longer, and Sesshomaru found himself swivelling his head from side to side for substantial periods of time, watching the ball with fascination, practically drooling. They were now on a rally that was going on and on and on, and the ball was bouncing left to right, back and forth, to and fro, and Sesshomaru was following it intently until he quite lost himself in its movement.

The taiyoukai's instincts suddenly snapped free of their usual restraints, and the dog demon soared into the air, caught the tennis ball in his teeth, and crunched down on it until it split. He felt a surge of triumph in his breast that he had caught the _irresistible bouncing object_ – a surge that just as quickly subsided at sight of the coach and Inuyasha gaping at him. The coach was astounded enough to be spluttering, while Inuyasha was giving him his "You did NOT just do that in public" look.

Sesshomaru spat the punctured ball out of his mouth, cleared the fuzz from his teeth, and forced his features into the most dignified expression they could assume.

"Those balls should be much tougher than they are, but I will pay for all the damage," he stated haughtily and grandly.

Then he turned on his heel and stalked off the court, knowing that Inuyasha would never, ever let him hear the end of this.

He knew he was in for a long spell of teasing starting from that very night, when he emerged from the bathroom to find Inuyasha reclining temptingly naked on the bed against the mokomoko, but posing with a pair of tennis balls in one hand.

"Hmm…" the hanyou murmured. "I always thought you preferred _my_ balls to all others, but I wonder if I might not have competition…"

Inuyasha's eyes glided over to the neon-green, fuzz-covered spheres in his hand, then down his own body towards his crotch while Sesshomaru stared.

"I wonder if I should maybe cut these off and replace them with the green ones…" the hanyou continued musing aloud.

"Get rid of those things – the green ones, I mean," Sesshomaru growled.

"Are you sure?" Inuyasha teased. "Maybe you want me to tie these things to my butt so you can chase them? They bounce, you know. Tempting, right?"

"Don't be absurd."

"Given a choice between the irresistible bouncing balls and these down here which maybe don't bounce so much, I wonder which you would choose?"

Inuyasha experimentally lobbed one tennis ball across the floor and called out: "Catch, boy!"

Sesshomaru rumbled and ignored the bouncing green object, pouncing instead on the hanyou on the bed.

"Damn. I guess they're not enough of a distraction, eh?" Inuyasha remarked, tossing the other one away as the taiyoukai zoomed in on the other balls, the ones that didn't do much bouncing. "You obviously still prefer _those_."

"There's no competition," Sesshomaru purred against Inuyasha's inner thigh.

"That's nice," the half-demon sighed contentedly.

"Is this what they call a love match?"

"You're a fast learner - the coach would be so proud," said Inuyasha sardonically.

"Shut up about that stupid game and just enjoy the strokes."

"Oooh, you sure are an ace at scoring points with me..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note, 6 July 2011:** As Wimbledon has just come to an end for this year, I figured a tennis-themed chapter would be in order. And I believe I forgot to mention last time that this story (under its Fit For Dogs title on AFF), was voted Best Yaoi/Yuri in the Feudal Association's March 2011 term awards. Thanks to inuyashaloverr for nominating it, and to anyone who voted for it!


	23. Points Of Contention

"Your claws are a disgrace," Sesshomaru stated to Inuyasha as he felt the rough texture of one particularly scratchy talon against his tongue.

"I didn't ask you to lick my fingers, did I?" Inuyasha asked sleepily as he awoke to Sesshomaru's new method of calling him out of dreamland.

"No, but you really should keep these claws in better shape," the taiyoukai murmured as he pored over the rather overgrown and uneven-edged but extremely sharp weapons at the tips of his half-sibling's digits. "They ought to look perfect to match your new diamond ring."

"I try," Inuyasha mumbled into the pillow. "But there's not much to work them on these days."

It used to be that they could keep their claws honed on kills, in battles with other demons, or by the simple routines that came with living in massive forests – scaling trees, digging earth, and climbing over rocks helped keep their talons in good shape. Now, they got by with scratching pieces of wood they retrieved from their nature treks, surreptitious kneading against tree trunks along suburban streets, and even repetitive clawing of a large boulder they had positioned in one corner of the living room and which they passed off as a conversation piece to humans who had reason to enter their apartment.

Sesshomaru was particular about taking the added step of neatly buffing his claws smooth with a long file, but Inuyasha could never be bothered with such fussy grooming. So the edges flaked and got ragged, while the tips tapered to dangerously sharp pinpoints. When out and about in their human disguises created by their magical spells, no one noticed; but back at home or in private among other demons, when they showed their true forms and the claws literally came out, proper grooming was essential.

"You need to file these babies," the taiyoukai persisted.

"Too lazy."

"I'll file them for you, then."

"Absolutely not. Why should I sit around letting you buff my claws as if we were practising to set up some stupid manicure salon?"

The half-demon tugged his hand away from Sesshomaru and tucked it under his pillow, snagging the sheets in the process, then promptly went back to sleep.

Sesshomaru glared at first, but softened as he gazed at the cherubic face beside him, and rose elegantly from the bed to leave the apartment for a bit of pet-shop browsing.

***

"The best way to keep your dog's claws down is really to walk him every day," the pet shop assistant said helpfully. "Especially on tarmac and concrete – that works the nails way down."

"He does go for walks every day," Sesshomaru replied, suddenly getting turned on by the memory of Inuyasha in the forest on all fours, at the end of a collar and leash. "However, I need something for his… dewclaws."

"Yeah, dewclaws are a bother. Some owners I know have them surgically removed, but I don't like the idea of that myself – I don't suppose your dog would like it either!"

Getting another mental image of Inuyasha being told that he ought to get his thumbs removed, Sesshomaru answered: "I don't suppose he would."

"Well, for dewclaws, a lot of people like these guillotine-style clippers for sheer speed and convenience – the rounded points and the fact that the claw goes into a fully enclosed gap between the blades means there's little chance of nicking the rest of the paw with the tips."

"But that crushes the claws, and damages the layers," Sesshomaru commented, examining the clippers.

"Which is why others prefer the nail files – we have a good range here made from very durable, rough-surfaced metals, which should last you a long time. Or you could just get a file from a DIY shop – they're pretty much the same thing."

"I already have a file, and he refuses to let me use it on him."

The shop assistant inched further down the aisle. "Then you might want to consider this battery-powered product which grinds nails down smoothly and painlessly. You simply insert each nail into this opening, and a rotating grinding drum inside gently and safely grinds it smooth."

"Hmm. That might work," Sesshomaru said thoughtfully, and agreed to purchase the item.

***

"What the hell is that?" Inuyasha asked suspiciously the moment Sesshomaru removed the nail grinder from the packaging and started putting in the batteries.

"It's a nail grinder. It should help smoothen your claws without clipping or filing."

"No way I'm letting that thing near my claws."

Sesshomaru sighed. "Just put the tips of your claws, one at a time, into this hole, and the grinder inside will take the edge off the points. Those things are turning unnecessarily lethal – you've ripped up three bedsheets already, and you might just pierce a hole in my eardrums the next time you play with my ears."

" _I_ play with _your_ ears? You're the one who's always fondling _my_ ears!"

"That's because they stick up so much. Now behave and try using this."

"Uh-uh," said Inuyasha, putting his hands behind his back.

"Come on, boy, give paw," Sesshomaru said sarcastically as he approached him.

"Nope. You keep that thing away from me."

"It's harmless!" the taiyoukai snapped.

"You stick your finger in there first, then!"

"My claws are in perfect shape and I have no intention of grinding them down more than is absolutely necessary. Yours, on the other hand…"

" _Still_ not going near it."

Sesshomaru switched the grinder on, and Inuyasha jumped, flattening his triangular ears against his hair. "What is that ghastly noise?" the half-demon yowled. "How does that tiny thing produce so much whining and grating? Ow, my ears! My eardrums are bursting and you have the nerve to talk about your own?"

The taiyoukai had to admit that the noise from the motor was gratingly loud and annoying on his sensitive ears, but he was bent on getting Inuyasha's claws trimmed, and was not about to give up. Gritting his fangs, he moved in on his brother and seized a hand.

"Let – go – of – my – OW, you've just twisted my finger!"

"I have _not_ ," Sesshomaru grunted. "Stop fighting me and put your claw into the hole!"

"You may have a thing for sticking stuff into holes, but I don't have to bloody follow suit!"

All the same, the index claw was firmly inserted into the hole of the nail grinder, and the rotating drum made contact.

"This needs to be done gently, because otherwise the drum will –"

As the words left Sesshomaru's mouth, the jerky movements and intermittent pressure from Inuyasha's resisting finger made the wheel grind to a halt and fly right off the holder.

Sesshomaru pinned Inuyasha under him, flat against the floor, and groped for the grinding wheel. Finding it and putting it back on, he grabbed another finger and pushed the claw tip into the hole.

This time, it worked better, especially because Inuyasha couldn't say much as Sesshomaru was sitting on him and pushing his face flat into the thick carpet with one muscular thigh.

However, the grinder clearly wasn't made to withstand the toughness and supernatural hardness of half-demon claws, and in very little time, the grinding wheel disintegrated and the motor broke down.

"That didn't last long," Sesshomaru cursed, tossing the grinder aside and reaching for the nail file in his pocket, which he had tucked in there as part of his back-up plan.

He succeeded in making only four quick buffing passes against one of the hanyou's claws before Inuyasha executed a powerful one-armed push-up and flipped Sesshomaru over onto his back, then sat on him.

"I'll take care of my claws my way – no fussy filing," he growled down at his half-sibling.

"It wouldn't be fussy if you would do it more regularly," the taiyoukai responded, looking calmly up at him.

"I'll do it when I _feel_ like doing it."

"Which is _never_."

"Love me, love my claws."

"I do. That's why I want your claws and all other parts of you at their best."

"I never complain about your toxic breath."

"That happens only when I'm trying to kill someone in my full-dog form, a method I haven't used in _centuries_ ," Sesshomaru snapped. "At all other times, my breath is perfect."

"Oh yeah, too perfect even to have morning breath, aren't you?" Inuyasha growled. "Well, some of us like having our little imperfections!"

"Which have to go when the sheets keep getting destroyed," Sesshomaru hissed, tossing the file aside and switching tactics in a second as he threw Inuyasha over, slammed his back against the carpet, and started nibbling away furiously at one claw.

"Hey, hey – watch those teeth of yours!" the hanyou snarled, feeling the sharp incisors raking his fingertips.

Sesshomaru had just succeeded in paring down two claws when Inuyasha freed his other arm from his brother's grip and punched him in the face. Sesshomaru reeled, but recovered and hurled himself at Inuyasha with a throaty rumble. The two dog demons rolled over in a ball of swirling white hair like two fluffy pups from a litter sparring ferociously, until Sesshomaru changed tactics again by kissing Inuyasha hard.

"Mmmfff!" Inuyasha gasped in surprise, not expecting a kiss right at that moment.

Seizing the opening, Sesshomaru pushed his tongue into the hanyou's mouth, wrapped his arms around his mate's back, hauled him into the air, and pushed him right back against the claw-honing boulder. In another swift movement, he spun Inuyasha around, shoved him face-first into the boulder, and pinned his shoulders to the rock while swiftly applying his kisses to the back of his neck. One pale, striped hand slipped into Inuyasha's trousers and went to work immediately, reducing the half-demon to a rather more compliant package of muscle and energy.

"Mmmm…" Inuyasha moaned, quite turned on by the primal demon violence of it all, clutching at the rock and scraping his claws against the surface.

Sesshomaru heard the scraping noises and was instantly encouraged to push on. And push _in_. A second to undo the trousers his mate was wearing, a dollop of salivary lubrication, and he was inside, finding and stroking the perfect spot which rapidly turned Inuyasha into a panting mess, clenching and unclenching his fists against the rock as Sesshomaru pleasured and teased him all at once.

"Sesshomaru…" Inuyasha groaned, grinding back against him and making Sesshomaru grunt with satisfaction as they found a good rhythm up against the rock, and the half-demon was steadily working his claws down as his excitement climbed.

"Do you like it?" Sesshomaru growled into one furry ear.

"Faster," Inuyasha panted, gripping the rock.

Increasing his pace, the taiyoukai found his own levels of engagement escalating, all the more so as the _scrape,_ _scrape,_ _scrape_ of Inuyasha's claws told him that those overgrown talons were coming down very nicely indeed.

"Hmm… Inuyasha…" the elder demon rumbled with pleasure, thrusting quickly into him several more times and stroking him firmly before he felt his mate climax and the rush of his hot seed over his hand. He then allowed himself to peak as well, and finally came to rest against Inuyasha, pinning him gently against the rock.

The half-demon drew deep, heavy breaths for half a minute more as they recovered, then murmured contentedly: "I think we can get off this rock now that you've got your rocks off, Sess."

"Mmm," Sesshomaru murmured back in a deep purr, nibbling Inuyasha's neck.

"Though I'm not sure if actually taking me got your rocks off as much as taking my claw tips off," Inuyasha grumbled.

"Both," the taiyoukai growled into the thick white hair of his mate as he felt his body get interested all over once more.

"Again?" Inuyasha asked, trying to turn back to look at him but not being allowed to as his youkai half-sibling pressed against him.

"That's what happens when you get stuck between a rock and a hard place, Yasha," Sesshomaru hummed into his ear, making sure Inuyasha could feel the 'hard place' perfectly.

"This is a very interesting grooming session."

"Indeed. Now let's get another two millimetres off those claws…"


	24. A Mochi Christmas And A Puppy New Year

Sesshomaru and Inuyasha did not celebrate Christmas, but like humans, demons had traditions of marking the beginning of the year. So instead of feeling left out by everyone else who was enjoying the festive season with bright lights, presents and trees, Inuyasha decided that they should spend the year-end preparing for the New Year.

"Let's make mochi," he suggested brightly.

"We can buy mochi from anywhere," Sesshomaru answered.

"Don't you miss the traditional type that people used to hand-make at home every year?" Inuyasha asked.

"I've never been keen on human sweets, so no, I can't say that I miss the traditional type or any type."

"They're fresher and tastier. I remember how I used to help the village women make them," Inuyasha persisted. "In fact, I still have one of those old stone mortars."

"So?"

"So let's make our own this Christmas, before the New Year."

"Christmas is too soon to make them if they're to be eaten at the New Year."

"Well, we should practise at Christmas so we can make better ones after that. Hey, why don't we make our mochi dog-shaped? That should be fun."

"I won't eat them, dog-shaped or otherwise," Sesshomaru warned.

"I will," Inuyasha declared stoutly, looking ready to eat an entire roomful of sticky rice cakes.

"All right," Sesshomaru sighed, caving in as he very often did whenever Inuyasha put on one of his eager or pouty expressions. "We'll take turns swinging the _kine_. You had better not crush my hand when it's your turn with the mallet, or there will be hell to pay."

"Ditto for you," Inuyasha shot back.

"I have a feeling this isn't going to be a good Christmas," Sesshomaru muttered to himself as Inuyasha hurried out the door to buy the glutinous rice and haul the old equipment out of storage.

***

"I don't remember it breaking up so much," Inuyasha grumbled, as the paste of cooked rice clung obstinately to his hand, leaving patches and peaks of glue-like whiteness all over it, instead of adhering to the rest of the paste in a cooperative lump. "I think I've added too much water."

"Yes, I would think you have," Sesshomaru remarked, poised to swing the mallet but hesitating when he saw that the paste in the mortar bowl had a consistency that suggested it would swallow the mallet rather than be pounded by it into submission.

"I'll try adding more of the rice," Inuyasha said, reaching for the cooked grains and adding them to the mortar. "Here, pound that."

Sesshomaru pounded, alternating with Inuyasha reaching his hand into the bowl to turn and lightly wet the paste. But it remained impossible to shape, and turned incredibly sticky in all the wrong ways. It glued down Inuyasha's hand and the kine, and coated the bowl, but refused to stick to itself.

"Hmm..." Inuyasha mused. "What am I doing wrong?"

"Inuyasha! Don't–" Sesshomaru started, only to find himself too late to stop the hanyou from doing what he often did when he was baffled, which was to scratch his head.

"Aaaaagh!" Inuyasha groaned, when the sticky mixture of boiled rice and water plastered his fingers to his mane.

"I did try to warn you," Sesshomaru sighed, putting the mallet down and moving away from the mortar bowl while trying to separate Inuyasha's beautiful long hair from the rice dough.

"Ouch! Don't pull! It hurts!" Inuyasha protested.

"I can't _not_ pull if we want to get this stuff off it," Sesshomaru insisted.

"Owwww!" the half-demon howled.

"Stop squirming!" Sesshomaru chided. "You've put up with holes through your belly without protest, so I don't see why you always kick up such a fuss when we need to sort out your hair or claws!"

"It's _different!_ Owwww!"

"Keep still and let me see if we can wash it off, or if we'll have to cut your hair."

"The last time you tried cutting my hair, I ended up looking like a dandelion with ears!"

"Better than a mochi-head, no?" Sesshomaru retorted, trying to see how much of the hair was stuck to the fingers and claws. "And we were forced to cut it that time only because you _had_ to venture into that rat-glue-trap battle with Koga. That damnable rat-trap glue was worse than youkai resin."

"But Koga provoked me."

"Everything provokes you," Sesshomaru sighed. "Just bear with it for a while. I think I can free this finger here… and unknot this mess here… and we should be able to get your hand out… _here_."

Sesshomaru was carefully easing Inuyasha's hand loose from his thick silver hair, but Inuyasha was less patient, and tugged his hand free – only to send it flying deep into Sesshomaru's hair instead.

For a second, there was a deathly silence in which the two brothers froze and locked golden eyes with each other. Inuyasha looked thoroughly alarmed, knowing just how proud of and particular about his platinum locks Sesshomaru was.

"Inuyasha…" the elder demon growled.

"Sesshomaru…" the hanyou gulped, giving his hand an experimental tug, only to find that it was stuck fast to the taiyoukai's tresses.

"Get your hand out of my hair."

"I'm trying," Inuyasha mumbled, using his non-sticky hand to tease the strands free of the tacky mochi paste. "Maybe if I sprinkle on some of the dusting flour, it will help release my fingers without too much tangling…"

He dragged an annoyed Sesshomaru by the hair over to where they had been working on the mochi, and dipped a hand into the flour so that he could dab some onto the sticky mess that was ruining the taiyoukai's coiffure. But in doing so, he pulled him much too close to the mortar bowl holding the unformed mochi paste, and ended up drawing the ends of his brother's hair into the bowl.

"Oh no!" Inuyasha yelped.

Sesshomaru's hair was now stuck to the mortar bowl, and to Inuyasha's hand. In a panic, Inuyasha grasped Sesshomaru's tresses mid-shaft and yanked the ends free of the overwet mochi. They came up threatening to drip the glue-like substance onto the carpet. In an effort to prevent damage to the carpet, Inuyasha bent down so he could cup his free hand under the ends of the hair, only to wind up yanking Sesshomaru's head down with him.

"Inuyasha!" Sesshomaru yelled as they banged heads, and the sticky ends of the taiyoukai's hair swung over to glue themselves to the ends of Inuyasha's locks.

"Aaaugh!" Inuyasha cried, as their hair stuck together.

With a low growl, Sesshomaru ordered: "Bathroom. Now. We're washing all this off."

Inuyasha nodded without a word, dipped his free hand generously into the flour, and wrapped his fingers around the ends of their hair to prevent possible dripping of the gunk onto the floor. But as he grasped the hair and tried to mould it to fit into his palm, he began to notice something.

"Hey, the mochi paste is now forming just right!" he exclaimed, as the handful of flour finally turned the sticky goo to the right texture. "Look at that! I think it just needed a bit of flour."

He happily moulded the mochi paste onto and around their hair with his hand, until he happened to glance at the taiyoukai and registered the death-glare in his golden eyes.

He recoiled and started to say that it could wait till later, while trying to pull away from Sesshomaru. At exactly the same moment, Sesshomaru growled and made a move in the opposite direction towards the bathroom.

Their stuck-together hair and Inuyasha's trapped hand only snapped them back together again, causing them to knock over the mortar bowl and fall face-down into the mochi goo.

***

"There's hair in this piece of mochi," Koga remarked as he drew the long, silver strand out of his mouth, through his fangs. "Other than that, it's really good – and I like the canine shapes you've made them into. But it's kind of early to be inviting us over to eat mochi, isn't it? It's only Boxing Day."

Shippo added: "It's exactly like what the village women used to make when we lived there – except for the doggy shapes. And the hair."

The wolf and fox demons were the ones they had invited over, along with Sesshomaru's mother, to help eat the mochi that had made such a mess the day before.

"There's hair in mine too," said the matriarch of the inuyoukai clan with interest, sniffing at the strand she had pulled out to see if she could tell whether it had come from her son or son-in-law. "Making these mochi in dog shapes is a charming idea, my darlings, but adding dog hair to them is surely taking it a step too far."

Inuyasha muttered under his breath and instinctively scratched at the spots on his scalp where his hair had been yanked out by the roots by Sesshomaru, or the demonic mochi paste, or the furious bout of scrubbing in the bathroom, or all of the above. Sesshomaru had not exactly been gentle, and his mood had not improved when the mochi paste that washed down the drain ended up clogging the pipes.

Sesshomaru glanced at his brother once before remarking coolly to their guests: "Be grateful you've only found _one_ strand each."

"You should market these," Shippo suggested. "Mochi with its own in-built tooth-flossing ingredients. Like those pet-shop treats which floss while the dog chews."

"Hey," Inuyasha said, perking up. "That might not be a bad idea! Maybe we can–"

He broke off as he caught another death-glare from the golden eyes of the taiyoukai beside him. Sesshomaru looked about ready to help him meet a very sticky end even before the end of this year, and there was enough gooey stuff in front of them, as it was, in the form of all that mochi.

Inuyasha rather wisely popped a piece of doggy mochi into his mouth in lieu of making further comments. These treats were meant to symbolise the hope of a long life, and he had never believed in that sort of symbolism before.

But today – just for today – he knew that plugging his mouth with the sticky stuff and not saying another word about it might actually help to prolong his years. At the very least, it would lengthen the years he would spend in good health and in one piece, without needing to have any severed parts of his body held together by a mortar of mochi paste and dog hair.

No matter how effective that adhesive might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dec 2011: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!


End file.
